Road forward

I think I'm finally learning to let stuff go. It's different than just losing your temper and moving on. I cant control anything! I feel the loss of my relationship with Trish and hoping that something new and vibrant rises from the ashes.

I lost myself over the last 4 years and before her, I was unhappy. My self esteem needs a rejuvenation and I'm working towards happy. I know it's going to be a bit of a process and I also know it will be one step in front of the other but I feel optimistic.

Not sure yet as to what will become of Trish and Pauline but I'm not going to think to far into the future. I am just hopeful for myself and that is a refreshing outlook from how I have been feeling for awhile.

Welcome back Pauline

Today is a new day. Still don't know what is going on with my eyes and neither does my Dr. So I'll be seeing an ophthalmologist next. I am also going to be going to a sleep clinic and an eating disorder clinic and getting blood work done. Feel like I'm getting an overhaul!


I guess its about time I got some concrete answers to some of my health issues. Ive asked Trish to stay and work things out. I've had a few conversations with a therapist, my Dr. and a very close friend. All good advice and I would like to find a better way for Trish and I to communicate. We do bicker like children and push each others buttons. Never on purpose and never in malice but the truth is we both carry inner children that so want to be loved for you we are and to be very much heard. ALL the time!!

I woke her up this morning simply because I haven't been able to tell her whats going on or have a real conversation for she has made herself unavailable. I believe that some of it is due to her need to focus on school but I also believe she is avoiding.

I have so many questions to ask her and want to be close to her but I'm not sure if she is even interested. I am preparing myself for further rejection and if it happens I will truly let it go.

Hopefully, there is still hope!

The Darkness

So it seems Alice's dark hole has followed me everywhere.
I've been in denial for a long time.
For the first time I am addressing a life long battle with darkness.
It has influenced my every decision since I was probably 30. My restlessness, Loneliness, desperation, sadness and lack of interest in life has magnified to the point that I cant ignore it anymore.

I have no idea how any of this will pan out but I do know that I have to be finally truthful and honest with myself and others.

I am not brave....I am scared.

The Sweeten Pot

I love and adore you....I miss the essence of you.
You seemed to have walked away...
I am unable to fulfill your needs and the attacks are relentless...your distance...constant. You cant help yourself.

The romance and the passion you crave from me is strangled.
I am here....I am always here. I don't need to write about how I feel...you know.
I don't need your constant attention...

I do need soft words of love....your love should be ever present no matter what I am lacking
Your respect...should be in your eyes even when I don't always step up.

Your a tough task master. Maybe I deserve your sharp words and criticism. Maybe I do drive you to the brink of insanity and maybe...
I don't fulfill the one desire you crave most.

Soft words of love and desire would sweeten the pot if you only choose another root to achieve the very thing you desire most from me but maybe....
It's just too late, too much work and just to much...

My heart cry's for you.

Is The Party Over

When Trish and I decided to finally make it official and move in together, I did look at it as a new beginning. A chance for us to open some doors up that were closed, to heal some wounds and put away insecurities and needs not being met and honestly this last half of the sentence was very important to me.
As a Boi, I wanted to have more lovemaking on the table ( not literally...well maybe...) I was hoping that she would create more romance etc...that we would be more together.
I am an Idealist. I do live in my head and at times, that's a very big problem and that dream feel flat.

I had no illusions that we wouldn't argue and fight, all couples do but sadly the same problems are coming up as before but now...there's no where to hide...no where to breath and come back and resolve it or to just let it go.

Maybe she has been right all along. There is no fixing us.

My emotions of frustration and yes..unhappiness are affecting me so profoundly that I am out of control when it comes to my health. She must be feeling the same anger and frustration and a sense of not knowing where to go from here. Hence, she is pulling away even further than before. She doesn't look at me, doesn't want or need my touch...just doesn't. My continual weight gain is affecting our sex life and most likely her physical attraction to me. A big part of us and our "togetherness" has been our sexual energy. It is what has brought us together time and time again but now....that is showing signs of weakness and fragility. Without that bond what do we have left?

Ironically, we are starting to have a little cash around the house and instead of enjoying it and getting out, we buy groceries and sit at home on the weekends. That wouldn't be so bad if we were still dancing in the kitchen and enjoying each others company but we aren't.
She is a creature dictated by her moods. When she is unhappy and dissatisfied there is no oasis in our home. It is tense and feels like a war zone. What I say or do is wrong. End of story. She cringes when I approach her to be affectionate. What does that do to me? EVERYTHING!

I just eat my unhappiness. As I haven't been on top of my needs for the last decade. adding an emotionally charged and unhappy love life is just fuel to an ever growing problem for me and I continue to eat myself to death. Is it a separate issue?

That is a whole other topic of conversation and probably another year of therapy.


This is what I do know. I am still in love with Trish and we are not happy together.

Fuck

The Lie

Is it all lies? How can someone continual want to breakup with you and in the same breath, want to be with you? I've seen you put on that face for others when you are unhappy and sad. You put on that mask that says I'm okay...and your not going to see the turmoil I'm in. Do you do that with me as well? Am I just another obligation, another lie....another Mike.

Why,...why cant you just be happy knowing that you are loved and cherished? I flourish love on you like a blanket. Instead of feeling warm and safe, you feel caged and controlled. I am your biggest supporter no matter what you take on. I might question your motives and need to understand why but I will always be there. At times I feel like I am your enemy. The tension is always around even when I turn a blind eye to it.

Did you ever truly love me like I do you? You have written so many poems, texts and story's about me and most of them are about how I don't treat you the way you would like, how I have hurt you and how cheated you have felt. The only place I make you happy is when we make love. Is that true? Is that all you see in me? Do you only dwell on my failings? What I don't bring to the table?


Do you not know how I want to make love to you all the time? I want to take you places but even then....there is a barrier. It's my fault, I know that I scarred you...that you are not open anymore to new experiences. You just lie there with no passion or expectations. I wish ..I wish I hadn't made that horrible mistake oh so long ago.


Maybe the lie is that I am lying to myself. That all the wishing and optimism is just my way of hanging on. Hoping that you will just love me and be happy.
I don't know anymore.

Plastecine

It gets more and more difficult to get close to her. There is an intimacy wall that she puts up out of frustration and anger due to our conflicting personality traits. There is nothing I can do about that. I tread on egg shells as it is. Sleeping together is a chore for her. I snore...I want to cuddle...I don't give her enough space. Even when we are awake....I want it up, she wants it down. She wants to sleep in and I want to be up and about. I want to spend my weekends outside she wants to be inside. If its black its white. You get the drift.

We are frustrated with each other to the point that having sex has become a mind field. There is so much difficulty reaching that place where we actually agree on something!! Who wants to have sex when the art of making love has become frought with conflict and it is now. I'm tired of trying to unruffle her feathers. It seems I am always irritating her, hurting her and just planely ( it feels like this) never doing it to her satisfaction. Crazily, she feels exactly the same way! How do you change this??


Sigh....I guess.....I will do what I want to do to make myself happy and she will do the same. If those things come together that' great! If not....time will tell, won't it.