The Deconstruction of Trish and Pauline

This has to be one of the most difficult times in my life. My emotions run from compassion for what Trish is going through to impatience to anger to love, to depression and so forth. I feel like Jeckle and Hyde! I can't seem to stay in one place. I want to stay in contact with her and I don't. If you break up with some one, no matter what the reasons, you should lick your wounds and move on, right?

It doesn't help that I'm not working. What I wouldn't do for the bliss and curse of routine right now. Work fills a sense of purpose and doing. I have to much time on my hands to mope and brood over my breakup and as much as I would dread getting up at an ungodly hour in the morning or an afternoon shift, I wish for a day filled with distractions and tasks.

I miss her so much, I ache inside. I realized this morning that what I miss about her is her love. When Trish is happy, there is an aura of light about her that is contagious. That light was what first drew me to her and when it's around, it still does.
I have come to the conclusion that I have participated in the deconstruction of Trish and Pauline.

The Irony was that that light I was attracted to, I helped snuff out. Due to my own insecurities and demons, due to the circumstances of how are relationship began and due to how we individually responded to stressors, emotional challenges and our own wounded children and growth as adults all came together to create a combustible, passionate union, that was in reality destined to fail. It lasted as long as it did because despite all our dysfunctional behavior towards each other, deep in the pit of the demon, a seed of love emerged that was so powerful, it kept bringing us together, time after time after time again.

We are now in a place of limbo. Trish said it best, " She can't move back and can't move forward, she is stuck". I do understand as I feel the same way. We want the same things from each other. Love, respect and most of all balance and a comfortable peace between us. As usual we both have different views as to how to achieve these goals. :) I do smile because this is indicative of how we are together, how we process and resolve personal issues and of course argue about who is right. lol

I believe we need outside help from a therapist. An impartial observer into our lives that can help us navigate and teach us new skills to communicate and resolve our issues. I have been very lucky in my life when it comes to therapy. I totally detested the idea when I was young because my mother was a firm believer in it due to the fact she was a social worker and believed that if you cant sort it out, get help! I was young and rebellious and my mother was always using her phycobabble on me when we spoke and it infuriated me that she didn't speak to me as my mother and not some amature phycologist! Sound familiar Trish? It's funny that Trish accuses me of doing the very same thing my mother did and I have to smile at that irony. I did turn into the poster child for promoting therapy after all. Luckily, certain events unfolded in my life that steered me to seek help and to a good therapist. I was able to work through some major issues in my life at that time and move forward. As always life is a never ending series of challenges and this definitely is one of those times where I feel, we could benefit as a couple, from someone that has the expertise in these types of unresolved conflicts.


I can't speak for Trish but from what she has told me, she does not believe she would benefit from therapy. I know she has had some experience with a therapist and she has never said what had happened to turn her off of the process, just that it wasn't for her. She says things like we shouldn't be going through all this stuff as a young couple starting out and in my mind it's like, who says? There is no statute of limitations on when a person should or shouldn't go into therapy! My belief is if we love each other so much, wouldn't you do whatever needs to be done to make it healthy? To continue loving each other the way we really want to?

Or maybe the truth is so much simpler.There have been personal challenges between us and individually but Trish never got to break up with her husband and go it alone. She has never been able to sort through her feelings about herself. She doesn't know who she is...alone.

And that.....is it isn't it? So because Trish need to journey to Trish, I am secondary and I feel wounded all the time because I am not first. I lash out at her, say terrible thinks to her, try to possess her all because I have always been secondary to what she needs to do for herself. Until she is able to know and understand who she is in all this and develop a happy and balanced life for herself, we won't work.

Fuck...that sucks for me!

I guess this is where I stop as I have no end for what I have just written. We are broken up because we can't move from this place. I really don't know what to do. I don't want to move forward without her. She is my soul mate,my kindred and I can't seem to be the bigger person and let her go. So I stay here in this limbo of personal hell.I guess eventually like all things, I will move from here because it's not a healthy place to be but for now, this is where I am.

So Trish and Pauline end here? Maybe a new story will emerge? As I said, I have no end to what I have written and maybe that is the best place to be for now....

My Pathetic Moment

I just came in from a walk with Tina and while we were out a drizzle rain started and I realize, I feel like the weather. Dark, Damp depressing.
I am sinking into a place I haven't seen for awhile. I am so frustrated by what hurts me and I can't control it! The pain is deep and I have to find a way to cut that cord. How can this have happened? How can the universe be so cruel?

2 Years ago, I put a request out to the energy's of this world, to God, to the Holy Ghost and whoever, whatever would listen, to please bring a woman into my life that I could love and she would love me back. I remember that feeling that night, lying on my air mattress. I think I made that prayer a few times that first year back from Calgary but there was one night, I felt so focused on my wish.

I did meet her and it's been a roller coaster ever since. I'm not going to rehash all of this but I don't know where to go, how to feel...I just want to yell the pain in my gut out so I don't hurt anymore.

I put out there today, that I want some form of communication with her because no contact would kill me and she responded that she would like that very much as well but would have to figure out a way we could without any expectations. She wants us to be friends. Man.....that will be so hard for she is the love of my life and to see her and not touch,....would be a lesson in masochism.

I know she loves me as much as I love her but I don't know what is wrong with us??

There is so much blame thrown around by both of us, it should be an Olympic sport!

All I know and have always known, is I want to live and breath her. To kiss those lips everyday and see love in her eyes everyday and even do the normal mundane things everyday...with her.

So here is my pathetic plea to the universe,

Please help us find our way to each other. Let Trish be happy and embrace this flawed, funny, passionate woman,( ME ) and help me to accept all of her,( TRISH ) beauty, passion and flaws as well. No more drama, no more confrontations about our relationship but a beautiful relaxed flow of love between us. Am I being to vague? To romantic? Not realistic? Whatever! I hope your up there God because I'm not happy with you right now and you better be listening.

So please...I'll even get on my knees, please help us.

Thats it.
No Amen because you God...messed up my dream ..my wish...my happiness.
later

Mirrors

I said what you wanted to hear.
I do have a nasty temper and I agree that I had work to do when it came to manipulation and controlling behavior but because I recognized it,that I loved you and I had always know this was a problem, I wanted to change and I did. As I worked on this area of my life, it was wonderful how the changes affected others that I cared for and how I was not hurting as much and how happiness started to move through me but you didn't see that because the truth was, you weren't happy.

You have stayed in the past and have never moved from there. I used an amputee as a metaphor in a poem I wrote and I feel it's pretty accurate. You can't let go and it is crippling you and ending us.

I love you very much but I will not be coming back this time when you get depressed and suicidal. I am not the enemy and I am tired of you making me feel like that how I am and love you is not enough. That how I speak is not good enough.

Here is the truth. You are the dominate one. You are the alpha and there is no room for another in your life. You need to be right and on top and rarely do you look in the mirror. You hate that I call you on your stuff and hopefully you meet and fall in love with someone that doesn't challenge your dominance. The only time you relinquish control is in bed and then..... you are sweet and beautiful.

When I say things like , look at "who is calling the kettle black" it is very hard to take criticism from you when you do the same things. Who are you to tell me I am controlling and critical and judgemental?.....do look in a mirror. You are unhappy, moody and negative. You will blame me because that is what you do.It is someone else's fault and you have to be right.

I know we are the only ones in control of our own happiness and I am not responsible for taking yours. I have apologized for the past many times and have finally forgiven myself. You claim that you have moved past it but you haven't and till you do, this cycle will continue.

I am in love with you and those feelings make it very difficult to leave you. I have tried so many times to pull away from you because the woman I love,( when she is present), is full of life, happiness and love. When you question me on my happiness levels, I know it's you you are talking to, not me for I am happy and getting happier,it is you that is not happy!!. I'm not as insecure as I use to be and I feel stronger and more in power of my life. I still have a long way to go but I do see light and that is a wonderful thing. Yes...I accept I can be critical and judgemental and sometimes when I say things I don't realize the tone I am setting but I am NOT my brother.

When you compared me to my brother and family, that is a knife in my heart and you know that would hurt me because you knew I'd take that very personally. Then I thought about it and realized I am NOT my brother or my mother. When my brother speaks to his wife on a regular basis, he yells, belittles, screams profanities and basically treats her with little or no dignity or respect for her person. She is a bug to be squashed and he NEVER relinquishes control. I think if you ever sat in his house for a minute you would look at me and be ashamed of making that comparison. He doesn't see his behavior as wrong and I do.

Yes...I do. I am not him. Even though I have take responsibility for what I have said to you and others in the past out of anger and frustration, I will never be like him because I am self aware....that I am wrong ...and I am overcoming and changing. If you ever compare me to him again, I will leave you for good.

So yes...I am making the assumption that you will eventually contact me again because deep down, past the Diva and past the alpha female that always need to be right, you love me and know the truth. That I truly love you and am not trying to make you unhappy, manipulate you or control you.

Only this time, I will not be coming back to you. If you want me for real, you need to make the next move. I am done trying. I am a good and gentle person that deserves your love and respect. Forgive me and yourself Trish.

I love you

P
xxoo

Let it go

I have done the work
I have opened my eyes
and i know what I want and where I love.

Shame on you for making me second guess
for making me feel like I haven't learned by my mistakes
that the progress I have made has made me....more not less.
For hurting me again with your drama

You confuse complacency with peace and harmony
You only want more conflict

You will cry wolf one to many times
What will happen if this time it's real baby?
What if you can't bring me back to your heart?
What if I walk away and never return to you.

You hang onto the past like an amputee. You know your arm is cut off and you know
it will never come back and over time,
You still feel the pain but it's a phantom...it's in your memory
of once was, having an arm..... but you always feel the pain
and never move past....
You never let it go.

Tranquility

Thoughts of self float softly
Through shades of blue and white.
Heart beating…..
Testing the waters of new innocents.

Smiling through full lips
Drink cool waters of purity
Placing my essence within the circle of life.
My life!

Travel To Coney Island

Travel my heart
See what is waiting for you
Gingerbread men meet Godzilla on the playing field
Lusting,fighting,crying,loving….Passion for you
Tinker bell smiles at me…
Knowing all my secret places

Travel to my mind
Walk the maze of intellect and emotion
Einstein playing chess with Linda lovelace
Tiger stepping into Pooh

Travel to me
Ride the cosmic roller coaster
Watch my past go by like a carnival
Throw your head back ….
Laugh and cry as hard as you can
You have reached Coney Island.

Storm of my Heart

Winds blow through me as I push against her force.
I feel her strength, determination as her breezes swirls around, into my heart.
Every breath I take...I can hear the violent rustle of the trees around me,
creaking, swaying at her power. That sound.....
I feel a thrill run through me...anticipation, excitement....
I am awed and inspired. She is truly now..real...powerful in her simplicity.

I feel blessed that I understand on a level that transcends description, words.

I am freed of my earthly confines for a few moments.
Understanding what is true...real and it is not what I have been taught.
What has been drilled into me since I was a baby.

I get glimpses of who I could be...become...I am so close, I can taste the peace...the tranquility within. All I need to do is surrender to it and I will know what bliss is.

I have no control and her beauty and power tells me so.

My hair is pushed away from my face by her strong winds and I feel no restraints, confines that I have placed on myself....I am.....


Free.