MISSY HIGGINS

MISSY HIGGINS

Love

I went to meditation last night and for the first time in a long time, I feel connected to myself again. After many conversations within my heart and with friends, I am truly in love with someone but have come to the conclusion I won't be in love at the expensive of myself.
Love is all consuming and with the right person, it's a consumption that is a blast! If the people involved can't ground themselves in that love, then it's a nightmare.
I did some reading this morning and was curious about definitions of love. I went first to a dictionary and man.... there was a listing of 28 lines of different types of love and ways of expressing it! Then I went to an encyclopedia and again many variations on the theme of love from different countries around the world. Love of self to love of your enemy to romantic love. For my intent and purpose, I like this definition the best.
"A profound tender, passionate affection for another person. Sexual passion and desire."

This journey for me started with my mother's death. I was lonely, unfulfilled and had no love in my life. I am working towards all of these needs but love is the most important. Love ...I gave up on you at a very early age and I have been empty ever since. Now...I love this amazing, creative and passionate woman who is afraid Of opening herself up to all the possibilities in front of her and sadly, her inability to embrace all that I can give, that all life can hold for her and all the love that is out there had an affect on me. My neediness and insecurity has developed from some of this but mostly from wanting her to fulfill every aspect of the love I crave. I so ache for her to be with me. To take the ride with me. I want to trust her, love her and go on a great adventure with her but if she is not ready to let go of her previous life and I can't create my own happiness, the cycle will repeat. I can't force her so I will work on my happiness.

I know we will eventually talk. It's now been 3 days. Excruciating but she knew we needed the break.
I so want to hear the words uttered from her lips.....
I can only hope and pray, I am her choice. If not, I know now, I am strong enough to move on because I have only one life to live and I want to live it.

Sometimes....it's just love

Postive Light

Will the sun ever come out again?? Sheez...These dreary rain soak, dull shitty days are not helping improve my temperament. So after the last few days of some soul searching, I have decided to do something constructive. A girls group/coffee house weekly meeting for over 40 lesbians. I have done some research and have come to the conclusion that there are more unhappy lesbians than happy. I am including myself in this group but I have an excuse. I'm menopausal! Okay...its not all that but I spoke to my cousin and she says if I take Vitamin B6, some of my depression will lift but will it solve unhappiness? No..I think not! I never realized how many people are so lonely and unhappy in this city! Gay and straight. I've spoken to woman in my gym, people on the street and friends and there is a consensus...life sucks!

So I decided to be constructive. I put out an add to all the lesbians in my community to join me once a week for tea, coffee etc...I hope we will have lively conversation, lots of laughs and just relax and get to know each other. I'll see how it goes and if it goes well, set this up as a weekly get together. Who knows...maybe we can resolve life's little mystery's! Signing off for now!

Ciao

I saw Her

I saw you the other day walking along the street.
You on one side, me on the other.
You were in a rush and focused on where you were going but
I matched your walk, ...fascinated that it was you...needing to make sure....
Then a light came up and turned red and you had to stop.

Yes,,...it was you.
A little older, a little plumper but the same face
You were going to go forward when the light turned green but at the last minute
you turned and came my way.

You didn't see me at first as your head was down but at the last second, we caught each others eye.

You smiled and I smiled that fake smile X-girlfriends give each other when they know it's going to be tough seeing each other after all these years...
Not sure how to react but not wanting to be rude.

We exchange pleasantries and as we talk I remember how you tasted when we kissed
how we had melded in each other's arms, the life we had shared so long ago...memories flood in...
What a strange experience seeing someone you have shared your life with, intimacy's with, now reduced to this single act of a handshake and polite conversation.

We talk for a little longer and found that awkward space that xlovers do and we say our goodbyes.

As I watch her hustle off to her life....my fingertips touch my lips remembering one more memory.
It's cold today....I pull up my collar and bury myself in my jacket for my walk home.

Loneliness

You spoke to me of loneliness
of how your life was empty and unsatisfying.
You expressed your anguish and pain
that you had no lover, no prospects.

I spoke of my loneliness, emptiness
of my anguish and pain
that I had a lover
but it didn't cure what I felt inside

Then I spoke to another who shared the same feelings and pains
the loneliness deep inside that no one could fill
and strangely we were not as alone as we thought.

We are comrades, sharing a common plight
that darkness inside is fed by our anguish
As long as we stay in this belief, the longer and deeper it becomes.

It is raining outside
the damp and darkness is feeding my melancholy
but I know tomorrow is another day and the sun...
she will come out as she always does and clean my soul
of it's despair.

Ickie Love

I am needy.

You never admit that do you?
That you are needy, that you are insecure.

I see the fear in your eyes,
When you are ferocious with your need of me,
you are like a vampire,...you suck all the passion and love I offer,everything you need, I allow you to take and take until....
you are satiated, then when you are done,you push me away out of fear. Your feeling ickie.
Don't tell me I am needy...I know I am.
I don't make excuses.
I want all the love I can get....there is never enough....
I want to breath it, embrace it's fingertips for I have done without far to long and
I have so missed it's tender touch.

I want you to hold me tight. Don't let go...embrace me so tight that I feel ickie and push you away and then...
do it again and again till the fear is gone and there is only light and peace.