Morning Tide

It is undeniable that my heart is torn.
I don't remember a time when it wasn't...
I am never settled in my needs and wants
my emotions flow and ebb like the tide at dawn.
it does make it difficult to settle in one place ...to make permanent decisions.

I know who I am but the knowing doesn't always mean it is easy.
One day I feel this way the next...so easily changed.
I still thing of you, you know...I still think of all the others I have loved and lost.
An endless stream of memories that haunt my early mornings of insomnia.

Aging has become a book of daily memories.
I worry that life is never enough....and I will be alone always
I blame others for my dissatisfaction...I blame others that life doesn't fit.

I am happy but...like the morning tide, that changes daily. My feelings ebb and flow...
Reflection and melancholy are like old friends that come to visit now and again just to let
me know that yes....sometimes...most times...life is never enough.

I always need...want...more.

There is a strange sort of comfort in sitting by the shore...by knowing where it comes from...
by knowing this about myself....

As I write these words, others...friends, people I have loved and love now,
may read this entry and say, " That is why! I always wanted to know if there was anything else I could have done?"

The answer is no....it was never you.

The tide always moves in and engulfs my heart and mind and takes me out to sea.

The Reinvention of P

There is a renewed strength in me.
I no longer accept what is not right for me.
I no longer will accept complications
I will no longer accept less than what I deserve to fill my heart,...what I want.

I stand up for the healthy confident me.
Single again because I will not accept less than what I deserve.

It's frustrating at times but liberating as well.
It only took a few months this time to realize, toxic doesn't work anymore.
Manipulation of words....manipulation of me to fit someone elses ideal...doesn't work anymore.

This is me. All of my baggage...all of my strengths...simplified in this one moment.

aah...sigh.

No more waiting

Now that I am free of what ifs...of hope that you will return,

I am at peace.

You were never going to come back to me in this lifetime.

Trust was broken, feelings hurt and words...words...words.

So many words, in so may ways but no true direction.

Tell me what you feel...you finally did but in so many words.

You are a turtle in everything you do.

Infuriating.

You just should have come back to me dammit!

Fuck the trust issues! Fuck our history. I told you I wanted you back... you loved me...

and yet....

you stayed away.

That is your fault not mine.

You waited too long. I can't wait anymore.

I'm not in Love

Finally I am free from the past...

Free within myself...confident...

I am not chained anymore to love...

Fucking for release.... fun...fucking from my naked self, for my freedom.


No one will make me feel guilty for wanting no attachments.

No one will have my heart for awhile...

My heart only belonged to her and now.....

It's mine again.

“I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chatted all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow;
And ne’er a word said she;
But, oh! The things I learned from her,
When Sorrow walked with me.”
― Robert Browning Hamilton
John Bauer (1882-1918) - Flora 1915

The first Date

I went on my firs date after 7 years of not being out there.

She was lovely...smart...grounded....had a great job...money and she is truly happy with herself and....she wasn't you.

went to her place on a second date and she tried to get close to me... I flinched...she knew it was a mistake.

I ran inside myself.

She reached out today and told me she knew what happened....that she knew she had moved on me too fast.

She's patient. ..caring...and she's not you.

she lives in our old neighborhood.

Shops in the places we shopped.

It was weird going to her place...it was one street over from ours.

Our memories...

She was what I wanted.

I threw it out to the universe and it granted my request and I feel nothing for her.

I only felt you.

I am poisoned.

A Chronic Case of Pain

I didn't think she could still bring tears to my eyes, to anger, to sadness.
I thought I was over all that.

Our relationship had shifted to a happier, friendlier place. We were able to speak to each other without
inflicting pain, without drama. With ease and compassion our language had changed.
Peace at last.

She spoke of marriage to another. That's all it took. No fault. Just conveying what had happened, how she felt.
I was taken from my comfortable place and stripped of my armor.
I thought I was over all that.

I sat nub at the news...staring into space. I don't know why I was so surprised. Kate is good to her.
She treats her like a queen and spoils her like a lover should. Why am I so stunned by the news?
It was bound to happen. A profound sense of failure on my part.
I thought I was over that.

She took her to Paris. Not our Paris but Kate is willing to carry the dream that she and I had carried.
There always seems to be a small stab to the heart. That I was unable to be more than myself.
Not sure why I am still open to this chronic pain when it comes to her.
I thought I was over that.

She did say no. Not ready she said. She still pines for me as I for her.
Thought I was over that too.