Fear and Love

Fears float around me, through me.
How can I trust a universe so fickle.
I understand that I have to take it on faith and put fear and anxiety aside to live.

I feel so deeply and hurt so hard.
If I settle into a nice cozy cocoon and allow love to warm me to envelope me...
experience has taught me, rugs do get pulled out from under you.

No one is forever, no one really tells the truth..
You say you love me till something better, newer comes along?

but....

You are always here, no matter what I throw at you...
You have always seen me...seen through my fears and doubts...
I am amazed at your fortitude...stubborness?
Your strength of love...yes....you love me...despite my anxiety...difficulty


What is it you see...that brings you back everytime?
Only you can reach into me...
you change me a littel more...and more...fearing less...trusting as my love deepens, settles.


I stand on a staircase and step on each rung one slow step at a time.
because of you....
There will always be a nagging voice saying ya...but when you get too comfortable, she will leave you.

Maybe...but what if she doesnt?

What if she really really wants you? What if there is happy in love?

When all is said and done and I question to death, love, trust, fear...you are always in front of me..
loving me, your eyes see me and express how deeply you feel for me.

You are the one and that I do trust.

Water on Glass

Your kisses are like water on glass
I fall into you..like Alice down the rabbit hole.
you take me away from here as my hands caress your skin and your dancing eyes watch my every move.
Wet....my lips touch yours...like water on glass...

Breathe you in deeply, listen to your sighs as my fingers reach in

wet....

the heat...

I feel your heart pound, your lips thicken...wet..water on glass


I found you again...it has always been you....

water...slippery smooth water....warm, gentle

in my ears,the rush ...my heart pounds for you


Only You.

Insecure

Everybody feels a little insecure sometime.

Everybody battles the fear inside

of failing,of not being loved

of the pain of the past.

I guess your suppose to learn something about yourself and find your inner strength but
I feel so weak sometimes and unsure.


A few words here and there could make all the difference but you cant write the script
for the ones you love.

You cant tell them what to say to make the demons go away.

That feeling I get in the pit of my stomach when I get scared or when my fearful emotions

are not feed..... my anxiety, my unhappiness is a starvation of my soul, my damaged heart.

I have to find a way to leave myself and breathe it away.



ya...breathe it away.

Ode to P

My time is spent between what I want and what I need. Daydreams of love and what I desire are conflicted with reality and need. My dreams are filled with soft lips and smooth skin but my heart oh my weary heart.... tired and beaten by months and years of expectations, perfection and control. I am tired of my quest for perfection. It is time to allow life to be flawed, uncontrolled and needs, not expectations to be met. Long walks on the beach....slow kisses that go on forever...conversations of life, laughter and intimate desires should come to the front and breathed in very deeply. Always breath...say I love you everyday in my mirror...tell my little girl she is beautiful. She is.

The beginning.

The fog is lifting. warms winds stir my soul.
Sweet taste of life on my lips.
I smell sweetness again.

There is so much more than this...take a deep breathe
and let it out slowly...extasy

The mirror is me..I am listening again.

I remember her, that sweet child that was buried under hell

The mess she has spent a lifetime digging through, sorting through...fighting through.

I am told it is time for forgiveness, love and happiness.

A new journey has begun.

Planning and containment

I have given it my all.
Thickness around my heart...didnt plan for this!
Trying to keep it together and contain myself.

I'm walking through my life and not seeing clearly
whats around.
Everything is foggy.

Push forward....forget..ya...that's what I'll do.
It's not my fault she says.

Then why has this happened?

Move forward...plan, contain, don't think too much.
Don't feel....live in a bubble. I do that well!
So many questions, so few answers, i am falling away.

Will it be such a messy life..always?

For Me

I have put myself in a relationship that doesnt feed my soul.
I have put myself in a relationship that is reminisent of how my family has treated
me my whole life.
Self rightous, arrogant, mean spirited people who have moments of generousity and light but it's all smoke and mirrors really.

I attracted selfishnes and meanness to me because I am selfish and mean too? I don't know the answer but I do know that I don't want to repeat this cycle yet again. I have to find a way to be happy for me, to attract light to me. If I am happy, it stands to reason I will attract happy! Its comfortable in a weird way, these type of relationships because they are what I know but they don't create and nurture real growth and lighten my soul. I feel inadequate and unfullfilled by my own decisions to be in this place. Instead of seeing this as a fault, I need to see my life and my experiences with my eyes wide open and truly change my course.

I am the master of my destiny and the health of my heart and soul. Love thy self Pauline and all will come to you.