I am sorry

I havnt written here for awhile.

 I write when you write.

 That hasnt changed....you have always been my muse.

 I an sorry I hurt you.

 I am sorry that my internal darkness, anger and dissatisfaction with life, hurt you. 

I am sorry I couldn't love you the way you wanted...the way I should have.

 I am sorry I picked on you, belittled you.....bulled you. There are no excuses.

 I saw this ugliness...this THING in my brother, my mother, father.... I don't know why we love this way. I don't know why we were so broken... I am not proud of it. It makes me ashamed. With all the therapy I've been through, I still cant seem to.... Get it right!

 No matter what you may think, no matter how I treated you, no matter what I DID'NT say, or what I should have said and done.... I did love you....deeply...with everything I had but.... I guess.... there are some traumas, there are some events, there are some memories, there are some scars that never lessen.... that define you. 

I apologize for how I treated you even when I thought my needs weren't being met, when I felt small and weak. 

I should have talked more, lashed out less.

 It's good your moving on. It's good you have someone in your life that is....kind.

 I've always aspired to that and fell short.... 

 I will still think about you now and again because you were, even in my darkest place, the woman who reached me.

 Touched my tortured heart.... kissed the damage ...never gave up... who gave so much.

 If I had one request for you.....Please write your book! Such a great writer! I've told you that from the very beginning...write....and if you have it in your heart, Please let me peak into your mind every now and again....leave coming out crooked open?

 I may not have what it takes to be what you need but to be perfectly honest, you have been my voice, my mirror... To do better....to be better... and you were what I needed even If I didn't know it.

  I am Sorry

Lock and Key

The door so big and thick…. the cobwebs tell me I've been here for awhile…. Gulping the fresh air through the key hole… Such small breaths…just keeping myself barely alive. My jailer checks on me now and again… "Are you still alive", he asks? Barely I whisper….. I am weak and forgotten. When the door opens every now and again, I see light and out of reflex cower into a dark corner but now someone else appears… a warm and inviting pressence reach's out to me.. I sense her presence, her peace … I touch her hand, I feel such warmth, such love and I cower… for I do not know what this is.. I'm afraid… it's been so long since love has opened the door. She puts a key in my hand and gently closes it. She looks deeply into my heart… "When your ready…no rush… but soon. You have always been able to open the door". " It is your choice and no one elses. "You have the power to free yourself". She leaves and the door closes. I hear the tumbler as the door is locked by my jailer. I crawl to the key hole and take a bigger breath and now it begins.

Isn't enough

My heart touched your heart again and my heart skipped a beat. 

 Isn't it strange that there are certain moments that bring you right there again.. as if you never left!

 Thoughts all burst in on each other as memories bombard me.

 What if scenario's start popping up again...wishing... 

The darker part of my nature knows better. 

I haven't changed...I wish... I wish I could let go and be someone else but I am ...no one else.

 I have loved you so very deeply and you are always in my thoughts. My fear of the past, my fear of the future all converge. I think about the damage and the pain that was inflicted... I think about neither one of us giving an inch to be better... to be easier on each other...words flew around the room like on fire.. peace was always allusive, infrequent and yet....

I guess...there is still always... a wish...a want...a desire...for you....and only you. I could just be living in my head again. It's what I do. I have always had a lovely dream of you and I...

 but was never able to bring it to fruition.

 Maybe it was just to much work....one of us had to change, to adapt, be grounded. It just never happened so now...we both yearn for something from the other... 

Sometimes....sometimes...love just isn't enough or is it?

Dance floor Extasy

Listening to Lil Louis- French Kiss....The heart thumping beat of sex. Transported to my youth...to sweat and crowded dance floors... The aroma of amonia lingers in the air from sniffed poppers.. Half dressed gay men in all their muscular glory... Our combined animal heat permeates the dance floor... The DJ brings us higher...we all jump in unison...some interlocked in sexually extasy... Grinding on strangers ...mixing our sweat, the passion... I'm soaked...sweat drips in rivers from my face....pure joy, extasy...I reach higher... No shame...no judges....pure freedom! She crosses the floor and looks into my eyes... I grab her...turn her back to me and we become the beat of sex... We meld together... arms intertwine ...pushing myself into her with every beat... I'm no longer here....every cell of my body is transported....mixed with hers... We move together in the heat...the beats...the lust in every note... our tribes... our ancestors connect us. She disapears into the crowd as Jungle beats and the crowd become one.... A pulsing orgasm that never stops...

The sweet taste of you

The Pitter Patter of rain on my forehead, I lift my head and stick my tongue out, She tastes sweet. I have had strange dreams of late... I have always dreamed of the faceless woman...she has been with me since my youth. I know her...I have always known her but... this time...the intimacy is more... she smiles with her eyes and is so peacful...she is home... I have never been able to feel content, she is. I have never been able to truly love, she can. When I wake I need her so badly I ache. It's always the same..that ache. She fills me with peace and love and I crave her when I wake.... but alway, always out of reach. The pitter patter of rain washes over me and I taste her. I love her so much and I lift and stretch my arm out, I move my fingers to her.... just out of my reach. I know if I can just touch her just once, I will soar and fly to the highest point with out fear, with love and peace I know it can happen....she has always been with me, the sweet taste of my dreams.

don't feel unhappy or discontent
I am now starting to realize my purpose.
Family has come back into my life...
I am here for my brother.
He needs my strength and my love.
So many years have gone by and it is like yesterday that we have spoken.
I don't feel small anymore.
I don't feel invisible.
I feel love.
He needs me and it's time I step up.

The Ghost

Cleaning my house and you are on my mind,
Listening to music and you are on my mind....
Doesn't matter what I do, you are here...like a ghost.

What the Fuck!
I am over you, yet,...you are following me around...
I feel you....
I am being haunted by your energy....
It's the good things that move through me today...
Your body swaying to the music of Maysa...
Your piercing eyes....
your touch...your lips....
your incessant need to fill a room...


I have a random playlist playing in the background as I write
and Maysa comes on but not just any Maysa song....it's our song....
Inseparable...
I am possessed by you today and as I'm writing this, you send an email and text out of the blue...
You miss me and again I say..what the fuck??