New Years 2016

do you remember who you are?
I am glorious in all my imperfections.
lights and whistles bring in a New Year and it is a license
to start fresh and anew.

Everyone struggles...
We share a universal disease,
the human condition.

No resolutions as this word implies there is something wrong in my life.

There is no wrong...only change...only a journey that is on going...

So this year I promise myself to be kinder.....
To cherish my friends more....
To give more....
To laugh much more...
and to keep dreaming.

From dreams, the improbable is possible.

Words Fail...

I have had writers block since you wrote me.
How can I write when the words fail me?
Can't seem to express...anything.
I go through my days as if I am looking through a one way mirror,
Lost in thought....lost in memories and some bitterness.

It didn't have to be this way. I could have said something different.
Could have said so may things but in the end....
I just didn't.
What was the point?

I knew it was over, even when my lips touched yours
and my hands moved over familiar passions....
Familiar feelings....
Familiar love.

I wept as I watched you leave because in my heart, I sensed it was the last time...
My heart ached for days later because I didn't say what I so desperately wanted to say.

Now I can write because the words don't fail me anymore.

At first I wanted to tear you down,
I wanted to hurt you so badly for how I felt...
but to what end?

It has taken me a week to write this poem and even now....
I don't know what to say that will make me feel...
closure...release..?

I have not found peace from this.

You know

Oh I miss the lips that electrify mine,
The pull and tug on my nipples,
The scars that I trace with my finger tips...
I remember all that is beautiful about you.

The ease of conversation and words and lust and romance
the peace was sweet and gentle

Then you left and I felt that pain of separation.
No other has ever made me feel the way you make me feel....
There has been little conversation since you left, as we both know it will elicit pain

Sleep is elusive...I am up at 4 am laundering my sheets to remove
your scent.
hoping it will ease what I feel but I remember whispering to you
"You are my heart" and your answer back....
Sweet tears of want fall from my eyes.
I remember all that is beautiful about you.

I need to write this or I will never sleep again...my love
My ode to you...my heart speaks to your heart....
you know all that I know....
I will not write of this again....

I'm Sorry

https://youtu.be/YQHsXMglC9A

Ghosts

Asleep in my bed caught in between awake and asleep,

a mist moves slowly in through my window and swirls around my head.

Memories are awoken and I can smell you so close...I can touch you.

I feel lips on mine ever so gentle and eyes that I remember from long ago,

pierce mine.

Your body lowers...I can feel your heat....your heart beat...so palatable...

I resist the urge to speak....to touch... as I know this apparition is not real...I must be dreaming

then as quickly as the mist appeared...it is gone and I am alone.

A lone tear escapes my eye as I fall back into a deep sleep.

Maybe...

Your not over her.
That is what she repeated when I wouldn't be the woman that she wanted.
Emotionally distant and cold were regular verbs in our discussions.
I will never fall in love with her because my heart belong to my Ex.

Mmmm...



She represented everything I wanted.
Financially stable, grounded in who she was, funny, attractive, smart etc...
but she wasn't her?

Maybe...but...

She was also demanding and insecure and spoiled...lol


So young and old at the same time...

Maybe I'm not over my "Ex"...such a strange word that falls from my lips

or maybe Im not meant to love her...

Maybe she was my transition...

Maybe....

Or maybe she was right all along.

Karma is a bitch.

Morning Tide

It is undeniable that my heart is torn.
I don't remember a time when it wasn't...
I am never settled in my needs and wants
my emotions flow and ebb like the tide at dawn.
it does make it difficult to settle in one place ...to make permanent decisions.

I know who I am but the knowing doesn't always mean it is easy.
One day I feel this way the next...so easily changed.
I still thing of you, you know...I still think of all the others I have loved and lost.
An endless stream of memories that haunt my early mornings of insomnia.

Aging has become a book of daily memories.
I worry that life is never enough....and I will be alone always
I blame others for my dissatisfaction...I blame others that life doesn't fit.

I am happy but...like the morning tide, that changes daily. My feelings ebb and flow...
Reflection and melancholy are like old friends that come to visit now and again just to let
me know that yes....sometimes...most times...life is never enough.

I always need...want...more.

There is a strange sort of comfort in sitting by the shore...by knowing where it comes from...
by knowing this about myself....

As I write these words, others...friends, people I have loved and love now,
may read this entry and say, " That is why! I always wanted to know if there was anything else I could have done?"

The answer is no....it was never you.

The tide always moves in and engulfs my heart and mind and takes me out to sea.