For Me

I have put myself in a relationship that doesnt feed my soul.
I have put myself in a relationship that is reminisent of how my family has treated
me my whole life.
Self rightous, arrogant, mean spirited people who have moments of generousity and light but it's all smoke and mirrors really.

I attracted selfishnes and meanness to me because I am selfish and mean too? I don't know the answer but I do know that I don't want to repeat this cycle yet again. I have to find a way to be happy for me, to attract light to me. If I am happy, it stands to reason I will attract happy! Its comfortable in a weird way, these type of relationships because they are what I know but they don't create and nurture real growth and lighten my soul. I feel inadequate and unfullfilled by my own decisions to be in this place. Instead of seeing this as a fault, I need to see my life and my experiences with my eyes wide open and truly change my course.

I am the master of my destiny and the health of my heart and soul. Love thy self Pauline and all will come to you.

The 99% Speaks: Occupy Camps Receives Eviction Threat

The 99% Speaks: Occupy Camps Receives Eviction Threat: The municpal officials have announced their plan to evict the demonstrators of the occupy camps that have not been legally permitted to set ...

Fuck it!

She did it to me again. I am a fool to think she wouldnt. I came back this time because ....
I still loved her I guess.Still wanting to try. She accuses me often of being selfish and a loner but all I have done, all the changes I have gone through and the little things I do...for her...are not the acts of someone that is selfish.

I am a bully sometimes, controlling, most assuredly but I have never not loved her, helped her and tried to keep her safe.She has slapped me in the face yet again.
Blames me for her unhappiness and her inability to get her life together. Maybe for her, leaving me is best. She blames, blames...blames.

She can't seem to function around me. If this is all my fault, then so be it.

No more girlfriends and relationships. If I am all that is negative according to her and not the type of personality that does well in a love relationship, then an island I will stay. Fuck this love shit!

What an odd place to be in.
I am moving forward but not in a direction I thought I would. I am in love with a woman, whom I've been in a tumultous relationship for three years and it has ended. It was a rollercoaster ride that never seemed to find its roots.
I know now why and I also know that if we tried yet again, the same problems would continue.

We just see things differently and come at relationships from different perspectives.
Something Trish said to me the other day has haunted me and caused me to stop and really look at myself and my interaction with her and with other people in my life.

I am an island onto me. I am so self efficient and controlling I appear not to need anyone! The loner. Unable to freely give of myself and think of someone else first.


I've thought about that for days now. I do know that when I am in love and feel I am the center of the universe in that persons life that I will be more emotionally available than anywhere else in my life. In this relationship, I never trusted it from the beginning. As much as I wanted to put the past away and clear our slate as a couple and do a " Do Over", I never trusted. The damage was in an area of my heart and mind that not only had been damaged so badly in my youth but the wounds were revisted and reopened on an on going bases. The pain, rejection, abandoment was as real today as it was as a young child. I felt and tasted the fear and anxiety. Everytime Trish broke up with me, I revisted that cold sweat.

I also set Trish off. Putting her threw a variety of hoops to see if she was worthy of me and my love. Of course, like every other woman in my life including my mother, it was always a let down. No one was going to be able to live up to the expectations and judgements i had in place. They were destined to fail.

I created an enviroment of control and manipulation and pushed Trish down.

to be continued....

A Poem of sorrow to Trish

I have become ugly from all that has happened.
Anger fuels my words and cruelty and I speak in daggers and pain.
I wanted you. I wanted the promise of you. The dreams shared...
I only feel bitterness and anger like I have never felt before.

It has gone horribly wrong and what should have been my love of a lifetime,
is now, terrible heartache and shattered kisses.

How we have hurt each other. How we have killed off our love, The dream of Trish and Pauline will now be like many others before us...dead from disallusionment and disappointment.

We have given back the things that we put in each others homes. House keys exchanged, bitter words hang in the air and what words said in love... of passion... a great tenderness of heart and souls so intense and gentle love making will now become memories.
sorrow,regret fills the air....
The dream replaced by shame....my shame of what I allowed to happen and who I became...the worst of myself.

To inflict such pain on the person I loved, that I professed such devotion..given so much of myself and opened my heart too...all that we shared in our private moments and now....I can't share a kind word for my heart it is filled with blackness...
I am down a deep well.
There will never be enough sorries to wash away my sins. I will never hurt you, us again....my love, my Trish.

Loneliness

As she walks closer looking for the one she lost,
The pond appears clear and tepid.
Enclosed by lush trees,the sun filters
through the branches as separate beams of God...

She squats down, her reflection mirrored in the still water
sad...searching, wanting behind her eyes.
Her fingers touch the water ever so lightly and
ripples expand outward slowly...away from her.
Her tears falling from her eyes into the pond add to the rippling and a continual dance begins.

Her loneliness is paletable to her...she feels it all around
as she wraps her arms around herself.
Nothing has changed...she is alone...still.

It's a dull thud in my heart now.
Finally disillusioned
All promise forgotten and swept under my memories
A love unattainable...a dream unfulfilled.

I don't understand the cruelty of the winds
to have been so close and yet....

Eventually the truth will be unveiled but for now..
I walk and breath in the shadow of what was promised
but not walked upon.

Bitterness and steel are in my heart now.
Protective shields for healing.
I lay a flower at the foot of our grave...
a dream lost...goodbye my love.