The here and now

 New forgotten life...I don't know what I am suppose to do now.

Much better in my head...the reality is lacking.

That restlessness is always with me....

I do find peace when I am in the woods....surrounded by quiet...I feel me...I feel..some peace.

Shall I just live there? I remember what  was in the past..the smells...life.

But....I am older now...jaded...closed off more than I care to admit but happy in my way.

Hiding in my head....rather be inside my imaginary life than the real one.

Always been that way...self absorbed...uncomfortable with peoples intentions.

I can here crazy Diana walking up and down my street yelling about whatever.

Maybe that's the way it should be. her reality is steeped in her madness. No one can touch 

her there. They stay away.

Writing connects me to my madness, my insecurities and I vomit whatever truth I'm feeling at any given

moment.

Very few people understand me...I don't understand me sometimes. 

In the end.....I know I worry and think to much and my life will go the way it goes.

Always has.

Jill Scott

 Memories flood through me as Jill Scott is playing in the background.

It always happens, when I play the music from our past.

I come so close to reaching out as I have so many times.

You think I don't remember us but I do.

But I also remember that things never change. You cant change who you are

like spots on a leopard. I don't want to remember  the sharp darts that did their damage.

I want to remember  ...the wonderful moments that are sweeping into me right now.... 

drawn to the past through  music...palatable

 Dancing to rhythm's that we shared in our souls...bliss wetness.

The ache remembered.

That's what I miss. I guess that is what happens when someone touches your soul...

It becomes apart of you...always.

I loved you then.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D7rm9t5S4uE

Trauma

 What did you hear, see, sense that was different than I?

Yes, there was love and passion but did you not see, hear and sense the lacking?

Did you not see the fear, frustration, pain that was caused?

This was not an easy relationship. It was never smooth and easy.

 ONLY, in the bubble of intimacy did two broken hearts find each other.

 The trauma that was  inflicted  on both of us, was played out

 over and over again. No ones fault.

 

It never got easy. You never heard me. Not really. You only heard what you wanted. Your wounded soul

wanted to be heard the loudest.

I do understand now. No accusation,  Sadly empathetic. 

I regret often the conversations,  the events that crushed hearts.

I wish things had transpired differently....healthily....safely.

The Lesbian Shuffle

 

 

Rain gently drums against my window as if in rhythm with my heart,
I lie in bed with my face turned to the sound and close my eyes.
I remember your kiss, our first kiss in the bar and how your eyes looked
And searched mine.
My hands rested on your knees and the heat of your skin warmed my palms.
Your eyes never stopped watching me and their dark depths gave nothing away.

I leaned in again to kiss you and you move back slightly, not wanting to give in so easily this time….
I smile….I have always loved the chase, the dance of lovers.
We both think we will win…. And I smile again.

We talk, …we begin the touch of intimacy….. of things to come…
She gently brushes my skin in conversation, holding my hand as her face lights up…
I can’t help but stroke her arms as I speak, petting her soft cool skin….
Oh…we dance so nicely together.

I place one hand between her thighs…she knows…I feel her heat….
My eyes open…..aware I am still in my bedroom and sigh…….
I will see her again.

Somewhat perplext

 The smell of rust, crumbled dreams

remains of a time gone,

plastered postcard, swallowing hard the past.

framed pussy, legs in the air, penetrating smell of love and sex

Hard fought space, hard fought kisses, hard fought love

battleground of acid taste, mostly visions of time, so much time

eyes locked, deep taste of lips, biting nipples, erect thoughts

capsulate the air hanging in space,

tomorrow repeats in smiling haze,

crumbled ideals, read in lust.....intense....light.....dark,

tomorrow repeats in laughter,

kaleidoscope of pain , anguish, slide into hope.

There is hope....always wishing for hope,

Remember eyes swimming in dark pools,

searching, searching, mirrors of need and suffering

lick ecstasy, dive deep, cradle the warmth,

safe, always home.

Fearless

 I have never been known for my fearlessness when it comes to love.

I have only known fear but put me in a crisis and I am strength.

I have had an epiphany and it startled me awake.

I need you...I need your warmth and love to develop me.

I wish to be your hero, your strength, your lover.

words can't explain how I feel....

as if a gate has burst open...

maybe the fear of losing you forever has pushed me

out of my bubble of comfort and isolation.

It is time to move forward....hopefully with you.....it has always been you.

I cant remember when it wasn't.

You are my muse, my heart, my soul. 

I need to know what that truth is...my arms are wide open...

my lips seek yours

I am fearless.

I am sorry

I havnt written here for awhile.

 I write when you write.

 That hasnt changed....you have always been my muse.

 I an sorry I hurt you.

 I am sorry that my internal darkness, anger and dissatisfaction with life, hurt you. 

I am sorry I couldn't love you the way you wanted...the way I should have.

 I am sorry I picked on you, belittled you.....bulled you. There are no excuses.

 I saw this ugliness...this THING in my brother, my mother, father.... I don't know why we love this way. I don't know why we were so broken... I am not proud of it. It makes me ashamed. With all the therapy I've been through, I still cant seem to.... Get it right!

 No matter what you may think, no matter how I treated you, no matter what I DID'NT say, or what I should have said and done.... I did love you....deeply...with everything I had but.... I guess.... there are some traumas, there are some events, there are some memories, there are some scars that never lessen.... that define you. 

I apologize for how I treated you even when I thought my needs weren't being met, when I felt small and weak. 

I should have talked more, lashed out less.

 It's good your moving on. It's good you have someone in your life that is....kind.

 I've always aspired to that and fell short.... 

 I will still think about you now and again because you were, even in my darkest place, the woman who reached me.

 Touched my tortured heart.... kissed the damage ...never gave up... who gave so much.

 If I had one request for you.....Please write your book! Such a great writer! I've told you that from the very beginning...write....and if you have it in your heart, Please let me peak into your mind every now and again....leave coming out crooked open?

 I may not have what it takes to be what you need but to be perfectly honest, you have been my voice, my mirror... To do better....to be better... and you were what I needed even If I didn't know it.

  I am Sorry

Lock and Key

The door so big and thick…. the cobwebs tell me I've been here for awhile…. Gulping the fresh air through the key hole… Such small breaths…just keeping myself barely alive. My jailer checks on me now and again… "Are you still alive", he asks? Barely I whisper….. I am weak and forgotten. When the door opens every now and again, I see light and out of reflex cower into a dark corner but now someone else appears… a warm and inviting pressence reach's out to me.. I sense her presence, her peace … I touch her hand, I feel such warmth, such love and I cower… for I do not know what this is.. I'm afraid… it's been so long since love has opened the door. She puts a key in my hand and gently closes it. She looks deeply into my heart… "When your ready…no rush… but soon. You have always been able to open the door". " It is your choice and no one elses. "You have the power to free yourself". She leaves and the door closes. I hear the tumbler as the door is locked by my jailer. I crawl to the key hole and take a bigger breath and now it begins.

Isn't enough

My heart touched your heart again and my heart skipped a beat. 

 Isn't it strange that there are certain moments that bring you right there again.. as if you never left!

 Thoughts all burst in on each other as memories bombard me.

 What if scenario's start popping up again...wishing... 

The darker part of my nature knows better. 

I haven't changed...I wish... I wish I could let go and be someone else but I am ...no one else.

 I have loved you so very deeply and you are always in my thoughts. My fear of the past, my fear of the future all converge. I think about the damage and the pain that was inflicted... I think about neither one of us giving an inch to be better... to be easier on each other...words flew around the room like on fire.. peace was always allusive, infrequent and yet....

I guess...there is still always... a wish...a want...a desire...for you....and only you. I could just be living in my head again. It's what I do. I have always had a lovely dream of you and I...

 but was never able to bring it to fruition.

 Maybe it was just to much work....one of us had to change, to adapt, be grounded. It just never happened so now...we both yearn for something from the other... 

Sometimes....sometimes...love just isn't enough or is it?

Dance floor Extasy

Listening to Lil Louis- French Kiss....The heart thumping beat of sex. Transported to my youth...to sweat and crowded dance floors... The aroma of amonia lingers in the air from sniffed poppers.. Half dressed gay men in all their muscular glory... Our combined animal heat permeates the dance floor... The DJ brings us higher...we all jump in unison...some interlocked in sexually extasy... Grinding on strangers ...mixing our sweat, the passion... I'm soaked...sweat drips in rivers from my face....pure joy, extasy...I reach higher... No shame...no judges....pure freedom! She crosses the floor and looks into my eyes... I grab her...turn her back to me and we become the beat of sex... We meld together... arms intertwine ...pushing myself into her with every beat... I'm no longer here....every cell of my body is transported....mixed with hers... We move together in the heat...the beats...the lust in every note... our tribes... our ancestors connect us. She disapears into the crowd as Jungle beats and the crowd become one.... A pulsing orgasm that never stops...

The sweet taste of you

The Pitter Patter of rain on my forehead, I lift my head and stick my tongue out, She tastes sweet. I have had strange dreams of late... I have always dreamed of the faceless woman...she has been with me since my youth. I know her...I have always known her but... this time...the intimacy is more... she smiles with her eyes and is so peacful...she is home... I have never been able to feel content, she is. I have never been able to truly love, she can. When I wake I need her so badly I ache. It's always the same..that ache. She fills me with peace and love and I crave her when I wake.... but alway, always out of reach. The pitter patter of rain washes over me and I taste her. I love her so much and I lift and stretch my arm out, I move my fingers to her.... just out of my reach. I know if I can just touch her just once, I will soar and fly to the highest point with out fear, with love and peace I know it can happen....she has always been with me, the sweet taste of my dreams.

don't feel unhappy or discontent
I am now starting to realize my purpose.
Family has come back into my life...
I am here for my brother.
He needs my strength and my love.
So many years have gone by and it is like yesterday that we have spoken.
I don't feel small anymore.
I don't feel invisible.
I feel love.
He needs me and it's time I step up.

The Ghost

Cleaning my house and you are on my mind,
Listening to music and you are on my mind....
Doesn't matter what I do, you are here...like a ghost.

What the Fuck!
I am over you, yet,...you are following me around...
I feel you....
I am being haunted by your energy....
It's the good things that move through me today...
Your body swaying to the music of Maysa...
Your piercing eyes....
your touch...your lips....
your incessant need to fill a room...


I have a random playlist playing in the background as I write
and Maysa comes on but not just any Maysa song....it's our song....
Inseparable...
I am possessed by you today and as I'm writing this, you send an email and text out of the blue...
You miss me and again I say..what the fuck??

I miss

There are times I miss you and then I remember the drama....
I see pictures pop up on Facebook of you and I and I remember the happy times
but they were infrequent and I had to be careful of what I said so I didn't burst the bubble.
I do miss you but I miss more of what could have been
I know I'm not easy...God I know!.... but neither were you.
I have been down a rabbit hole since I left you.
But I've always been there, it's just gotten deeper.
I don't know where I went?

I've stopped being me.
I was asked recently if I had any hobbies and realized, I've dropped them one by one over time.

I miss me....where did I go?
It isn't just about lack of money...
Not being able to have the relationships I want...
I was told recently that I don't think I'm worthy and this is why I am not fulfilled
I've been told this before and it is a truth but I've done nothing about it.

What is wrong with me that I don't want more for myself?
I've seen so many counsellors over the years and I hear what they sell but my fear keeps me
cemented where I am.
Was I always this way?
Drugs and alcohol masked it for years.
I miss my moments of happiness....
I miss my need for adventure...
I miss my friends and connections
I miss life.

I Regret

I regret I lost you too when our mother Died....Lost you long before then I think...just another nail in the coffin,
Don't you love the irony?


Remember the hours we spent together as children?
Playing, laughing talking and yes....fighting but we always found a way to come back to each other.

We became strangers at some point.Language sharp cruel Mean....

Crashed through a pane of glass in a drunken haze one night, blood everywhere...I remember your face when you were called to pick up the pieces of me.
You sat by my bed all night at the hospital...worried....angry...oh so angry.... was it then the disappointment was cemented?

I did it again didn't I? Made it all about me.Scared little girl, trapped in her torment, instead of being responsible and committed to your protection.
I feared your judgment that look in your eyes...
Disappointment one after another.....


I know why..you resented me.....
Your hatred was palatable and why not?
What did the woman in your life ever teach you?
We tortured your soul and crippled your love...always a let down...all alone
warped how you saw woman...

It's been so long now...

Can't turn back time...only can ask for forgiveness...

Midnight Special

Remember wolfman Jack and the Midnight special?
Tom Jones Gyrating on your TV screen....watched him dance...learned his moves
So young, always moving....learning
only remember memories loosely..feelings stay with me like shadows
Why don't I remember more of my past?
I remember photo clips of my life ...
click of the shutter, I remember her skin....his tongue
click....rough hands...boundary's crossed...couldn't say no....
click.....a moment of overwhelming shame...guilt...only did what I wanted
fuck the consequences....who I hurt
Click of the shutter button and 30 years later, my world is now a box
of same old, routines...excuses to not live...to not soar.
Is this what happens when you feel your life never had a purpose?
Click...clubs...dancing all night...such joy, freedom!
Click....eating junk food on weekends and watching movies...stuck in self pity and fatigue.
Click...Oh the kisses....the deep for hour kisses even before a hand cupped a breast..
I loved to feel their breath on my breath....my hands moving, feeling their soft skin...
making them ache to be touched where they are so wet...
Click....looking in the mirror...don't know who it is looking back at me now,
a shadow of that girl, that cocky boi....
I've lost her along the way to the couch,to the job, to the killer of dreams, routine.
I do remember this wasn't what I thought my life would be.
I thought it would have been more of a Midnight Special.

Large brown eyes that said come play with me in innocents and wonder…
Of limbs and lips, of sexual dances by moonlight waters we had seen, breathed and belonged too.
Of songs sung and written in joy
Drunken stories by campfires
friends made. bonded for life.

time would pass through an hourglass….
Our eyes would meet on occasion and we were drawn to the child in each other’s souls, our oceans of friendship as if never forgotten
You are the mother of calm shores and even in my turbulence, you saw me and smiled.
Mother, daughter lover …you in a place of peace and love.
Even now when our eyes meet, we are drawn to the oceans of surf that laps our souls…
Smile and remember, we always find each other
for ours is a place of watery dreams of mermaids
a secret club some may say…and Poseidon rules our hearts

A Dream Within A Dream

Take this kiss upon the brow!
And, in parting from you now,
Thus much let me avow--
You are not wrong, who deem
That my days have been a dream;
Yet if hope has flown away
In a night, or in a day,
In a vision, or in none,
Is it therefore the less gone?
All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.

I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore,
And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand--
How few! yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep,
While I weep--while I weep!
O God! can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
O God! can I not save
One from the pitiless wave?
Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?

Edgar Allen Poe

Every thing changes but I stood still.
Hidden in my cocoon of safety, sameness and boredom.
I wonder why I felt the weight of a life unfulfilled?

There is so much to do still. So many things I have not done and want to do.
Walking in circles instead of a straight line seems like a pointless exercise but maybe...
maybe walking in a circle was where I needed to be for awhile. It did have it's good moments...
I've watched so much TV that I don't believe I will miss it.
I'm reading again...writing again even if it's to say, I'm writing again!"
I'm listening to people...seeing them...really seeing them!

My cat stares at me expecting attention. She loves me like cat's do.
Sigh...it aint all that bad.

Colors

I remember shades of love,
Its sweet yellows and greens,
Reds and blues of arms and legs entwined.

I miss the kaleidoscope of us...
I miss the messy mess and the clearest sky's of love.

Every shade from the blackest black to the whitest white, changed me forever.

The scent of you, the color of your skin, the delicious taste of your lips,
changed the rainbow of my heart.

Maybe I dream too much...
Want too much...
Love too much...but i am all the colors of my heart.