Colors

I remember shades of love,
Its sweet yellows and greens,
Reds and blues of arms and legs entwined.

I miss the kaleidoscope of us...
I miss the messy mess and the clearest sky's of love.

Every shade from the blackest black to the whitest white, changed me forever.

The scent of you, the color of your skin, the delicious taste of your lips,
changed the rainbow of my heart.

Maybe I dream too much...
Want too much...
Love too much...but i am all the colors of my heart.

Every Single Day

Exhaustion flows through me,
perpetually tired...annoyed...
I feel my mother inside me...oozing
unhappiness...
I try so hard to pull out of the depth of it.
everyday its a struggle to live..
Lack of interest...lack of energy...

Being pulled down by an invisible cord and every single day
I pull up just enough...to see over the edge
Every single day that demon, that ugly putrid blackness entices me.

Stay here in the black...stay here with us and let us swallow you up whole.
Melt into the bleak, swim in the ocean of monsters and grey skies.
Why try anymore? Isn't it better with us? No more worry or doubt.
No more struggle.......
No more broken hearts and dreams.

Let go, it would be so much easier.

And.................Every Single day I find a reason not too.

58

Today is my birthday.

No fanfare....no one to share it with.

As I get older my circle of people has changed.

Today will be spent doing errands and maybe a matinee film.

I'm not sure if it is me that has chosen this life of solitude more out of disillusionment with the

human race in general or:

That I don't want to be disappointed anymore.
That I don't want my heart to be broken anymore
or that people just don't see me as a priority in their lives because I don't make them mine?

Or its just to much work and I don't care about the work.

Everyone is busy. Everyone has no time. What happen too time?

When did friendships become about not enough time?

It's to costly or I have other priorities and I can't just drop them to spend time with you.

or now you are reaching out because its your birthday!

Yes....I'm not good at maintaining. It doesn't mean I don't love my extended family.

It's the exact opposite but....I guess I'm not good at the reaching out part but when my Friends want to see me,

I usually make the time unless it's just to unreasonable or not doable at that time.

I will never be the maintainer. I need my friends to reach out...I need their contact.

I just do things....differently and I love them all deeply.

So as another year clicks into place and my 58th year on this planet unfolds, I wonder about my life,

my changing needs, desires and fulfillment's. Should I say I need them more? Maybe I just simply don't ask for what I need

and that...has to change as well.

weight of Depression

When was the last time I saw beauty around me?
When I wasn't so punishing to myself...or shut off from the world?

I fear I am my mothers daughter.
I wallow in fear and have lost my sense of adventure.

It's brutal trying to motivate myself to engage with the world.
It's one small step at a time...


Cramped inside this mortal shell,
dark and warm and safe...
I keep the world out....my friends at a distance...
always discussing, negotiating in my head, day after day....what I will do next.
Tomorrow will be a better day....tomorrow...I will wipe the slate clean...
Tomorrow I start over from scratch...all good intentions ...
Be kinder to myself...don't stuff food in those empty places...find my happy..
and every day I feel I have failed....every day...is just as hard as the last.

I sometimes wonder how much longer will I continue this?

When will I finally say its enough!?

Hamster in a wheel....every day I say tomorrow is a new day...I can create the change I seek.

Everyday....I fail.

No one sees this daily struggle. Would anyone truly miss me if I choose to leave?

Would I have left an impression on this world...on the people around me?

Did I make any fucking difference?

New Years 2016

do you remember who you are?
I am glorious in all my imperfections.
lights and whistles bring in a New Year and it is a license
to start fresh and anew.

Everyone struggles...
We share a universal disease,
the human condition.

No resolutions as this word implies there is something wrong in my life.

There is no wrong...only change...only a journey that is on going...

So this year I promise myself to be kinder.....
To cherish my friends more....
To give more....
To laugh much more...
and to keep dreaming.

From dreams, the improbable is possible.

Words Fail...

I have had writers block since you wrote me.
How can I write when the words fail me?
Can't seem to express...anything.
I go through my days as if I am looking through a one way mirror,
Lost in thought....lost in memories and some bitterness.

It didn't have to be this way. I could have said something different.
Could have said so may things but in the end....
I just didn't.
What was the point?

I knew it was over, even when my lips touched yours
and my hands moved over familiar passions....
Familiar feelings....
Familiar love.

I wept as I watched you leave because in my heart, I sensed it was the last time...
My heart ached for days later because I didn't say what I so desperately wanted to say.

Now I can write because the words don't fail me anymore.

At first I wanted to tear you down,
I wanted to hurt you so badly for how I felt...
but to what end?

It has taken me a week to write this poem and even now....
I don't know what to say that will make me feel...
closure...release..?

I have not found peace from this.

You know

Oh I miss the lips that electrify mine,
The pull and tug on my nipples,
The scars that I trace with my finger tips...
I remember all that is beautiful about you.

The ease of conversation and words and lust and romance
the peace was sweet and gentle

Then you left and I felt that pain of separation.
No other has ever made me feel the way you make me feel....
There has been little conversation since you left, as we both know it will elicit pain

Sleep is elusive...I am up at 4 am laundering my sheets to remove
your scent.
hoping it will ease what I feel but I remember whispering to you
"You are my heart" and your answer back....
Sweet tears of want fall from my eyes.
I remember all that is beautiful about you.

I need to write this or I will never sleep again...my love
My ode to you...my heart speaks to your heart....
you know all that I know....
I will not write of this again....