Large brown eyes that said come play with me in innocents and wonder…
Of limbs and lips, of sexual dances by moonlight waters we had seen, breathed and belonged too.
Of songs sung and written in joy
Drunken stories by campfires
friends made. bonded for life.

time would pass through an hourglass….
Our eyes would meet on occasion and we were drawn to the child in each other’s souls, our oceans of friendship as if never forgotten
You are the mother of calm shores and even in my turbulence, you saw me and smiled.
Mother, daughter lover …you in a place of peace and love.
Even now when our eyes meet, we are drawn to the oceans of surf that laps our souls…
Smile and remember, we always find each other
for ours is a place of watery dreams of mermaids
a secret club some may say…and Poseidon rules our hearts

A Dream Within A Dream

Take this kiss upon the brow!
And, in parting from you now,
Thus much let me avow--
You are not wrong, who deem
That my days have been a dream;
Yet if hope has flown away
In a night, or in a day,
In a vision, or in none,
Is it therefore the less gone?
All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.

I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore,
And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand--
How few! yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep,
While I weep--while I weep!
O God! can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
O God! can I not save
One from the pitiless wave?
Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?

Edgar Allen Poe

Every thing changes but I stood still.
Hidden in my cocoon of safety, sameness and boredom.
I wonder why I felt the weight of a life unfulfilled?

There is so much to do still. So many things I have not done and want to do.
Walking in circles instead of a straight line seems like a pointless exercise but maybe...
maybe walking in a circle was where I needed to be for awhile. It did have it's good moments...
I've watched so much TV that I don't believe I will miss it.
I'm reading again...writing again even if it's to say, I'm writing again!"
I'm listening to people...seeing them...really seeing them!

My cat stares at me expecting attention. She loves me like cat's do.
Sigh...it aint all that bad.

Colors

I remember shades of love,
Its sweet yellows and greens,
Reds and blues of arms and legs entwined.

I miss the kaleidoscope of us...
I miss the messy mess and the clearest sky's of love.

Every shade from the blackest black to the whitest white, changed me forever.

The scent of you, the color of your skin, the delicious taste of your lips,
changed the rainbow of my heart.

Maybe I dream too much...
Want too much...
Love too much...but i am all the colors of my heart.

Every Single Day

Exhaustion flows through me,
perpetually tired...annoyed...
I feel my mother inside me...oozing
unhappiness...
I try so hard to pull out of the depth of it.
everyday its a struggle to live..
Lack of interest...lack of energy...

Being pulled down by an invisible cord and every single day
I pull up just enough...to see over the edge
Every single day that demon, that ugly putrid blackness entices me.

Stay here in the black...stay here with us and let us swallow you up whole.
Melt into the bleak, swim in the ocean of monsters and grey skies.
Why try anymore? Isn't it better with us? No more worry or doubt.
No more struggle.......
No more broken hearts and dreams.

Let go, it would be so much easier.

And.................Every Single day I find a reason not too.

58

Today is my birthday.

No fanfare....no one to share it with.

As I get older my circle of people has changed.

Today will be spent doing errands and maybe a matinee film.

I'm not sure if it is me that has chosen this life of solitude more out of disillusionment with the

human race in general or:

That I don't want to be disappointed anymore.
That I don't want my heart to be broken anymore
or that people just don't see me as a priority in their lives because I don't make them mine?

Or its just to much work and I don't care about the work.

Everyone is busy. Everyone has no time. What happen too time?

When did friendships become about not enough time?

It's to costly or I have other priorities and I can't just drop them to spend time with you.

or now you are reaching out because its your birthday!

Yes....I'm not good at maintaining. It doesn't mean I don't love my extended family.

It's the exact opposite but....I guess I'm not good at the reaching out part but when my Friends want to see me,

I usually make the time unless it's just to unreasonable or not doable at that time.

I will never be the maintainer. I need my friends to reach out...I need their contact.

I just do things....differently and I love them all deeply.

So as another year clicks into place and my 58th year on this planet unfolds, I wonder about my life,

my changing needs, desires and fulfillment's. Should I say I need them more? Maybe I just simply don't ask for what I need

and that...has to change as well.

weight of Depression

When was the last time I saw beauty around me?
When I wasn't so punishing to myself...or shut off from the world?

I fear I am my mothers daughter.
I wallow in fear and have lost my sense of adventure.

It's brutal trying to motivate myself to engage with the world.
It's one small step at a time...


Cramped inside this mortal shell,
dark and warm and safe...
I keep the world out....my friends at a distance...
always discussing, negotiating in my head, day after day....what I will do next.
Tomorrow will be a better day....tomorrow...I will wipe the slate clean...
Tomorrow I start over from scratch...all good intentions ...
Be kinder to myself...don't stuff food in those empty places...find my happy..
and every day I feel I have failed....every day...is just as hard as the last.

I sometimes wonder how much longer will I continue this?

When will I finally say its enough!?

Hamster in a wheel....every day I say tomorrow is a new day...I can create the change I seek.

Everyday....I fail.

No one sees this daily struggle. Would anyone truly miss me if I choose to leave?

Would I have left an impression on this world...on the people around me?

Did I make any fucking difference?