The here and now

 New forgotten life...I don't know what I am suppose to do now.

Much better in my head...the reality is lacking.

That restlessness is always with me....

I do find peace when I am in the woods....surrounded by quiet...I feel me...I feel..some peace.

Shall I just live there? I remember what  was in the past..the smells...life.

But....I am older now...jaded...closed off more than I care to admit but happy in my way.

Hiding in my head....rather be inside my imaginary life than the real one.

Always been that way...self absorbed...uncomfortable with peoples intentions.

I can here crazy Diana walking up and down my street yelling about whatever.

Maybe that's the way it should be. her reality is steeped in her madness. No one can touch 

her there. They stay away.

Writing connects me to my madness, my insecurities and I vomit whatever truth I'm feeling at any given

moment.

Very few people understand me...I don't understand me sometimes. 

In the end.....I know I worry and think to much and my life will go the way it goes.

Always has.

Jill Scott

 Memories flood through me as Jill Scott is playing in the background.

It always happens, when I play the music from our past.

I come so close to reaching out as I have so many times.

You think I don't remember us but I do.

But I also remember that things never change. You cant change who you are

like spots on a leopard. I don't want to remember  the sharp darts that did their damage.

I want to remember  ...the wonderful moments that are sweeping into me right now.... 

drawn to the past through  music...palatable

 Dancing to rhythm's that we shared in our souls...bliss wetness.

The ache remembered.

That's what I miss. I guess that is what happens when someone touches your soul...

It becomes apart of you...always.

I loved you then.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D7rm9t5S4uE

Trauma

 What did you hear, see, sense that was different than I?

Yes, there was love and passion but did you not see, hear and sense the lacking?

Did you not see the fear, frustration, pain that was caused?

This was not an easy relationship. It was never smooth and easy.

 ONLY, in the bubble of intimacy did two broken hearts find each other.

 The trauma that was  inflicted  on both of us, was played out

 over and over again. No ones fault.

 

It never got easy. You never heard me. Not really. You only heard what you wanted. Your wounded soul

wanted to be heard the loudest.

I do understand now. No accusation,  Sadly empathetic. 

I regret often the conversations,  the events that crushed hearts.

I wish things had transpired differently....healthily....safely.

The Lesbian Shuffle

 

 

Rain gently drums against my window as if in rhythm with my heart,
I lie in bed with my face turned to the sound and close my eyes.
I remember your kiss, our first kiss in the bar and how your eyes looked
And searched mine.
My hands rested on your knees and the heat of your skin warmed my palms.
Your eyes never stopped watching me and their dark depths gave nothing away.

I leaned in again to kiss you and you move back slightly, not wanting to give in so easily this time….
I smile….I have always loved the chase, the dance of lovers.
We both think we will win…. And I smile again.

We talk, …we begin the touch of intimacy….. of things to come…
She gently brushes my skin in conversation, holding my hand as her face lights up…
I can’t help but stroke her arms as I speak, petting her soft cool skin….
Oh…we dance so nicely together.

I place one hand between her thighs…she knows…I feel her heat….
My eyes open…..aware I am still in my bedroom and sigh…….
I will see her again.

Somewhat perplext

 The smell of rust, crumbled dreams

remains of a time gone,

plastered postcard, swallowing hard the past.

framed pussy, legs in the air, penetrating smell of love and sex

Hard fought space, hard fought kisses, hard fought love

battleground of acid taste, mostly visions of time, so much time

eyes locked, deep taste of lips, biting nipples, erect thoughts

capsulate the air hanging in space,

tomorrow repeats in smiling haze,

crumbled ideals, read in lust.....intense....light.....dark,

tomorrow repeats in laughter,

kaleidoscope of pain , anguish, slide into hope.

There is hope....always wishing for hope,

Remember eyes swimming in dark pools,

searching, searching, mirrors of need and suffering

lick ecstasy, dive deep, cradle the warmth,

safe, always home.

Fearless

 I have never been known for my fearlessness when it comes to love.

I have only known fear but put me in a crisis and I am strength.

I have had an epiphany and it startled me awake.

I need you...I need your warmth and love to develop me.

I wish to be your hero, your strength, your lover.

words can't explain how I feel....

as if a gate has burst open...

maybe the fear of losing you forever has pushed me

out of my bubble of comfort and isolation.

It is time to move forward....hopefully with you.....it has always been you.

I cant remember when it wasn't.

You are my muse, my heart, my soul. 

I need to know what that truth is...my arms are wide open...

my lips seek yours

I am fearless.

I am sorry

I havnt written here for awhile.

 I write when you write.

 That hasnt changed....you have always been my muse.

 I an sorry I hurt you.

 I am sorry that my internal darkness, anger and dissatisfaction with life, hurt you. 

I am sorry I couldn't love you the way you wanted...the way I should have.

 I am sorry I picked on you, belittled you.....bulled you. There are no excuses.

 I saw this ugliness...this THING in my brother, my mother, father.... I don't know why we love this way. I don't know why we were so broken... I am not proud of it. It makes me ashamed. With all the therapy I've been through, I still cant seem to.... Get it right!

 No matter what you may think, no matter how I treated you, no matter what I DID'NT say, or what I should have said and done.... I did love you....deeply...with everything I had but.... I guess.... there are some traumas, there are some events, there are some memories, there are some scars that never lessen.... that define you. 

I apologize for how I treated you even when I thought my needs weren't being met, when I felt small and weak. 

I should have talked more, lashed out less.

 It's good your moving on. It's good you have someone in your life that is....kind.

 I've always aspired to that and fell short.... 

 I will still think about you now and again because you were, even in my darkest place, the woman who reached me.

 Touched my tortured heart.... kissed the damage ...never gave up... who gave so much.

 If I had one request for you.....Please write your book! Such a great writer! I've told you that from the very beginning...write....and if you have it in your heart, Please let me peak into your mind every now and again....leave coming out crooked open?

 I may not have what it takes to be what you need but to be perfectly honest, you have been my voice, my mirror... To do better....to be better... and you were what I needed even If I didn't know it.

  I am Sorry