Monday, October 18, 2010

Stayed to long


I loved you so much yet,I stayed to long.
I didn't know when enough was enough,
Words of blame thrown around like Small daggers, small cuts that
eventually become open wounds and never healed.
I stayed to long..... I wanted the dream of us no matter what the consequences to
my heart, my soul, my sanity and your happiness.
You were a drug that stopped the loneliness, that made me feel whole...full.

I stayed to long, even when I knew you couldn't give me what I wanted
I was drawn to your eyes, your lips and the promise of love ever after
The love making.....was......a place of dreams and rainbows and sweet fairies...
of peace and calm.....
I lived for those times but

I stayed to long...
Those moments never had legs that could walk
in this world, the real world.
I was devastated, I am devastated by that knowledge.
Why couldn't it have been...?

I stayed to long...waiting for something to change...waiting for that connection
to become stronger maybe? Each of us wanting the other to what?
Give in, give up....give?

I stayed to long and now.....we no longer connect.
We no longer can talk to each other without pain and hurt and disappointment.
I stayed to long and now.....

the love is replaced by bitterness of a dream lost.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

The Line


To be in a position where you finally realize that you do have a line that can be crossed is a bittersweet moment.I don't care about appearances or the Jones. I don't gossip and I do try to strive to be a better person.There have been amazing experiences in recent years that have taught me how to come out of myself and give to others like no other time in my life but I have also allowed myself to be used and emotionally stepped upon because I am a very giving, caring and forgiving person. I have always tried to see the best in people and the people I love, get even further slack. No matter what the manipulation, or how selfish that person is I give them the benefit of the doubt. I figure I am the queen of manipulation and guilt tactics so who am I to judge?

But there is a line. There is a point where you realize that the balance of negative energy out weights the positive. Where someone in your life is dragging you into their depression, their angst and their unhappiness. There are very few happy moments between you. That neither one of you is being heard and you do try over and over again to capture the best between you, to change the way things are, to have a voice in your destiny, to have balance of positive space and you fill up on those fleeting moments because you know, sadly, they don't stay long but you keep plugging on hoping....hoping for things to get better.

Each time something happens, a word, a phrase, a perceived slight, a selfish moment etc.... you both step away, hoping that when you get back together, something has changed for the better.That some how you can be happy together. After all, look at everything you've been through as a couple? Are we not warriors in love? Have we not battled the ghosts of the past, the present?

Then something happens that brings the full reality into your face.You get kicked in the emotional balls and your heart and your mind finally agree. It's enough. That nothing will change. That you will never have the kind of future you have been hoping for.That happiness with that person is fleeting. That it doesn't matter what she says or does, it can't be fixed this time. No words of love or anger is going to bring you back into that loving place because for whatever the reason, the line was finally crossed and there is no going back.

For now....I am alone and I think it's going to stay that way. I will find work, do my mentoring, love my friends and family the best way I can and remember if it wasn't for this relationship, I don't think I could have done this without her. She awoke in me a wonderful sleeping giant and I am so grateful for that. Now......I continue to move forward and let life lead me to wherever.I am becoming a full person again. The bitter irony, is she will not there to enjoy the fruits of all the hard work that got me here.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

In Her Way


She simply can't let go of her past. I can't compete with Mike and I realize now it's never been his doing. I don't think he has ever really stood in my way except that he is still in love with Trish and will do whatever she asks of him and that has always made me feel uncomfortable but I don't blame him.She is a bright, funny sensual woman, whats not to love?
Trish just won't let go of the security that Mike offers her. She has never trusted me and our relationship and because of that, it has never rooted and I doubt it ever will.

Whom ever she involves herself with will have to accept she will never be 100% involved in a relationship with them. The pull of family is too strong because she never had one she could trust as a child until Mike...and he gives her all that she craves. How can you compete with that? She may want sex and passion from you but Mike has given her the meat and potatoes....you are just desert so why would she want to build a life with you?. It doesn't matter that you have given 2 years of your life to her. It doesnt matter that you want to create an extended family with her or that after all the shit we had put each other through, that your still here.

I have always seen a future that included a family. Not in a traditional sense but where friends and family would come over for special events. That it would be a mix of Gay, straight...whatever....people that we loved and cared about, sharing a holiday. Creating our own traditions.

Last night...she absolutely shattered my dreams. After all the work, pain and triumphs, she still puts me second. I will never have with her what I deserve and what she longs for. Her insensitivity is due to her not getting past...her past and not being able to see her future with me or someone else. She will not, can not create a life with me as long as she sees Mike as her prime caregiver and protector. I see the truth now and no matter how I wish it, it's not going to happen and unfold as it should.

It's time to take my toys and go home. I don't want or deserve this kind of pain and rejection. I want a future and if it's not with her, then with no one.If I am destined to be alone,.....so be it.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Ghosts of Abuse



Yelling. screaming, hitting....
child with a full bag of black, putrid words
Not good enough, stupid, do it my way, control

Carried what I learned to my lovers, my partners...
Do it my way, your way is not good..
What are you doing?
I am more a question, attitude, make faces abuser.
Arrogant when I speak, tone implies your stupid..
Like a silencer on a gun....a slow serpent with a deadly tongue.

When I erupt in my red hot anger....then I am my mother's daughter..
My father's punching bag...and I pull out all I have learned, all the anger...
the words of hate, pain....
Don't even see what I am doing wrong...
it's normal to me until....
My lover...says...you make me feel bad about myself...
I can never do anything right....
Can you not be supportive instead of tearing me apart?

I hate what I am, what my parents have produced and I know...
I am the only one who can change.....
I can continue and stay alone or
stay in the moment...stay in love.....kill the demon, the serpent within...
Let the ghosts of abuse evaporate
Be happy.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Admiration


I am the dreamer, the romantic...
I live in my head...
I live in my heart...
I live in a place of fairy's
and I try to stay away from the harshness
of reality.

I am aware of this world.
I have to live here....
Can I take you with me to mine,,,, from time to time?
I know I frustrate you with my fluidity...
my lack of focus...my forgetfulness.

You have the strength to live here.
You do bring me to this reality, to share my life with you..
I know it's a struggle as you don't understand where I go...
why I go....but your strength, your love, I am ever cognisant of your power.

I admire and detest your realism.
but...I can transport you to my world so easily.
you are the one who sees...
You are a writer after all! You see my stories, you are able to fly with me...
Such an amazing gift, don't you think?
You can live in both worlds effortlessly. Again...I admire you.

I struggle daily to stay in this world and not fade into the other.
Where.... you move through them as if there is no door!

You are capable of such great things.
I may never say this enough and I now know I don't.
You are my love, my muse.
I need to let you, be you.
I idealize you but at the same time, know you.
I romanticize you but am aware of your struggles, your pains, your life.
I dream of you but need to accept your realities.

You remind me what I am here for. What I need to accomplish and what...
the prize is...
what is waiting for me in this world.

I need to be able to make you happy in my love of you.
That is my journey to your heart and soul.
It will also lead to my own happiness.

The dreams

I had a dream last night. You were laying across your bed in that ripped green dress I love and you spoke softly to me about starting over. I caressed your smooth soft cool skin as you spoke, hypnotized by the tone of your voice. You did not speak in frustration, hurt or anger but from a place of love and contentment. From a place of peace....and you drew me in. You spoke of forgiveness and that the only way to know for sure if we were meant to be together was to wipe the slate clean. That we should start from here, now and allow whatever is to truly happen to us, unfold. I moved closer to you and kissed your lips. So warm and full and inviting. I stayed there for awhile, loving you.

Then I had another dream. We were at some sort of dance video that we had been asked to participate in. ( This one was probably inspired by Glee last night.) :) We were not happy with each other. Too much pain, to much talk to much blame had clouded our love. We were just tolerating each other but we had to perform in unison for the video shot. I had to dance behind you moving a shear flowing piece of material to the music but our hearts weren't in it. It lacked energy and love. A young woman came up to you trying to help, trying to get you more involved and she did! Her energy, vibrancy, her positive attitude drew you to her and the next thing I knew, you and she were dancing together and doing such a great job, that a crowd formed around the two of you and my vision was blocked, I was blocked. I could no longer see you and I felt so far removed. I walked away, I walked home...collected my things and left.


I know that these dreams represent what could happen. The balance of positive and negative is teetering in either direction.

Last night, I was frustrated by what you said what you implied. That I didn't love all of you. Every line and flaw is a part of you. Would I like some things to change? Of course I would. As you would like some things to change with me. Am I too critical and judgemental of you? I think you may be right but I don't know how to stop it. It is not a reflection on you. I love you....I Love all of YOU! I think we are beyond talking now as we keep finding ourselves at a wall of frustration, anger and I feel defeated because we can't seem to get out of this circle and move forward. When I suggested therapy, this is what I would like us to get help with. We need someone to hear our dialogue and help us sort out this maze or the second dream could be a reality I never want to experience.

I love you baby. I would like the first dream to be our lives.

xxoo

Monday, September 20, 2010

How To Get Along – Gemini and Pisces

How To Get Along – Gemini and Pisces

The Twin and The Fish

This series on AstroCompatibility will cover all of the potential matchups in the Zodiac. We will continue this series thinking about and commenting on Gemini and Pisces. You can get an EBOOK with all 12 sun signs matched, for each sun sign, including of couse, Gemini or Pisces at the new website: http://www.astrologygetalong.com by Christofer.

Pisces is a Mutable Water Sign. Gemini is Mutable Air. Then think about the fact that both of you have this “two ness”. Pisces is a fish going in two different directions. Gemini is at least two people waking up each morning. It should give you a sense of comfort, while you whistle in the dark. Plainly, the biggest difference is that one of these abides in the stratosphere, and the other can be comfy in the deepest oceanic depths. Willingness becomes then, the key word. How much do they care for each other? Their oppositional elements can definitely go together, but they both have to be willing to get an “E Ticket” to the others’ territory. If Gemini demands selfishly to insist on not entering emotional quandaries, Neptunian insights, psychic discussions and topics about the subconscious, then maybe the Twin is not ready for the Fish. Conversely, the Fish would have to let the water stream from its gills and agree to go on an all-things-are possible trip soaring through the clouds. If the Fish is too reluctant to entertain this possibly uncomfortable aspect to the fast moving Gemini, then maybe it’s not for the best.

Piscean mystery has to do with the fact that they are both super wise, and somewhat out of it. It’s as if they are given a motion picture insight into everyone they meet, but self-understanding sometimes eludes them. Like a camera man who forgets he is a camera man and over identifies with the film, the Fish can forget. And sometimes, it’s a deep forgetfulness. There is potential beauty here though. If Gemini finds this Pisces, they can help lift, identify and classify the fishes’ soulfulness, give it a name, scrub it up and write a no nonsense story of resurrection for the one it loves.

Positive Postulate:

Framed positively, both the Fish and the Twin have to look at their harmonics. The Pisces can add humor and wisdom to an individual who can often be accused of being way too cool and easily disengaged. Gemini can lift the Fish from introspective moodiness and make it not so hard to figure.

Romance Recommendation:

Gemini and Pisces should appreciate each others’ differences. Gemini might have to patiently bring a Fish out of a “Gloomy Gus” day every once in awhile. Gemini having to slow down and care, is not such a bad thing. Pisces might have to stop moping and gear itself for the magician of communication, just to stay with the program and enjoy a partner who can spread some joy.

Conflict Quotient:

Pisces would want to avoid conflict. If they are forced into conflict, or to defend themselves, they can present a strongly felt, oceanic kind of suasion. They can get as nasty as they need to be, but what Gemini needs to watch out for is the fight that Pisces might keep waging, day after day after day, in other more quiet, but painful ways. The Twin is a debater extraordinaire, sarcasm personified. They are still always afraid that they might hurt too deeply. They often go too far and win the battle, but lose the war. This could be a very negative scenario.

Peace Parlay:

Life in the end is repetitive and mundane, and so is Romance itself. This factor asks the question: "Can we be bored together over the long term?" This is a very heartening factor. Pisces boring lazy evenings could be quite appealing to the emotionally overwrought Gemini. The tired Fish, the hassled Gemini, could be quite happy seeking out the quietude of a “boring” scene.

Keep Up The Interest Graph:

Gemini hates staleness. The Fish can be SO internal, that it lives on the inside and becomes a reluctant participant. Gemini can help with this deficit, and then actually end up benefitting from the Fish’s imagination. They can keep up the interest and also develop adaptability for each other.

Seven Year Itchiness:

There are some signs that by their nature are more stable in their love interests and family concerns, as time goes on. Others are not. A Fish can lose touch with itself sometimes, and then swim into the murky depths of a night club. It might be in the 7th year, or not. Gemini is very fluid and easily contemplates any possibility. The care that they have shown each other would be their protection.

RATING:

ASTROCOMPATIBILITY POSSIBILITY RATING: 70% Positive Long Term - 70% Short Term. Mutual attraction can definitely happen right off the bat. If these two do not implode with a lack of tolerance, patience and the miasma of emotionalism, they could be a sweet couple.