I dreamed of you......

I dreamed of you sitting at a desk, writing, with sheer white curtains blowing gently
from Mediterranean breezes through your window.
You were wearing a light cotton see through dress that barely hung from your shoulders,
leaving little to the imagination.
I, lounging in a over sized comfy couch, reading the latest Stephen King book
and my mind wandering to erotic places I haven't yet been with you.

You say that I am lazy, not interested but you don't know what I dream, what my reality is. Your mind is in dark and murky places...in past hurts... questioning if we have enough to be together...your moods roll like the waves of the sea and I can't reach you.
Life....this reality we live, is not what I dream of when I look into your eyes.

I asked for you. I dreamed of you. I still dream of you but this reality...this dream....almost makes it impossible to visit Venezuela with you. So many mistakes, so many transgressions, so many words that only say, "look at what you did to me!?" "See the scares you have inflicted on my heart? " You stole my dream!

Terrible things were said and done out of fear, out of pain, out of disappointment.

But I do remember you and the dream that is you.

Do you still want it?
Are your thoughts so clouded by what I am not and have forgotten what I can give you?
I still do dream of you...in those most erotic places of my mind.
By the sea, at the desk...your legs open for me to enter.

I remember the dream.

The Player

Count your blessings that you are not me.
I am the player, the rogue,
the possibility of finding happiness ....
is questionable.

I strut, I swagger, I blatantly stare and lust and when I am close to your ear,
I whisper what could be possible.Always in Character, always controlled, always alone.

I am the player. Too lazy, too Grey, to distant for emotional entanglements only wanting the fantasy,
the immediate heart pounding seconds that thrill, the conquest.

A player with only one agenda. To feel a hot wet pussy,to fulfill a woman desires and needs....her begging for release....and you give none...
its not your way.It's the tease you are addicted too. Its the dance of passion you live for. You are a slave to your own fantasy.

I am the player. I know no other way to be, to exist.
You ask for more, to take away the fantasy I have created and replace it with
What?
A life, a chance at a relationship, a chance at being real, just a chance.

I am the player, that has played myself out of time, out of wanting more, of
feeling what I need to feel, to love.

The player that stands alone and has no place to go.

The Dream

I love you...
Don't forget that.
You are my heart and my soul
but now.....we have to be apart.

I want to breath you in like I have never been able to.
I want to dance with you in the kitchen and
feel that you want all of me...even the ugly.

I want to make love to you in free abandon..
no demons...no constraints...
when you hug, breath deeply and embrace, cocoon in that warm place
love full, love hard baby...there is only one life.


I need you to embrace all of it....no more obligations
or reasons not to do...
I want reasons to do.

I want to save our money and travel...
I want to be the guilt ridden Catholic that I am,the worrier, the poet
and I want you to be the best tortured writer you can be
and watch you dance in the rain.

I love you
that will not change
but everything else must.

It May be Time

Pressing my face against the window,
mist from my breath fogs the glass.
A tear falls down my cheek,
as I trace a heart with your name in it.


I am a child again, lost and confused,
why am alone, why is my heart broken?
I don't want us to hurt each other anymore...
You haven't spoken to me....silent.


Posted a sign the other day,
I know I am difficult, aren't we all?
It's either all of me, or none of me.


The wall of history has divided us,
neither forgotten or forgiven.
No words between us can heal the wounds.


No matter how I love or cherish you,
you only see what I am not.
It may be time to say goodbye.

The ghosts of the past haunts.....
like circling vultures,
waiting for another opportunity to attack,
To destroy what is left.

I can't deny what I have contributed and
I cannot be any other person than who I am.
I am defined by my experiences...by my life...
as you are.

I touch the glass with my breath on it,
cool to the touch...
Drawing a line to the future...
The unknown....
It may be time to say goodbye.

What If

Your eyes sparkled the first time we meet
your chatter made me smile
when I first kissed you....I knew you
and when we made love, you fit me.

I knew you felt what I felt but
the reality swept in every time you had to leave
Even with Venezuela on the window and Michell
playing as the backdrop to our
love affair,
the pain cut deep


What if there was no where to rush too?
You never left me for him
What if you stayed in my bed after love making?
Your naked body next to mine...permanent.
What if you didn't have to wipe me away?
You never had to hide our sex
What if you stay with me...your choice?
Your lips on my lips.
What if you were free?

The knowledge that there could have been
a paralleled life to this one..
Another possible out come.....
it's maddening to think....

the poison is in the blood
the wounds have not healed
there was no chance for a future.

The Truth

It doesn't matter the reality of the situation.
It doesn't matter we can't seem to get it together.
It doesn't matter that we have analyzed, dissected, prodded and hurt each other to no end.
The truth is.....I have always ached for you and when you break up
with me time and time again, it rips my heart out every single time.
The truth is I feel so alone without you and have felt that way for quite some time.
I have always wanted and needed you but you have kept your emotional distance.

The truth is I ache for you right now and the emptiness is a dark hole.

Stayed to Long Part 2

I just reread my posting of 3 weeks ago and the Essence of the poem, "Stayed to Long" is just as powerful and true now as when I wrote it.
There is something inside of me that is not happy or satisfied with Trish. I don't know why I keep going back.I guess there is a big part of me that wants it to work so badly and for so many reasons that the truth that we don't make each other happy keeps getting shoved aside. We have had happy moments and we have pleased each other but it's always fleeting and inevitably we let each other down in very painful ways.

I watched a show on Oprah yesterday about men who had been sexually abused as children. I didn't think I could relate to the shows theme but the raw emotions and pain touched me very deeply. What I learned from the show has given me a clearer understanding about why I do what I do and that you have to let go of the bad to move forward. You have to create your own safe environment for yourself and your inner kid to be healthy. You have to stop beating yourself up for what you can't control.
I still feel like a failure and I will for awhile but this was an unhealthy relationship for me. I wanted to be heard, I wanted her to be what I wanted and I wanted to be happy.

There were so many wonderful qualities that attracted me to Trish but there were also qualities that weren't healthy for the type of person that I am. Even though a big part of me plays the role of a Boi, my heart is soft and feminine. I needed someone that communicated softer and was able to see pass the outer exterior and tread softly even when I couldn't. I saw the things that weren't good for me but because I was lonely and wanted a relationship so badly, I wore blinders. Now the blinders are off and I see what I didn't see then. It's not her fault, it's my responsibility to me to choose wisely. To be good to myself. To accept what I can not change and to accept the flaws in myself as well as in other people.
Somewhere inside of me I have an expectation of myself and others that is hard to live up to. I may live the rest of my life alone because of those expectations.

Thanks to Trish and this relationship, I will not enter another relationship with someone with rose colored glasses. It's not fair to me and definitely not fair to someone else.

I think the one great quality that brought me back time and time again was Trish's heart. When her guard was down and she wasn't distant and tough and I was able to touch her in her soft places, that connection was what held me to her. I just wish she had been strong enough to stay in that place when I wasn't. I needed her to be the soft rock, port or whatever you want to call it. I needed her to understand me and my inconsistencies and as much as I complained, I also sang her praises. I am not an easy person to be with and I know it but if I get what I want, I give you what you need. Sadly, that never happened.