Is The Party Over

When Trish and I decided to finally make it official and move in together, I did look at it as a new beginning. A chance for us to open some doors up that were closed, to heal some wounds and put away insecurities and needs not being met and honestly this last half of the sentence was very important to me.
As a Boi, I wanted to have more lovemaking on the table ( not literally...well maybe...) I was hoping that she would create more romance etc...that we would be more together.
I am an Idealist. I do live in my head and at times, that's a very big problem and that dream feel flat.

I had no illusions that we wouldn't argue and fight, all couples do but sadly the same problems are coming up as before but now...there's no where to hide...no where to breath and come back and resolve it or to just let it go.

Maybe she has been right all along. There is no fixing us.

My emotions of frustration and yes..unhappiness are affecting me so profoundly that I am out of control when it comes to my health. She must be feeling the same anger and frustration and a sense of not knowing where to go from here. Hence, she is pulling away even further than before. She doesn't look at me, doesn't want or need my touch...just doesn't. My continual weight gain is affecting our sex life and most likely her physical attraction to me. A big part of us and our "togetherness" has been our sexual energy. It is what has brought us together time and time again but now....that is showing signs of weakness and fragility. Without that bond what do we have left?

Ironically, we are starting to have a little cash around the house and instead of enjoying it and getting out, we buy groceries and sit at home on the weekends. That wouldn't be so bad if we were still dancing in the kitchen and enjoying each others company but we aren't.
She is a creature dictated by her moods. When she is unhappy and dissatisfied there is no oasis in our home. It is tense and feels like a war zone. What I say or do is wrong. End of story. She cringes when I approach her to be affectionate. What does that do to me? EVERYTHING!

I just eat my unhappiness. As I haven't been on top of my needs for the last decade. adding an emotionally charged and unhappy love life is just fuel to an ever growing problem for me and I continue to eat myself to death. Is it a separate issue?

That is a whole other topic of conversation and probably another year of therapy.


This is what I do know. I am still in love with Trish and we are not happy together.

Fuck

The Lie

Is it all lies? How can someone continual want to breakup with you and in the same breath, want to be with you? I've seen you put on that face for others when you are unhappy and sad. You put on that mask that says I'm okay...and your not going to see the turmoil I'm in. Do you do that with me as well? Am I just another obligation, another lie....another Mike.

Why,...why cant you just be happy knowing that you are loved and cherished? I flourish love on you like a blanket. Instead of feeling warm and safe, you feel caged and controlled. I am your biggest supporter no matter what you take on. I might question your motives and need to understand why but I will always be there. At times I feel like I am your enemy. The tension is always around even when I turn a blind eye to it.

Did you ever truly love me like I do you? You have written so many poems, texts and story's about me and most of them are about how I don't treat you the way you would like, how I have hurt you and how cheated you have felt. The only place I make you happy is when we make love. Is that true? Is that all you see in me? Do you only dwell on my failings? What I don't bring to the table?


Do you not know how I want to make love to you all the time? I want to take you places but even then....there is a barrier. It's my fault, I know that I scarred you...that you are not open anymore to new experiences. You just lie there with no passion or expectations. I wish ..I wish I hadn't made that horrible mistake oh so long ago.


Maybe the lie is that I am lying to myself. That all the wishing and optimism is just my way of hanging on. Hoping that you will just love me and be happy.
I don't know anymore.

Plastecine

It gets more and more difficult to get close to her. There is an intimacy wall that she puts up out of frustration and anger due to our conflicting personality traits. There is nothing I can do about that. I tread on egg shells as it is. Sleeping together is a chore for her. I snore...I want to cuddle...I don't give her enough space. Even when we are awake....I want it up, she wants it down. She wants to sleep in and I want to be up and about. I want to spend my weekends outside she wants to be inside. If its black its white. You get the drift.

We are frustrated with each other to the point that having sex has become a mind field. There is so much difficulty reaching that place where we actually agree on something!! Who wants to have sex when the art of making love has become frought with conflict and it is now. I'm tired of trying to unruffle her feathers. It seems I am always irritating her, hurting her and just planely ( it feels like this) never doing it to her satisfaction. Crazily, she feels exactly the same way! How do you change this??


Sigh....I guess.....I will do what I want to do to make myself happy and she will do the same. If those things come together that' great! If not....time will tell, won't it.

Stop

I have been trying all day to figure out how to speak how I'm feeling with some kind of clarity. Some kind of inner understanding as to what I am feeling and what is coming out of me with out placing blame and being objective about what I want to say.

I have acted terribly. My challenge...difficulty... is understanding why someone like Trish wants to be with someone like me! What I mean is, is I am the type of person that is impatient, controlling and have a certain vision in my head due to my experiences in life as most of us do, which is defined by my past relationships, wants and desires that dictate to me to some extent expectations for my life.

Never in my widest dreams did I think I would end up in a place with someone yet again, where the cohesion that we both desire and crave has failed.

I haven't learned yet how to just be and let others be. I am not in a defeatist place but a place of reflection. Trying very hard to understand why the universe won't allow a certain amount of peace in my life. I know that choices have to be made for me to be happy.

Are my experiences and her's so dramatically opposite? What would happen if I just leave everything alone? I mean....don't push, don't pull...don't struggle..just breath.

Maybe it's an experiment I should take on.

Ice Cream

I was texting a friend this morning who was envious of us because she missed living with a partner. I spoke of the challenges Trish and I faced and how we were oil and water but ice cream in the middle. My friend laughed and liked the reference.

That metaphor is perfect to describe how we are with each other and how we interact.
Sometimes its like nails scratching down a chalkboard and at other times it is pure silk brushing against your skin.

I accept this dynamic. It is what it is. What worries me, is that now that we live together, I believe she believes domestic life will kill our passion and our romance. I agree that for over a month ( the move took precedence)and there hasn't been much of either. What romance and passion that has transpired, I initiated.

I think, if I cant change her mind about domestic life just being an extension of our love for each other and not a death trap...it will be the end of us. Why is it up to me? To be honest....she does not take the lead very often when it comes to romance. Part of that is my fault due to some major fumbles in the past but mostly, she is not an outy...she is an inny. Everything for Trish is internal. All emotion, every thought is written and not exposed to the outside world. Its what makes her an amazing writer. She even texts when shes angry and upset instead of confronting the issue. She is who she is and I love her but these challenges do cause frustration and many times I feel like I'm on the outside of her...unable to reach that soft ice cream of her heart.

I do have to find a way though. I will not lose her to some idea she has in her head about what domestic life is. It should be a place of balance and love and of course passion.

The Horse whisperer

So...I freaked out yesterday. Every fear and anxiety I had about my move in with Trish finallly came together. She must have thought I was a bit loopy as I spilled out like a baby girl. She did have a knowing smile on her face the whole time I was ranting about what if this and what if that as if she was expecting the breakdown completely!

I think Trish is a kind of horse whisperer only her skill seems to work with baby's, dogs and me! She has an abiliity to pass a type of energy on that is almost like a tranquilizer.

I have come to the conclusion that my beautiful wonderful trishy is very special, warm and soft. I don't think everyone gets to see all these great qualities but my friends have and embrace her because of that. What wonderful gifts she has and I'm all the better for being a part of her life.

P for Passion Lost

I've lost my passion I think.
Not sure when it happened but always tired now. Constantly busy and no time for me. When I do get some time to do what I want, I am slapped on the wrists and told it seems I want to do fun things with other people and not with her.

I am always thinking about her. I include her in all aspects of my life and I'm finding that I am depleted. The cronic complaints that I don't do fun things with her wear on me.

I actually got a weekend to myself a few weeks ago. Trish went to Ottawa for a week to visit her sister. For the first time in a I dont know how long, I had a week to do what I wanted, when I wanted and whenever I wanted.

I must admit, It was wonderful! Just being by myself without being told...ANYTHING...was a freeing time. When did being me become such a burden? When did I start feeling choked?

And that is how I feel.Choked! This must be my fault because if this was happening to me, I should have put a stop to it but I didnt.

I cant blame Trish. The circumstances of living separately has created a dynamic that I've never experienced before. Whatever free time I do get, I want to spend with her because there isnt alot of us if I don't!

That same dynamic has also created a very tired and lackluster Pauline. 2 more weeks before we move in together. Finally, 4 years later it's happening. I want more time just for me. For what I want to do.

Don't get me wrong...I love my Trishy with all my heart. The times we have spent together especial the good, feed my soul but the constant trying to balance my life and our life has taken its toll and I am so very hopeful that is coming to an end.

I want to find my passion again. I need it to be happy. I need to find me again.