The Lesbian Shuffle - Part 2

The curve of your face as I gently kiss your lips falls into my hand.
I feel your body hum as I touch you in the places that send you into ecstasy and
then...I wake up from this dream and I am alone...

Your smell still so strong in my nostrils, the taste of your lips, the wetness of your pussy still lingers on my finger tips.....it is torture...I stare away...
tears well up...

remembering your laugh and the deep mysteries of your eyes haunt me...
I will go out tonight trolling the bars for young girls...I need to forget you....to forget you were the one I let go...that slipped between my fingers.

I need to fall between someone Else's thighs to erase your smell or I will go mad.

I'm not looking for a "love connection"....still feeling the fall out of you leaving me for good...the pain is fresh and inescapable.
It's the aloneness. that I want to escape from....the memories that haunt me.

Alcohol and woman...amusements and escapes from my past. I will feel nothing except the warmth of another human being...for a moment...get lost in the pretend..the sex...and try very hard to forget you and it will be a lie. I know
it is but....
As a young woman walks by me and gives a look of want, I will grab her hand and for a brief while....delve into painless illusion and breath for a moment.

Jagged Little Pill

Take your medicine with a smile, that jagged little pill of humility
the knowledge of knowing...
it's not all about me...it's not always personal
My Life moves through my veins running hot, clean...
understanding....


Do you love yourself?
first thought that comes to mind....
I don't hate myself...laughing at my negotiations..
trying to manipulate myself?!

Young in my maturity...so many mistakes
a waterfall of flowers surround my thoughts of you...
there is no poison....just stumbling......
I do know when it is right..the path always widens when its right.
I can see so clearly.....
No questioning...peace and knowing.

Are you happy?
I can see it ...

The final goodbye

A place inside hurts and screams at what has been lost
I wanted so much more than this for myself,
I have learned to climb but still have more to conquer.
The next leg of the journey is to speak my truth..to be myself, alone again... without the walls of manipulation to protect my fears.

My heart is in pain. I have no words to express how I have failed.
It will pass...I will heal...I will learn from my mistakes and move on. I wish I didn't have to without you.

I so wanted you with me and move forward together on this journey but now I see.... in this reality that that dream is impossible. It's so horribly sad that turmoil and bitterness has stripped away all that was good between us and now, the woman I love, speaks to me in disdain, disinterest and fear...
How I loved you....you will never know how deep that dream went but I never, ever expressed it well.

I know how much I hurt you, smothered you and abused you and that reflects on my heart, my soul and I am ashamed. You didn't deserve any of it...always wanting to be right....controlling....I don't know why it was so important to change you.

Now...it truly is the final goodbye. I will no longer be this person and find my
dream, my life...my truth as I know that once i've learned the lessons..only then...will I have love for myself and others.

Goodbye baby xxoo

I dreamed of you......

I dreamed of you sitting at a desk, writing, with sheer white curtains blowing gently
from Mediterranean breezes through your window.
You were wearing a light cotton see through dress that barely hung from your shoulders,
leaving little to the imagination.
I, lounging in a over sized comfy couch, reading the latest Stephen King book
and my mind wandering to erotic places I haven't yet been with you.

You say that I am lazy, not interested but you don't know what I dream, what my reality is. Your mind is in dark and murky places...in past hurts... questioning if we have enough to be together...your moods roll like the waves of the sea and I can't reach you.
Life....this reality we live, is not what I dream of when I look into your eyes.

I asked for you. I dreamed of you. I still dream of you but this reality...this dream....almost makes it impossible to visit Venezuela with you. So many mistakes, so many transgressions, so many words that only say, "look at what you did to me!?" "See the scares you have inflicted on my heart? " You stole my dream!

Terrible things were said and done out of fear, out of pain, out of disappointment.

But I do remember you and the dream that is you.

Do you still want it?
Are your thoughts so clouded by what I am not and have forgotten what I can give you?
I still do dream of you...in those most erotic places of my mind.
By the sea, at the desk...your legs open for me to enter.

I remember the dream.

The Player

Count your blessings that you are not me.
I am the player, the rogue,
the possibility of finding happiness ....
is questionable.

I strut, I swagger, I blatantly stare and lust and when I am close to your ear,
I whisper what could be possible.Always in Character, always controlled, always alone.

I am the player. Too lazy, too Grey, to distant for emotional entanglements only wanting the fantasy,
the immediate heart pounding seconds that thrill, the conquest.

A player with only one agenda. To feel a hot wet pussy,to fulfill a woman desires and needs....her begging for release....and you give none...
its not your way.It's the tease you are addicted too. Its the dance of passion you live for. You are a slave to your own fantasy.

I am the player. I know no other way to be, to exist.
You ask for more, to take away the fantasy I have created and replace it with
What?
A life, a chance at a relationship, a chance at being real, just a chance.

I am the player, that has played myself out of time, out of wanting more, of
feeling what I need to feel, to love.

The player that stands alone and has no place to go.

The Dream

I love you...
Don't forget that.
You are my heart and my soul
but now.....we have to be apart.

I want to breath you in like I have never been able to.
I want to dance with you in the kitchen and
feel that you want all of me...even the ugly.

I want to make love to you in free abandon..
no demons...no constraints...
when you hug, breath deeply and embrace, cocoon in that warm place
love full, love hard baby...there is only one life.


I need you to embrace all of it....no more obligations
or reasons not to do...
I want reasons to do.

I want to save our money and travel...
I want to be the guilt ridden Catholic that I am,the worrier, the poet
and I want you to be the best tortured writer you can be
and watch you dance in the rain.

I love you
that will not change
but everything else must.

It May be Time

Pressing my face against the window,
mist from my breath fogs the glass.
A tear falls down my cheek,
as I trace a heart with your name in it.


I am a child again, lost and confused,
why am alone, why is my heart broken?
I don't want us to hurt each other anymore...
You haven't spoken to me....silent.


Posted a sign the other day,
I know I am difficult, aren't we all?
It's either all of me, or none of me.


The wall of history has divided us,
neither forgotten or forgiven.
No words between us can heal the wounds.


No matter how I love or cherish you,
you only see what I am not.
It may be time to say goodbye.

The ghosts of the past haunts.....
like circling vultures,
waiting for another opportunity to attack,
To destroy what is left.

I can't deny what I have contributed and
I cannot be any other person than who I am.
I am defined by my experiences...by my life...
as you are.

I touch the glass with my breath on it,
cool to the touch...
Drawing a line to the future...
The unknown....
It may be time to say goodbye.