The answer

Do you believe all those things you say about me? and is that all you can see now?
Do you take none of the responsibility as to where we find ourselves?
I am cruel and abusing, did you look in the mirror and see the truth?
There is no defense when looking in the mirror.
We both had a choice to walk away. We knew then, there was something wrong. Why didn't I leave when it started getting ugly?
Did we have to wait until ever ounce of light and passion was sucked dry from our hearts? We did nothing to save us. I did nothing to save me. You did nothing to save yourself.
Is this what they call co-dependence, abuse?
I walked around the apartment this morning and breathed in your life.
I know your history. Your possessions are mixed with mine, your smell is intertwined with my clothes, your life has become a part of mine .....I am bitter that I am about to lose the fabric of our lives together. It should have been longer!

I know I have to leave as this can be the only truth now but I feel a strange distance, sadness...not sure anymore what I am feeling.
If you had been mine from the beginning........
The what "if" drives me crazy!!!
What if:
you had been single
a lesbian
knew who you were
was knee deep into your writing with no excuses
no ex as a daily reminder
What if:
I was happy
not going through menopause
not so selfish
not so self absorbed
found where I belonged again

Do I still love you? Yes...but.....I can't do this anymore. I so wish there was an answer, a solution as I do love a clean thought, a clean ending but there is none in this case.

You see me as the enemy and you have for awhile now. You accuse me of so many things and are angry. I am so frustrated that you really never saw what you did to me as well. You only see me as the lesbian that let you down, that didn't follow through on what I promised, that I didn't live up to a higher code, that it was all about me.

If you had really looked, would you have seen what you did to me? How I have changed, how your behavior perpetuated so many negative behaviors in me? How small you made me feel? How I could never do anything right by you? I felt swallowed up by you. I couldn't breath anymore.I wasn't me anymore? Is this how you felt about what I did to you?

Strange...even after breaking it all down and trying to make sense of the mess I am in...there is a part of me that has a glimmer of....hope? What is that about? Why do I still want a part of this relationship? Why can't I just say goodbye? I've read what I wrote. It makes sense to wash my hands of all this insanity. Have I become so entrenched in the dis function, I am scared to be alone without it? Or is it deeper than that?
Or is it simply, I love her but don't know how to love her the way she would like me to? and visa versa.

Is it that? We don't know how to love each other in a way that is fulfilling, supportive and healthy for both of us?? Were we incapable of uplifting each others souls and creating peace together? I blame you for letting me down and you blame me for letting you down.
I feel ashamed of what I have done to you, do you feel the same? Or do you only want to blame still?

You always said we weren't good together and now I know the answer I never wanted to hear....you were right.