That is what she said to me. Exact words are, " It's time to give it a rest". This is my blog and I want to VENT! You fucking Bitch! Drama Queen! If she read these words, she'd say I was abusive, or make some sort of sarcastic remark like, Nice to see the old P hasn't disappeared! The usual bullshit. If she only knew what people really thought about her. I was never that spiteful, to tell her what was said. She would have thought I was making it up or being cruel. ( and I would have been.that's why I've never told her what has been said about her. )
I have never solicited remarks or comments but have been surprised by the words coming from friends and people she knew! The only observation and remark I heard from my circle was once a friend witnessed her moods and said, is this normal behavior? I said yes and they said, a little over the top and I now have a small understanding of what you go through.It was the first validation that I got from someone outside of Trish and I and it felt....good.
I did believe for the longest time that everything that has gone wrong in this relationship has been my fault. Not only did I believe it, it was reinforced by Trish. She blames me for every unhappy moment we have shared. The arrogance does astound me.I remember when I had vented to a friend one day about Trish and I's tumultuous relationship, she suggested that Trish was the one that needed to grow up emotionally as well. That it's not all my fault. That it's unfair that I should shoulder all the blame and that she, created alot of unnecessary drama.
I could cite all kinds of wrongs but then I would be petty and if she ever reads this blog, it will just be another mark against me or her favorite saying is, "why are you with me if I'm so mean to you?"
This has been tiresome, controlling and so fucking sad. She doesn't look at herself. She points fingers at everyone else but not at herself. There is very little humility in her. She needs to be right at all costs.
Her beauty and sincerity. Her love and passion. Her compassion and joy are buried under another person and the real Trish, never stays out to long. She accuses me of being a perpetual 12 year old boy etc.... but she doesn't see the damage she has done, and she doesn't own it. She never owns her responsibility in all this because if she did, she would have to make changes and she doesn't want to do that.
Just for the record Trish, when you drink a bottle of.....ANYTHING, you will be hungover and depressed because that's what alcohol does to the brain. Check it out if you think I'm lying.
So of course the next day after drinking, she's depressed. EVERY fucking time. Does she see the pattern....NO... If she does, she ignores the reality because that's what she does. Just sayin....
I am no saint. I am insecure, controlling and absolutely need to grow up in certain areas of my life.I will listen if you have something constructive to say and it may take me a few times before I get it right but the bottom line is...I TRY!
I really do try but praise is not a regular thing in this relationship and I have been guilty of that on many occasions. I'm not proud of the fact that I had so much to learn and aspire to. I know she struggled with me but I TRIED and eventually there were some successes. Bravo Pauline! Your a work in progress. Congratulations and keep on moving forward....and I did make progress. I looked in the mirror and saw I needed to make changes and I worked on them.
She did nothing.
Never worked on her mood swings. Never tempered her sarcasm and hurtful comments. Made me feel small...that I wasn't good enough. Selfish. When I suggested on a few occasions we should get some help to sort out what we can't seem too, she wouldn't have anything to do with that! She believes that if your problems are so big that you can't sort it out on your own, then you shouldn't be together in the first place. Especially if you haven't been together long. Great words of wisdom from a flawed human being like the rest of us.
Our relationship isn't like most "normal" beginnings. It has been extremely difficult. So yes...I thought we could use a outside voice. A neutral observer that could help us sort out the crap.
I have never said I have all the answers and I know this blog tonight is all about venting but there is truth in all I have said. I love this woman very much. She has always felt it wasn't real between us but that is her stuff not mine. The madness and criticism and negativity from BOTH of us, has sucked everything good and descent and loving from every pore.
She hates it when I say "us", or "both" when I'm making a point about what is wrong in our relationship.I always thought we were a couple in distress and that it took both of us to create a positive or negative life together. I don't believe she ever saw us, as us. She was too messed up with Trish and I was too selfish. She needed to find herself and I wanted a partner. Simple..right?
FUCKING HURTS is what is wrong! The picture I put with this entry is a picture Trish has always associated with her journey with me into lesbian lovemaking. I know she would love this breakup to be clean and easy like it was with her Mikey but I'm sorry Trish, this is going to be messy and painful because real heartache is not clean and easy. All our memories of love and lovemaking. All our shared dreams and adventures, our history and all our romances and whispered words to each other are now over and that pain of lost .... will make it as real and as ugly as it gets. So fuck your messy free breakup!
