I miss

There are times I miss you and then I remember the drama....
I see pictures pop up on Facebook of you and I and I remember the happy times
but they were infrequent and I had to be careful of what I said so I didn't burst the bubble.
I do miss you but I miss more of what could have been
I know I'm not easy...God I know!.... but neither were you.
I have been down a rabbit hole since I left you.
But I've always been there, it's just gotten deeper.
I don't know where I went?

I've stopped being me.
I was asked recently if I had any hobbies and realized, I've dropped them one by one over time.

I miss me....where did I go?
It isn't just about lack of money...
Not being able to have the relationships I want...
I was told recently that I don't think I'm worthy and this is why I am not fulfilled
I've been told this before and it is a truth but I've done nothing about it.

What is wrong with me that I don't want more for myself?
I've seen so many counsellors over the years and I hear what they sell but my fear keeps me
cemented where I am.
Was I always this way?
Drugs and alcohol masked it for years.
I miss my moments of happiness....
I miss my need for adventure...
I miss my friends and connections
I miss life.

I Regret

I regret I lost you too when our mother Died....Lost you long before then I think...just another nail in the coffin,
Don't you love the irony?


Remember the hours we spent together as children?
Playing, laughing talking and yes....fighting but we always found a way to come back to each other.

We became strangers at some point.Language sharp cruel Mean....

Crashed through a pane of glass in a drunken haze one night, blood everywhere...I remember your face when you were called to pick up the pieces of me.
You sat by my bed all night at the hospital...worried....angry...oh so angry.... was it then the disappointment was cemented?

I did it again didn't I? Made it all about me.Scared little girl, trapped in her torment, instead of being responsible and committed to your protection.
I feared your judgment that look in your eyes...
Disappointment one after another.....


I know why..you resented me.....
Your hatred was palatable and why not?
What did the woman in your life ever teach you?
We tortured your soul and crippled your love...always a let down...all alone
warped how you saw woman...

It's been so long now...

Can't turn back time...only can ask for forgiveness...

Midnight Special

Remember wolfman Jack and the Midnight special?
Tom Jones Gyrating on your TV screen....watched him dance...learned his moves
So young, always moving....learning
only remember memories loosely..feelings stay with me like shadows
Why don't I remember more of my past?
I remember photo clips of my life ...
click of the shutter, I remember her skin....his tongue
click....rough hands...boundary's crossed...couldn't say no....
click.....a moment of overwhelming shame...guilt...only did what I wanted
fuck the consequences....who I hurt
Click of the shutter button and 30 years later, my world is now a box
of same old, routines...excuses to not live...to not soar.
Is this what happens when you feel your life never had a purpose?
Click...clubs...dancing all night...such joy, freedom!
Click....eating junk food on weekends and watching movies...stuck in self pity and fatigue.
Click...Oh the kisses....the deep for hour kisses even before a hand cupped a breast..
I loved to feel their breath on my breath....my hands moving, feeling their soft skin...
making them ache to be touched where they are so wet...
Click....looking in the mirror...don't know who it is looking back at me now,
a shadow of that girl, that cocky boi....
I've lost her along the way to the couch,to the job, to the killer of dreams, routine.
I do remember this wasn't what I thought my life would be.
I thought it would have been more of a Midnight Special.

Large brown eyes that said come play with me in innocents and wonder…
Of limbs and lips, of sexual dances by moonlight waters we had seen, breathed and belonged too.
Of songs sung and written in joy
Drunken stories by campfires
friends made. bonded for life.

time would pass through an hourglass….
Our eyes would meet on occasion and we were drawn to the child in each other’s souls, our oceans of friendship as if never forgotten
You are the mother of calm shores and even in my turbulence, you saw me and smiled.
Mother, daughter lover …you in a place of peace and love.
Even now when our eyes meet, we are drawn to the oceans of surf that laps our souls…
Smile and remember, we always find each other
for ours is a place of watery dreams of mermaids
a secret club some may say…and Poseidon rules our hearts

A Dream Within A Dream

Take this kiss upon the brow!
And, in parting from you now,
Thus much let me avow--
You are not wrong, who deem
That my days have been a dream;
Yet if hope has flown away
In a night, or in a day,
In a vision, or in none,
Is it therefore the less gone?
All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.

I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore,
And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand--
How few! yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep,
While I weep--while I weep!
O God! can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
O God! can I not save
One from the pitiless wave?
Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?

Edgar Allen Poe

Every thing changes but I stood still.
Hidden in my cocoon of safety, sameness and boredom.
I wonder why I felt the weight of a life unfulfilled?

There is so much to do still. So many things I have not done and want to do.
Walking in circles instead of a straight line seems like a pointless exercise but maybe...
maybe walking in a circle was where I needed to be for awhile. It did have it's good moments...
I've watched so much TV that I don't believe I will miss it.
I'm reading again...writing again even if it's to say, I'm writing again!"
I'm listening to people...seeing them...really seeing them!

My cat stares at me expecting attention. She loves me like cat's do.
Sigh...it aint all that bad.

Colors

I remember shades of love,
Its sweet yellows and greens,
Reds and blues of arms and legs entwined.

I miss the kaleidoscope of us...
I miss the messy mess and the clearest sky's of love.

Every shade from the blackest black to the whitest white, changed me forever.

The scent of you, the color of your skin, the delicious taste of your lips,
changed the rainbow of my heart.

Maybe I dream too much...
Want too much...
Love too much...but i am all the colors of my heart.