Stop

I have been trying all day to figure out how to speak how I'm feeling with some kind of clarity. Some kind of inner understanding as to what I am feeling and what is coming out of me with out placing blame and being objective about what I want to say.

I have acted terribly. My challenge...difficulty... is understanding why someone like Trish wants to be with someone like me! What I mean is, is I am the type of person that is impatient, controlling and have a certain vision in my head due to my experiences in life as most of us do, which is defined by my past relationships, wants and desires that dictate to me to some extent expectations for my life.

Never in my widest dreams did I think I would end up in a place with someone yet again, where the cohesion that we both desire and crave has failed.

I haven't learned yet how to just be and let others be. I am not in a defeatist place but a place of reflection. Trying very hard to understand why the universe won't allow a certain amount of peace in my life. I know that choices have to be made for me to be happy.

Are my experiences and her's so dramatically opposite? What would happen if I just leave everything alone? I mean....don't push, don't pull...don't struggle..just breath.

Maybe it's an experiment I should take on.

Ice Cream

I was texting a friend this morning who was envious of us because she missed living with a partner. I spoke of the challenges Trish and I faced and how we were oil and water but ice cream in the middle. My friend laughed and liked the reference.

That metaphor is perfect to describe how we are with each other and how we interact.
Sometimes its like nails scratching down a chalkboard and at other times it is pure silk brushing against your skin.

I accept this dynamic. It is what it is. What worries me, is that now that we live together, I believe she believes domestic life will kill our passion and our romance. I agree that for over a month ( the move took precedence)and there hasn't been much of either. What romance and passion that has transpired, I initiated.

I think, if I cant change her mind about domestic life just being an extension of our love for each other and not a death trap...it will be the end of us. Why is it up to me? To be honest....she does not take the lead very often when it comes to romance. Part of that is my fault due to some major fumbles in the past but mostly, she is not an outy...she is an inny. Everything for Trish is internal. All emotion, every thought is written and not exposed to the outside world. Its what makes her an amazing writer. She even texts when shes angry and upset instead of confronting the issue. She is who she is and I love her but these challenges do cause frustration and many times I feel like I'm on the outside of her...unable to reach that soft ice cream of her heart.

I do have to find a way though. I will not lose her to some idea she has in her head about what domestic life is. It should be a place of balance and love and of course passion.

The Horse whisperer

So...I freaked out yesterday. Every fear and anxiety I had about my move in with Trish finallly came together. She must have thought I was a bit loopy as I spilled out like a baby girl. She did have a knowing smile on her face the whole time I was ranting about what if this and what if that as if she was expecting the breakdown completely!

I think Trish is a kind of horse whisperer only her skill seems to work with baby's, dogs and me! She has an abiliity to pass a type of energy on that is almost like a tranquilizer.

I have come to the conclusion that my beautiful wonderful trishy is very special, warm and soft. I don't think everyone gets to see all these great qualities but my friends have and embrace her because of that. What wonderful gifts she has and I'm all the better for being a part of her life.

P for Passion Lost

I've lost my passion I think.
Not sure when it happened but always tired now. Constantly busy and no time for me. When I do get some time to do what I want, I am slapped on the wrists and told it seems I want to do fun things with other people and not with her.

I am always thinking about her. I include her in all aspects of my life and I'm finding that I am depleted. The cronic complaints that I don't do fun things with her wear on me.

I actually got a weekend to myself a few weeks ago. Trish went to Ottawa for a week to visit her sister. For the first time in a I dont know how long, I had a week to do what I wanted, when I wanted and whenever I wanted.

I must admit, It was wonderful! Just being by myself without being told...ANYTHING...was a freeing time. When did being me become such a burden? When did I start feeling choked?

And that is how I feel.Choked! This must be my fault because if this was happening to me, I should have put a stop to it but I didnt.

I cant blame Trish. The circumstances of living separately has created a dynamic that I've never experienced before. Whatever free time I do get, I want to spend with her because there isnt alot of us if I don't!

That same dynamic has also created a very tired and lackluster Pauline. 2 more weeks before we move in together. Finally, 4 years later it's happening. I want more time just for me. For what I want to do.

Don't get me wrong...I love my Trishy with all my heart. The times we have spent together especial the good, feed my soul but the constant trying to balance my life and our life has taken its toll and I am so very hopeful that is coming to an end.

I want to find my passion again. I need it to be happy. I need to find me again.

Reality...S

I still see the beautiful young girl when you smile
and find peace when I sit close to you and hold your hand.

We are developing a stronger bond but at times the reality of the outside world is just to much...to complicated and shatters my dreams of you and I.

I want barbwire fences put up to keep them out, I want the ideal in my head to be the true reality.

No more dealings with past loves, past relationships and old history. I want new stories...new events.... like kissing a newborns bottom for the first time or the first sunrise you witness.

Is that possible now at this point in life? Is there always going to be wounds, history and baggage?

I know the answer even as I ask the question. I do wish though...

Fear and Love

Fears float around me, through me.
How can I trust a universe so fickle.
I understand that I have to take it on faith and put fear and anxiety aside to live.

I feel so deeply and hurt so hard.
If I settle into a nice cozy cocoon and allow love to warm me to envelope me...
experience has taught me, rugs do get pulled out from under you.

No one is forever, no one really tells the truth..
You say you love me till something better, newer comes along?

but....

You are always here, no matter what I throw at you...
You have always seen me...seen through my fears and doubts...
I am amazed at your fortitude...stubborness?
Your strength of love...yes....you love me...despite my anxiety...difficulty


What is it you see...that brings you back everytime?
Only you can reach into me...
you change me a littel more...and more...fearing less...trusting as my love deepens, settles.


I stand on a staircase and step on each rung one slow step at a time.
because of you....
There will always be a nagging voice saying ya...but when you get too comfortable, she will leave you.

Maybe...but what if she doesnt?

What if she really really wants you? What if there is happy in love?

When all is said and done and I question to death, love, trust, fear...you are always in front of me..
loving me, your eyes see me and express how deeply you feel for me.

You are the one and that I do trust.

Water on Glass

Your kisses are like water on glass
I fall into you..like Alice down the rabbit hole.
you take me away from here as my hands caress your skin and your dancing eyes watch my every move.
Wet....my lips touch yours...like water on glass...

Breathe you in deeply, listen to your sighs as my fingers reach in

wet....

the heat...

I feel your heart pound, your lips thicken...wet..water on glass


I found you again...it has always been you....

water...slippery smooth water....warm, gentle

in my ears,the rush ...my heart pounds for you


Only You.