An ending has just happened and I don't know where it will lead. I can only hope a new beginning will come from it's ashes. It's always around relationships isn't it? We do learn the most about the world and ourselves through the people who touch our hearts and souls.
My neediness and insecurities have became so profound through our union for my needs were being shoved aside by me. I can't blame her. She is who she is and I fell in love with her, warts and all. I could have stopped so much of what was happening. I didn't stand my ground and say "NO". This isn't what I need....this isn't making me happy and I hung on so tight that well....I smothered it.
Now...terrible things have been said. She told me that she may have never been in love with me but with the passion of me. Devastating words. We should be so careful as to what we say to each other. Words scar so deeply and there is no going back in some cases. I called her names ( I have a vicious temper when cornered or hurt) and said things to her that probably should have been said quietly and with compassion instead of in anger but....
I finally said them.
I found release in the truth. I have never been able to say to her that I thought her fear was disabling us.That her relationship with her X was killing us...me...That there were certain things she said and did, that she should have been kinder...gentler about. I yelled in anger something about she was never really committed to our relationship, that it was just a game for her. That was cruel so cruel.
When she was depressed or hurt, a coldness overcame her. A door slammed shut and she kicks me out and she knew how it killed me. So I would get scared, insecure and needy...big surprise! There doesn't seem to be compassion in her when it comes to weakness....my weakness...and I think she is just as tough on herself. Her background has dictated to her..such a horrible past.....and as much as she denies it, she is a sum of those parts and brings her demons to rest with us.She doesn't look after herself anymore than she looks after us.She claims too but I know. Her X and her daughter are of course exempt from her scrutiny. He has been in her life for a very long time. She trusts him explicitly...he past her tests years ago and she does have tests. She too is needy and insecure but that's okay. You are the one that has to be strong. You have to be her rock.
So...Who the hell am I? I'm some girl who slipped between her legs, whispered promises of passion and love and took her to unknown destinations.We don't have 15 years together. I didn't help raise her daughter with her or help her work through grieving her soul mate or been with her through tough times etc...so who am I too her? What does she owe me? It must have been very exotic and exciting for her but who am I to ask for a commitment...for forever?
All I ever needed or wanted from her were small changes that let me know I was important to her. Compromises that showed she respected my feelings...that we had a possible future and that fear was not in her eyes when we spoke of living together. She will say she never closed the door on the possibilities of us but she didn't want to talk about them either. To soon she said...not ready. She slammed the door on us, time after time....and my insecurities grew from her self doubt. Her inability to be a true part of us...and the neediness rooted itself in my cold fear. I became suspicious now...and the ugliness grew.
I pushed moving in together as that's what I do..fucking push!Truly not a smart move on my part. Born of desperation maybe, I thought if we moved in together, we would both feel safe.Peace would finally come to our relationship. She said No. I was so angry and hurt and I didn't know how to express the rejection.
I was falling apart. I couldn't trust her.The ball was rolling down hill now. There was no stopping it. Wanted to know who she was talking to on the phone, where she was going and who she was doing things with.
I should have walked away when I felt nothing was changing. That things were getting worse. That I wasn't happy but I was so in love with her I thought if I just stayed the course ..you know?
Now....she has said things and I have said things.....and I don't know. I can't talk to her now. All I hear in my head is that she is not in love with me. That my neediness and insecurities are not her issue even though they have grown from events and actions that we are both responsible for. I even put all the blame on her!She doesn't take responsibility for what she says and does. What about me? I am so clean in all this!?
I know what I have contributed and what role I have played. I am not guiltless. I had failed at doing my part but I can't make changes on my own. I need her to step up and say, she is part of the problem and work with me instead of us accusing each other. I know her arrogance is part of her survival...her control...and I also need to be right and controlling but were choking the life out of us.
No matter what words and language are used,we chose to come together.We knew we were in different stages in our lives and what challenges laid ahead of us and we dove in anyway and ultimately created a relationship, our relationship.Are we both grownup enough to continue what we started?
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