Loneliness

As she walks closer looking for the one she lost,
The pond appears clear and tepid.
Enclosed by lush trees,the sun filters
through the branches as separate beams of God...

She squats down, her reflection mirrored in the still water
sad...searching, wanting behind her eyes.
Her fingers touch the water ever so lightly and
ripples expand outward slowly...away from her.
Her tears falling from her eyes into the pond add to the rippling and a continual dance begins.

Her loneliness is paletable to her...she feels it all around
as she wraps her arms around herself.
Nothing has changed...she is alone...still.

It's a dull thud in my heart now.
Finally disillusioned
All promise forgotten and swept under my memories
A love unattainable...a dream unfulfilled.

I don't understand the cruelty of the winds
to have been so close and yet....

Eventually the truth will be unveiled but for now..
I walk and breath in the shadow of what was promised
but not walked upon.

Bitterness and steel are in my heart now.
Protective shields for healing.
I lay a flower at the foot of our grave...
a dream lost...goodbye my love.

The Winds of Promise

Inside myself again....keep quiet...don't voice the swirl of emotions.
lips that once met with electricity,
bodies entwined in passion,
placed on a shelf....until?

The craving deep in my belly, yells at me for release.
control your urgings, your needs...your fantasy's.
Live in a glass house made of clear cellophane...
fill yourself with distractions....

I am not a single leaf...but am forced to float on winds coming from the south.

Remembrance of yearnings...passions...catch my breath with excitement..
obsession...asked to tame and control my very being.

I open my legs my heart ....wanting to go deeper...to catch my breath within

your eyes ...your touch...

put a lid on it you dreamy girl....you watery Pisces....no fluidity needy here!

Play in my yard you say for I no longer am apart of you....separate

single leaf floating all alone on winds that no longer swirl in promise and I am

waiting.....waiting....waiting....I am the sentry of winds that once promised

bliss.....waiting in hope of a renewed strong northerly breeze

of passion...of what bound us.

Believe Again

Perhaps fate has decreed a holiday from all the pain and striff.
Perhaps we are weary and no longer wish to continue a battle dance of wills
or perhaps....we have truly found each others bright lights of self and awareness.

I do know you are struggling again with a new challenge. A challenge that could end how you feel for me.
It is scary for me at times but I take comfort in the knowing I see in your eyes that is only for me. Even though you may feel you've lost something between us, your lips tell a different story.
Your hunger is still ever present even if it takes me a little longer to reach it.

When my hands find you, I feel that presents..that energy that is only mine. I smile at that knowledge and wait for you to believe again.

Bleeding

Exhausted by the ups and downs of my emotions.
Given plenty of advice as to what to do, what not to do but
I continually bleed.

She hates me now.
I hear it in her latest poem.
Bitterness and resentment seeps from her words...

I am all over the place and can't seem to stop
thinking about her...
It just has to get better, doesn't it?

I was at a dance tonight and watched woman slow dance
They looking into each others eyes,
hands of familiarity on each others waists, shoulders...so gentle and loving.
I sat watching and my heart ached and I almost burst into tears.

This is what I lost. This is what we lost.
I am blood soaked.

Half my life revolved around you.
When I speak to a woman who is attracted to me,
I compare her to you.

I text another woman as if it is you I am talking too....
missing those very texts I always complained about.
When I'm aroused I think I can sleep with someone else on a casual bases...
but then I become to pushy, to overly zealot, creepy and I feel like I'm going to implode.
The pressure inside is so..so..it's just not you.

My balls are cut off and even aroused, I can only think of you.

You permeated my very being.
I have to much time on my hands now...
No more weekends together or Wednesday nights at your apartment.
No more sleeping together even if it was hard...I loved you next to me.
No making you breakfast, kissing your lips...
I am torturing myself.

If the depression doesn't kill me, the loneliness will.
I can't even fuck someone else because of you!

I hate this place I am in.

Rough day

Having a rough day. Jagged and raw and no where to hide.
Remember the pipe cleaner rings I made? I found them while dusting...memories of that day flood my mind and heart. Almost threw them out but I couldn't.

Images of you making love to her flashed in my mind. torturing my every moment today.
Listening to Adele playing in the background of my life doesn't help right now
but I guess I want to hurt and bleed a little.
Isn't that what you do when your heart hurts? bleed a little? to get rid of it...get rid of the pain, the memories? To release and cleanse your heart so you can love again? Feel again..look at woman again? Fuck again?

Can't seem to sit in alone today...feel empty and painful.
Change the music...that's enough for one day.