Insecure

Everybody feels a little insecure sometime.

Everybody battles the fear inside

of failing,of not being loved

of the pain of the past.

I guess your suppose to learn something about yourself and find your inner strength but
I feel so weak sometimes and unsure.


A few words here and there could make all the difference but you cant write the script
for the ones you love.

You cant tell them what to say to make the demons go away.

That feeling I get in the pit of my stomach when I get scared or when my fearful emotions

are not feed..... my anxiety, my unhappiness is a starvation of my soul, my damaged heart.

I have to find a way to leave myself and breathe it away.



ya...breathe it away.

Ode to P

My time is spent between what I want and what I need. Daydreams of love and what I desire are conflicted with reality and need. My dreams are filled with soft lips and smooth skin but my heart oh my weary heart.... tired and beaten by months and years of expectations, perfection and control. I am tired of my quest for perfection. It is time to allow life to be flawed, uncontrolled and needs, not expectations to be met. Long walks on the beach....slow kisses that go on forever...conversations of life, laughter and intimate desires should come to the front and breathed in very deeply. Always breath...say I love you everyday in my mirror...tell my little girl she is beautiful. She is.

The beginning.

The fog is lifting. warms winds stir my soul.
Sweet taste of life on my lips.
I smell sweetness again.

There is so much more than this...take a deep breathe
and let it out slowly...extasy

The mirror is me..I am listening again.

I remember her, that sweet child that was buried under hell

The mess she has spent a lifetime digging through, sorting through...fighting through.

I am told it is time for forgiveness, love and happiness.

A new journey has begun.

Planning and containment

I have given it my all.
Thickness around my heart...didnt plan for this!
Trying to keep it together and contain myself.

I'm walking through my life and not seeing clearly
whats around.
Everything is foggy.

Push forward....forget..ya...that's what I'll do.
It's not my fault she says.

Then why has this happened?

Move forward...plan, contain, don't think too much.
Don't feel....live in a bubble. I do that well!
So many questions, so few answers, i am falling away.

Will it be such a messy life..always?

For Me

I have put myself in a relationship that doesnt feed my soul.
I have put myself in a relationship that is reminisent of how my family has treated
me my whole life.
Self rightous, arrogant, mean spirited people who have moments of generousity and light but it's all smoke and mirrors really.

I attracted selfishnes and meanness to me because I am selfish and mean too? I don't know the answer but I do know that I don't want to repeat this cycle yet again. I have to find a way to be happy for me, to attract light to me. If I am happy, it stands to reason I will attract happy! Its comfortable in a weird way, these type of relationships because they are what I know but they don't create and nurture real growth and lighten my soul. I feel inadequate and unfullfilled by my own decisions to be in this place. Instead of seeing this as a fault, I need to see my life and my experiences with my eyes wide open and truly change my course.

I am the master of my destiny and the health of my heart and soul. Love thy self Pauline and all will come to you.

The 99% Speaks: Occupy Camps Receives Eviction Threat

The 99% Speaks: Occupy Camps Receives Eviction Threat: The municpal officials have announced their plan to evict the demonstrators of the occupy camps that have not been legally permitted to set ...

Fuck it!

She did it to me again. I am a fool to think she wouldnt. I came back this time because ....
I still loved her I guess.Still wanting to try. She accuses me often of being selfish and a loner but all I have done, all the changes I have gone through and the little things I do...for her...are not the acts of someone that is selfish.

I am a bully sometimes, controlling, most assuredly but I have never not loved her, helped her and tried to keep her safe.She has slapped me in the face yet again.
Blames me for her unhappiness and her inability to get her life together. Maybe for her, leaving me is best. She blames, blames...blames.

She can't seem to function around me. If this is all my fault, then so be it.

No more girlfriends and relationships. If I am all that is negative according to her and not the type of personality that does well in a love relationship, then an island I will stay. Fuck this love shit!