War Weary Lovers

When I look at the picture that I used for creating this blog I remember. The nipple clamps, the hand holding her in the middle of the chest and I remember why I chose it. The significance of sexual submission spoke to me. You were mine and I could do with you as a will when we made love. Complete trust.

The war between us has been on going for so long, I forgot the power we had. Strong, passionate and yes loving when I would allow it. The scars of life eventually chipped away at that love, that power. I brought to it intimacy and insecurity issues and you brought your inability to stand up to me and retain yourself because you wanted to please me so much and keep the peace which created moods and shutdowns. The war was ever so evident right from the beginning but we were so in love and both optimistic that we could get past these things...

We couldn't.Unhappiness was the result. Disappointment a constant. Lacklustre lovemaking was a result, animosity, mistrust and anger were a result.

We felt we lost our love for each other. That thing that binds, was lost.

When I finally left, I spent the next few months trying to sort myself out. Trying to find happy and joy. Maybe I did idealize us. So what? I am an idealist. Its part of who I am. I wanted to love you from that place and I did!

Real life caused me great havoc and distress and unhappiness. All I ever wanted to do was pack us up, move out of the city and live a life of happy and love with you. Its always been about you.

And that is what I do know. It's always been about you even when I sabotaged things between us.

As I worked with my counsellor, the realization that my critic controlled my life to the point that I didn't have one was a revelation.

Here I was alone again cause that critic dictated to me.

Through a strange and painful array of events, we have found that spark between us again. Both questioning it, mistrusting it and wondering what to do with it. Maybe it never left. Just hidden from the war. I'd like to think you can never really destroy true love. It just takes a hiatus from all the turmoil and pain and comes out again when we have learned to truly embrace it. You really cant destroy love. It's a gift. You either accept it or you don't.

I'd like to think that is true.

I hate you

She texted me. She texted me and said she's sorry for how I feel but took no responsibility for lying to me. For falling out of love with me....for fucking up my holiday. No remorse really. Just felt bad that I was hurting. Sweet of her don't you think? I don't know why I'm so surprised or why she still hurts me so badly.

At first my heart jumped at seeing my phone light up and I knew it was her!
I could see the long text from a distance as my phone was charging and I almost ran to it in my excitement. My first thought was, " She's texting to tell me its all been a mistake. That I still love you..that I want you between my legs again and then...

Fuck...she's commenting on my pain from my blog. Telling me how sorry she is that I feel the way I do. She peeked into my hell and made a commentary about it. She says I don't know her heart.I don't. I thought I did but I don't know this woman anymore. Shes been all over my memories the last couple of days. Everywhere I go I feel her. Fucking hate this. I hate her.

Going to get a drink. Then have another. Maybe another...

I was out shopping today like I usually do on a pay day and I ended up at Pape and Danforth. It took everything in me to not look for her or to go to apartment and scream at her. "Look what you've done to me!?" I miss you so badly it hurts all the time. I want you in my bed....I want Venezuela back!! I want your mouth on mine and your cunt in my face. I want your laughter in my ear and your soft voice to sooth my soul. I want your hands on me and your eyes staring at me the way you do with such intensity that I always had to ask what your thinking.I want to hear you talk about you! There is so much more I want and I want and I want.

Ironically...I think the day will come when we do pass each other on the street and say hi in passing as I wrote so long ago.

I had hoped that writing all this down would be cathartic but as I was writing, you texted me. Then everything changed.Then it became pain and anger. Then wanting, then love. I hate you. I was trying so hard to change things between us. To bring the magic back, the love and you turned around and said..."I don't think It's there for me anymore". Absolute devastation. The way you did it was humiliating. Your way of payback I guess. You have always been a vindictive woman. You might want to look at that one day. I never did anything out of spit. Just immaturity and insecurity.
If you decide to continue reading my blog, the truth is, I have always loved you. I feel in love with you on our first date and I still feel you as if it was the first day.


I guess that's enough vomiting for one night.I sure as hell hope I get over you soon. Fuck!

So it was a lie. A manipulation to see if that "thing" was still between us. It wasn't to connect and have great sex it was a rouse a test for her. She had ulterior motives to wanting to get together. The end result? It feel flat for her. That thing between us was gone and she didn't want to see me again.

I screamed inside and out. The last fucking humiliation in a long line of humiliations. Oil and water doesn't even describe what happened between us. All I know, feel now? Surprisingly...relief that its finally done.

Ya...crazy realization.

A New Year is upon me. With that comes a clean slate for another shot at happiness. For self fulfilment. I am a young soul. The challenges with that is repeating the same mistakes. That being young at heart keeps me curious and vibrate but also immature and prone to terrible insecurities and making the wrong choices when it comes to my heart.

A few things I definitely have to let go off.
Control- A tool that protected me from pain but also shut me off from living healthily
Intimacy- Stop running from it
Self defeat- The critic in my head needs to leave or at least be quieter!
THE PAST- What a waste of time that is!

These aren't resolutions as much as goals for the year.


Things I need to know about Love?

Stop trying so hard. Enjoy myself and love will flow. Simple statement but so difficult to navigate.
It begins with acceptance
Again...let go of shit! A waste of my time.
Enjoy life and that someone will show up when I least expect it.

Goals- That don't necessarily have to be followed through like a grocery list. Just let things flow. My new motto.

No expectations

So,,, Trish emails me this:
*The sharpness of the truth has made the realist step up and usurped the romantic. So now, all I want is to have sex with you cuz I miss your kisses and I miss you fucking me and I miss hearing you groan when I make you cum. Simple. It's primal, it's unemotional. It's just sex. I finally get it. I'm okay with that now. Are you? Or do you see having sex with me a baby step towards getting back together? I just want you to be clear on what I'm offering so there will be no unmet expectations. I have none. And I don't want you to either. If we could just enjoy each other physically that would be awesome. Just sayin ;)*

I've been thinking about it and as much as a part of me is going,"Hell Ya!" Theirs another part of me going, "but what about the romance?"

If its just come over and fuck me sex, I'm not sure that will work between us. What connected us sexually was the emotion, the passion and yes romance. What if that is taken out of the equation and all that is left is the carnal lust? Will it all just fall flat?

A friend of mine said recently if I let go of expectations I will rarely be disappointed and I do understand the truth behind those words but does it relate to making love? I do have an expectation based on my sexual history with Trish and after the email was sent to me, texts followed that were almost business like in the setting up of time and day, what to bring and food etc...doesn't this take away from the spontaneity of the moment?

I guess I'll find out Sunday and if it all goes to hell in a hand basket, so be it! No expectations, therefor no disappointment. Right?

A work in progress....

Over the years I have slowly extracted myself from living. I will never know when it started to fall away. Maybe a series of events and social venues I cancelled or my level of judgment about others became more pronounced around me or I just got lazy.
Maybe my unhappiness with myself was a virus.Slowly over time grew and infiltrated my very essence of self and extracted every ounce of joy from my life. As that virus consumed my cells, my life, I began to eat and never stopped. Weight gain was armour from unhappiness and fulfillment. Weight gain made me lethargic and I began to give up little by little. Weight gain allowed my immaturity to defeat the adult. IT WAS JUST TO MUCH WORK! because....I'm not worth it.

That misery...strangely...is a comfortable friend. Unhappiness is a virus that infiltrates your joy.it's slow and patient you never realize what has happened to you until your sitting at home on a Friday Night, eating a bag of chips and watching your life become minutes of insignificant moments. Moments that you will never get back. Moments of non essential seconds of an insignificant life. How depressing is that?! If it was someone else's life, I would have no pity. I'd be saying, "GET UP you miserable pathetic excuses for a human being!" No compassion or Love for another person suffering.I'd think to myself, so pathetic...not worth paying attention too as its their own doing.


Cruel and cold, no support whats so ever and that.....
is what I say to myself everyday.



Now what?

Threads

I love you as hard as I fight you.
Strong, passionate woman with eyes of deep earth and mysterious depths
Warmth, strength, secretive waters.
I smell your sex and taste your cum.
aaah....

My hands try to touch you but only go through you.
Frustrated by the lack of same mindedness..
We don't share the same sensibilities...
I want you close to me and far away from me....
I am always overwhelmed by my feelings for you.
Be mine...all mine....breath you in...live...you...want you...
love me....love me....
go away


Fear...
such a small word with large consequences.

Can you fight years of conditioning??


I sometimes just like watching you when your eyes are closed and you are peaceful
The little girl you once were...on your face.

When you open your eyes, I see the seductress you are...sucking me in then
spitting me out....

I feel like your puppet...you cant control me! I fight back...

I would die for you...lie for you...cry for you.

succulent lips...so tasteable...bit-able...every part of you ...

I fear you...love you...love you...

I am and always will be yours , held by your finger tips...emotionally clinging by a thread....

Turmoil

I'm a mess.
Not sure if starting meditation again and ramping up my exercise routine is stirring my emotions but I am definitely a little out of control.
I have no idea how to explain how I feel.
One minute I'm happy and on course and the next feeling outside everyone,myself and oh so sensitive.
Words from Trish triggered me yet again. Felt rejected by a friend. Fear and anxiety motivated me to anger and meanness.
I know those qualities are apart of me. I also know that I'm not the only one in the world that grapples with their dark side but lately....
I feel like Hyde is taking over.

The more I meditate the more I'm feeling at war. Maybe that is what is going on.
Fear of becoming peaceful and happy? That's just insane!

For the life of me, I don't know why Trish stays. I am in constant contradiction and turmoil.
A friend of mine suggested that maybe I am going through a metamorphosis. Stripping away at who and what I have been.
and becoming....what?


Don't know ...all I know is I feel crazy and I'm definitely all over the place.


On top of everything...all I want to do is fuck!! I need to be close...to touch...to feel ...to smell to taste your sex.

My primal needs are bubbling to the surface to the point of madness. Extremely aggressive and consuming.

So yes...I'm losing my mind.

Jesus!