Aloneness

Alone too much in my bubble.
Memories of the past keep me safe, stagnate.
Not fear that holds me here. Complacency, unmotivated to move forward.
Why am I so settled here? I am bored and restless...have I lied to myself? Maybe it is fear?
I know not what to do.

Trapped in my memories, not realizing till now, it is me that has controlled this course.
Need to let go of the past...need new and exciting adventures.
Plagued by self doubt.

I feel very alone today. Need to set a new course or I will die here.

In my loneliness I have created an imaginary life that will never exist.
I do know that. I guess I have always known that.

I do want more for myself. Can't just be happy in my bubble.

My spirit needs more...needs love...needs a passion...needs....

I have isolated myself from everyone, controlled when I see my friends...
when I socialize...when I live.
Live?...I don't live...I exist.

The mirror is very big and sharp today and I see my reflection very clearly.
I stand alone staring at what I have become.

Reflection and Circumspect

Why do I still need to reach out to you?
Is it my memories or wishes of what is lost or could have been?
Is it because no one has stepped into my life to steal my heart from you?

Do I still love you? Do I miss your kisses, your eyes, your touch?
Day dreams of you lying with me...why do I do this to myself?

The art of letting go is not for the weak.
I am stuck in my memories and dreams of you. My loss and regret of you.
Maybe that's all it is.

I don't dwell on the things that broke us apart. I know I could have done better.
Been more....
we both could have been so much more...

At the core of it, my love still runs deep.
Ever present ache, emptiness

I wish for the blessed release of a new love. Someone that could end this cycle.Take me to a fresh new start.

I look down on this part of me, hoping that something will happen.
Anything, to move my heart again.

Who I am.

It's been awhile since I spoke about myself and my journey.
I guess I was enjoying my reconnect to self so much. :) It's ironic that I have ended up at the beginning. The child I was is now the adult.
I was always a strange duck. Quite introverted as a child.
very happy in my books,my drawings and playing fantasy games with my brother.

My Mother use to kick me out of the house as she was worried that I always had my nose in a book and wasn't engaging with other kids.

Not until my 20's did I become more social. Not because I had changed much just that I had found the key to being like everyone else....

drugs and alcohol.

When I drank, I was social, charming, engaging. When I smoked, I was comfortable in my own skin enough to play music for others
and to express myself as me. I didn't care that I didn't fit in or about what others thought.

Recently Lynx was home for 10 days. Haven't seen her in almost 2 years. It was so wonderful to reconnect.

We had one of our deep conversations in the tree house that I miss terribly and she asked me an interesting question.

What do I get from my relationship with Bella that I don't get from my relationships with woman?

It really wasn't that hard to answer. Unconditional love.
I have been involved with some amazing woman but I never felt they truly understood me. They needed me to be someone else. Someone more nurturing, more engaging than I was. There was an overall theme. I was too self absorbed and they felt left out of my life or I was unhappy with them.

Bella lets me be me. I yell at her sometimes cause her meowing drives me crazy. When I'm cranky, I shoo her away and she lets me be and lets me love her on my terms. She never gets offended or hurt and a few minutes later she's back to her old self.
Strangely this relationship hasn't given me insight into myself. She knows I love her. I shower her with affection. We have a regular cuddle time every evening and like most cats it lasts about 1/2 hr and she's off. lol It works. And because I am comfortable in this warm cocoon of give and take, I am happy and secure. We only demand from each other what we can give. No hurt feelings, no long talks about how I am not happy or not supportive etc,no guilt or being made to feel I'm failing my partner etc....

I am happy. I am me. Lynx suggested that there is someone out there that would accept me for who I am not. Remember the quote" You get more flies with sugar than salt?" That is me. If my heart is free to flourish at it's own pace, the more my partner receives from me. Love this chart.

In all that I have learned about myself and the peace I have found in my reconnection, there is still an emptiness. That place that belongs to her. I have daydreams, wishes of us reconnecting. Us both being happier people and being able to bring back what we have learned and accepted about ourselves....to each other.
I wish on a pretty daily bases that we were still together knowing what I know now. Wondering if we could accept and respect who we are without the drama and the angst. That we could love like we wanted....feel like we wanted....embrace being alive and happy.
Maybe it is a dream but dreams do come true. As always, I leave a light on in the kitchen in hopes she will reach out and say," Yes...she is ready".

My Last Love

I know you don't want to speak to me anymore,
It causes confusion and pain.
I know you are lonely and sad as
you miss me.... us....passion.
I know you miss our connection, our intimacy
and causes moments of great yearning and want.

I feel your pain everyday as I am still connected to every
emotion you feel.
Maybe I never loved you that deeply...the first love, hard to get over love
the love you feel you will never have again but I have had that first real love
and I know how you feel. I know how long it took to get over that pain.

but....

Maybe I didn't love you like you were my first love but I did love you like you were my last.
You were the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
You were the one, after 20 years of exiling love, I shared myself...yes my demons and my flaws
but...My love as well.

I opened my doors to you as much as I could. Doesn't that count? Didn't I give you what you wanted?
It never seemed enough. There was always angst, too much feeling, too much sensitivity, moodiness
just to much emotion? Just...too much.

I miss you everyday and think of you almost as much as I regret our distance.
You are my last love and you got away.

I may never see you again but the yearning will be with me forever.

Seepage of memories flow from my tongue like silk and wine.
Memories of split lips from wanting...wanting..
Memories of secret places and pussy's licked.
clamoring, never ending streams of film in my head...
fuck me...fuck me...only me...I want you to fuck me.
Tell me...whisper your pain, your lust..
I am rage...I am passion...I want to ripe you apart...
Anger seethes where love doesn't live anymore.
breath in and out, calm the beast, calm the yesterday of thoughts,
of tears of lust and regret.
Memories that flashback to you, the mirror of you, the last of you.

Just for her.

I am stronger now.
With a smile of irony on my lips,
I am now plagued by pain in my limbs as my heart becomes lighter.
Is this penance for a life filled with selfishness and indulgence?
Can not let thoughts of darkness cloud my light.
Nor allow regret poison my new found freedom.

I still read her though. Can't help myself. Such a glorious writer.
I wish she wrote more.
There is a spot in my heart that is evil. That is smug and happy that she is not.
We tortured each other with our prose. Still do I think.

It will never be over. Such a confusing flow of energy. An invisible cord
attached to us forever. There is no romance in that.

She never believed to this day, that I wanted her, that I loved her with all that I am.
Even in the dysfunction of our relationship, my blood pumped loudly for her.

My memory....my regret....every day there is a moment just for her.

There are claims of disillusionment,
my pulse tells me I'm alive but I don't live.
there are moments of pure sweet clarity
and it streams like water clean and cold.
I don't believe that what I have ...what I am...is no more flawed than any other.
Open the doors and let the light shine.
Cant begin to tell you how I feel.