The summer of 95

I remember the night sounds of frogs croaking and branches creaking in those old trees and as a light breeze moved through the leaves, I felt alive and present. The sound of water gently lapping against the shore in the background as we smoked a little grass, drank a lot of beer and spoke softly in an intimacy only woman understand. We were happy, I was happy. I sometimes think this was the last time I felt real contentment and true joy. When I close my eyes, I can transport myself there. I feel wrapped in the past as if a comfortable blanket has been thrown over me.
I loved you all. You gave me a sense of belonging, a secret society I never was privy to as a child. We were all wounded one way or another when we met. We Soothed each others demons and listened to each others stories of sorrow and regret. It was a summer of distractions, of booze and drugs and friendship. While some only touch us for a short while and drifted away over the years,that warm summer of 1995, bound us together...for life. I loved you all with such intensity then. I laughed till I cried and cried till I laughed.

We told our friends and families of our first summer together but no one really understood it all really. I don't think we understood the magic that happened between us either but even now when we tell our stories, our faces light up with recollection, laughter and knowing. We share a secret you see and when our eyes connect,we smile.

We had three summers together before I decided to go on an adventure without them. I carried those memories with me and now when I find I am not happy, which is often, I reach into my heart and remember joy.

The insanity of it all!

It sometimes isn't about what you have contributed. It's sometimes not about the past or the present. It is simply, you are in the wrong place at the wrong time. Another woman in an alternative universe is sublime. Everything she does and says you love and everything you do and say she adores. Do relationships have to be so fucking stupid? Does the one I have, half to unravel everyday, every moment, all the fucking time? Can the bliss actually stay around for longer than 24 fucking hours??? I don't want this freaking real world!
I know that nothing about this relationship healthy. It doesn't matter what i do it will never be enough. So why can't I walk away????

The answer

Do you believe all those things you say about me? and is that all you can see now?
Do you take none of the responsibility as to where we find ourselves?
I am cruel and abusing, did you look in the mirror and see the truth?
There is no defense when looking in the mirror.
We both had a choice to walk away. We knew then, there was something wrong. Why didn't I leave when it started getting ugly?
Did we have to wait until ever ounce of light and passion was sucked dry from our hearts? We did nothing to save us. I did nothing to save me. You did nothing to save yourself.
Is this what they call co-dependence, abuse?
I walked around the apartment this morning and breathed in your life.
I know your history. Your possessions are mixed with mine, your smell is intertwined with my clothes, your life has become a part of mine .....I am bitter that I am about to lose the fabric of our lives together. It should have been longer!

I know I have to leave as this can be the only truth now but I feel a strange distance, sadness...not sure anymore what I am feeling.
If you had been mine from the beginning........
The what "if" drives me crazy!!!
What if:
you had been single
a lesbian
knew who you were
was knee deep into your writing with no excuses
no ex as a daily reminder
What if:
I was happy
not going through menopause
not so selfish
not so self absorbed
found where I belonged again

Do I still love you? Yes...but.....I can't do this anymore. I so wish there was an answer, a solution as I do love a clean thought, a clean ending but there is none in this case.

You see me as the enemy and you have for awhile now. You accuse me of so many things and are angry. I am so frustrated that you really never saw what you did to me as well. You only see me as the lesbian that let you down, that didn't follow through on what I promised, that I didn't live up to a higher code, that it was all about me.

If you had really looked, would you have seen what you did to me? How I have changed, how your behavior perpetuated so many negative behaviors in me? How small you made me feel? How I could never do anything right by you? I felt swallowed up by you. I couldn't breath anymore.I wasn't me anymore? Is this how you felt about what I did to you?

Strange...even after breaking it all down and trying to make sense of the mess I am in...there is a part of me that has a glimmer of....hope? What is that about? Why do I still want a part of this relationship? Why can't I just say goodbye? I've read what I wrote. It makes sense to wash my hands of all this insanity. Have I become so entrenched in the dis function, I am scared to be alone without it? Or is it deeper than that?
Or is it simply, I love her but don't know how to love her the way she would like me to? and visa versa.

Is it that? We don't know how to love each other in a way that is fulfilling, supportive and healthy for both of us?? Were we incapable of uplifting each others souls and creating peace together? I blame you for letting me down and you blame me for letting you down.
I feel ashamed of what I have done to you, do you feel the same? Or do you only want to blame still?

You always said we weren't good together and now I know the answer I never wanted to hear....you were right.

I will only miss you

Be not angry that you cannot make others as you wish them to be, since you cannot make yourself as you wish to be. ~Thomas à Kempis, Imitation of Christ, c.1420



Trish and I have finally come to that place that all relationships go to when they end. A graveyard of numbness and distance. We are still living together till the end of the month and then I leave. I have an apartment in a friends house. I am not going to rehash our history and I am not going to play she said, I said and who did what to whom.
I know we really have to end this for we have not been able to solve the perils of Trish and Pauline. I do believe in certain truths as to why we have failed so badly and the ultimate truth was I am a gay woman, wanting a gay relationship. I loved Trish very much and still do but Trish stands in the way of her own happiness.She is one of the most defensive and self righteous people I know. She doesn't allow herself to be completely open and it's really not her fault as she never had time to end her old life. She went from old to new, in a heartbeat and me......I am sooo fucking impatient. I have always wanted what I want...now. I believed I could bring her into my world in an instant and Viola....instant lesbian! I can be very naive in my stubborn idealism and for my part, I ruined the journey for her by not standing back and letting her flower at her pace.
From my point of view, Trish has, since I've known her, come from a place of fear, defensiveness, is inconsistent in pursuing her desires and dreams. She blames me and others for not following through on what she wanted. Her favorite phase is: there are too many distractions or I changed my mind. I don't know how many times I've heard her say things out loud about what she wants to do for herself and she never follows through. The worst part is she blames everyone but herself.

I do see myself reflected in her personality and one of the many things I have learned on this journey was to embraced consistency in my own life. I actually followed through with Children's Aid because of Trish. I am volunteering and soon to be mentoring a teen because she made me realize I did the same thing! I didn't follow through on my desires and I can do as she does and wait for the "right moment" but what if the right moment never comes?
She has taught me that. To move on what I desire as there will never be a right moment other than now.

I have also learned that I am good enough. Strangely all the negatives that were thrown at me have made me stronger. The constant guilty manipulative words that made me feel unworthy were just a reflection of how I felt about me and I let it happen. She said these things because she did not have control of her own life, her desires and her journey. I have finally realized this wasn't ever about me. I will admit, in my selfish need to obtain her, I didn't really see her and now....I do.

I do believe Trish, my Trish, the woman I made love to, who spoke with me in soft tones, who shared my world of fantasy with me and who's eyes spoke of deep emotions and intensity will be much more present than the woman of hardness, defensiveness and fear. I do believe she will step through someday and I wish her well on her journey to self. :)

I am Numb

So..I'm getting a little numb from alcohol. It's a nice place. It's not hurtful or rejecting and it doesn't break promises and tell you lies. You feel brave and self assured instead of doubtful and insecure. I do understand the attraction. I understand wanting reality to cease and how for a moment, pain is pushed back even if it is, for the moment.
I will feel self pity for awhile and will drink for awhile and will push back reality for awhile.
Ultimately, I am a strong woman with issues. :) Abandonment and insecurities have plagued me most of my life and being in a relationship just amplifies those scars. I am amazed at how from my first relationship at age 17 to now that that feeling in my stomach when my triggers have been hit, still causes such anxiety and pain that it's as if I am that young wounded girl again!

I am frustrated by that fact. Have I not grown in anyway when it comes to my heart? Are the scars from my childhood run so deep that no amount of therapy, growth, age and wisdom has really affected my emotional development,my ability to chose healthier relationships and have a more balanced outlook of myself???

I guess not. That has to stop!!! This cycle is fucked. I'm not sure what I have to do to treat myself the way I want to be treated but this route is tiring, painful and the SAME SHIT as always!!

Time to move on. I know who I am but haven't been happy with that for a very long time.What do I want and need to be happy?

I need a home that is warm and inviting. Trees,gardens and peaceful.
I need my friends close to me.
I need my family
I need a job that gives me fulfillment
I don't want to be lonely, I can change that.
I need a relationship with a woman who wants what I want.
I need spiritual guidance
I need love
As I read this, what I want is not unattainable. I know this in my head and in my heart but if feels like a million miles away. Strange......I think I'll stay numb for a little while longer. :)

I now know.....

It's not about alpha females or control or about being set in our ways or dysfunctional interactions or poor communication. It's about commitment.
It's about respecting each others feelings and mostly, it's about what we want from this relationship.
I have always wanted a commitment and Trish, has wanted a lover.She just couldn't believe you can have both. It is as simple as that. She left a 15 year relationship to get to know who she was. She wanted a lesbian lover and explore that part of herself and see where it led. She did not want to get into another relationship.
So..our experiment of living together is coming to an end and I doubt we will be able to salvage much of our relationship from this. We both have tried to make it work because there was great love and passion between us.
Now...I have to start looking after me again. Look after my happiness.No more distractions and dysfunctions and broken promises and hearts. It saddens me deeply that we couldn't make it work. That a love as great as this happened at a time one of us wasn't ready for it. It would have been a beautiful thing if it had been left to grow and breath.
I love you and always will.

Moving into the bachelor

It's been awhile since i blogged and I will say now that whatever rantings I may write, please understand that they are rantings of a sleep deprived dyke and I can't be held accountable.
I moved in with Trish officially, May 1st/2010. I say officially because I stayed over the night before but let's not split hairs!
So it's been 4 days and I need sleep. Real unbroken sleep! It's no ones fault.Trish and I have always had trouble sleeping together at the best of times. I snore, we are both light sleepers and now, add an injured knee to the mix. I twisted it a few weeks ago and it's taking it's sweet damn time to heal and it's brutal for sleeping as I can only sleep on one side and can only bend my knee a certain way or there is allot of pain. So of course, what do we do? We moved into her bachelor for a month as we are waiting for a one bedroom to come up in her building for June 1st. We know eventually we will need 2 bedrooms or 2 beds but this will do for now just to give us space. We can't sleep together long term so here we are, in her bachelor for a month and we are already walking around like a couple of zombies, barely talking and when Trish is tired, she is critical and sarcastic and when I'm tired, I'm impatient and moody. I think if we can manage some sort of normal sleep patterns in the next week, were good. So I am hopeful.