To many years I have carried this baggage
the strap my father beat us with...
the yelling and screaming....
An unhappy mother...
Memories of abuse have swirled in my head...have governed my life,
unkind words, belittling words, such cruelty..violence
I felt so small...I was a child after all.
No identity...no confidence..lost for years
Emptiness inside that demons lay to rest. Snuggling up to my inability to breath...
to live...
Oh to live....I want to live.
So much time spent on nothing. Doing nothing...petrified of success, failure, of everything..
relationships mirrored it all...
No one knew how alone I felt...how unhappy .....how outside I felt...
the neediness grew in time
All these years of a life unfulfilled and I am tired.
Half my life spent with an anvil around my heart.... alone in my thoughts..in my hell
No more. I created this dungeon that I thought was going to protect me but it kept the world out.I wasn't free.
"Not good enough", the voice in my head for so many years.
I didn't need my mother's words anymore to hear . They had a life of their own ...
Parents long dead now...shall I continue the blame...play the victim?
There's no one to punish anymore except myself...
I am strong...I have survived....and I am so much more.
Say goodbye...it offers no joy or friendship or love...
only more darkness and misery and I am finally done with that.
amen...
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