Trauma

 What did you hear, see, sense that was different than I?

Yes, there was love and passion but did you not see, hear and sense the lacking?

Did you not see the fear, frustration, pain that was caused?

This was not an easy relationship. It was never smooth and easy.

 ONLY, in the bubble of intimacy did two broken hearts find each other.

 The trauma that was  inflicted  on both of us, was played out

 over and over again. No ones fault.

 

It never got easy. You never heard me. Not really. You only heard what you wanted. Your wounded soul

wanted to be heard the loudest.

I do understand now. No accusation,  Sadly empathetic. 

I regret often the conversations,  the events that crushed hearts.

I wish things had transpired differently....healthily....safely.

The Lesbian Shuffle

 

 

Rain gently drums against my window as if in rhythm with my heart,
I lie in bed with my face turned to the sound and close my eyes.
I remember your kiss, our first kiss in the bar and how your eyes looked
And searched mine.
My hands rested on your knees and the heat of your skin warmed my palms.
Your eyes never stopped watching me and their dark depths gave nothing away.

I leaned in again to kiss you and you move back slightly, not wanting to give in so easily this time….
I smile….I have always loved the chase, the dance of lovers.
We both think we will win…. And I smile again.

We talk, …we begin the touch of intimacy….. of things to come…
She gently brushes my skin in conversation, holding my hand as her face lights up…
I can’t help but stroke her arms as I speak, petting her soft cool skin….
Oh…we dance so nicely together.

I place one hand between her thighs…she knows…I feel her heat….
My eyes open…..aware I am still in my bedroom and sigh…….
I will see her again.

Somewhat perplext

 The smell of rust, crumbled dreams

remains of a time gone,

plastered postcard, swallowing hard the past.

framed pussy, legs in the air, penetrating smell of love and sex

Hard fought space, hard fought kisses, hard fought love

battleground of acid taste, mostly visions of time, so much time

eyes locked, deep taste of lips, biting nipples, erect thoughts

capsulate the air hanging in space,

tomorrow repeats in smiling haze,

crumbled ideals, read in lust.....intense....light.....dark,

tomorrow repeats in laughter,

kaleidoscope of pain , anguish, slide into hope.

There is hope....always wishing for hope,

Remember eyes swimming in dark pools,

searching, searching, mirrors of need and suffering

lick ecstasy, dive deep, cradle the warmth,

safe, always home.

Fearless

 I have never been known for my fearlessness when it comes to love.

I have only known fear but put me in a crisis and I am strength.

I have had an epiphany and it startled me awake.

I need you...I need your warmth and love to develop me.

I wish to be your hero, your strength, your lover.

words can't explain how I feel....

as if a gate has burst open...

maybe the fear of losing you forever has pushed me

out of my bubble of comfort and isolation.

It is time to move forward....hopefully with you.....it has always been you.

I cant remember when it wasn't.

You are my muse, my heart, my soul. 

I need to know what that truth is...my arms are wide open...

my lips seek yours

I am fearless.

I am sorry

I havnt written here for awhile.

 I write when you write.

 That hasnt changed....you have always been my muse.

 I an sorry I hurt you.

 I am sorry that my internal darkness, anger and dissatisfaction with life, hurt you. 

I am sorry I couldn't love you the way you wanted...the way I should have.

 I am sorry I picked on you, belittled you.....bulled you. There are no excuses.

 I saw this ugliness...this THING in my brother, my mother, father.... I don't know why we love this way. I don't know why we were so broken... I am not proud of it. It makes me ashamed. With all the therapy I've been through, I still cant seem to.... Get it right!

 No matter what you may think, no matter how I treated you, no matter what I DID'NT say, or what I should have said and done.... I did love you....deeply...with everything I had but.... I guess.... there are some traumas, there are some events, there are some memories, there are some scars that never lessen.... that define you. 

I apologize for how I treated you even when I thought my needs weren't being met, when I felt small and weak. 

I should have talked more, lashed out less.

 It's good your moving on. It's good you have someone in your life that is....kind.

 I've always aspired to that and fell short.... 

 I will still think about you now and again because you were, even in my darkest place, the woman who reached me.

 Touched my tortured heart.... kissed the damage ...never gave up... who gave so much.

 If I had one request for you.....Please write your book! Such a great writer! I've told you that from the very beginning...write....and if you have it in your heart, Please let me peak into your mind every now and again....leave coming out crooked open?

 I may not have what it takes to be what you need but to be perfectly honest, you have been my voice, my mirror... To do better....to be better... and you were what I needed even If I didn't know it.

  I am Sorry

Lock and Key

The door so big and thick…. the cobwebs tell me I've been here for awhile…. Gulping the fresh air through the key hole… Such small breaths…just keeping myself barely alive. My jailer checks on me now and again… "Are you still alive", he asks? Barely I whisper….. I am weak and forgotten. When the door opens every now and again, I see light and out of reflex cower into a dark corner but now someone else appears… a warm and inviting pressence reach's out to me.. I sense her presence, her peace … I touch her hand, I feel such warmth, such love and I cower… for I do not know what this is.. I'm afraid… it's been so long since love has opened the door. She puts a key in my hand and gently closes it. She looks deeply into my heart… "When your ready…no rush… but soon. You have always been able to open the door". " It is your choice and no one elses. "You have the power to free yourself". She leaves and the door closes. I hear the tumbler as the door is locked by my jailer. I crawl to the key hole and take a bigger breath and now it begins.

Isn't enough

My heart touched your heart again and my heart skipped a beat. 

 Isn't it strange that there are certain moments that bring you right there again.. as if you never left!

 Thoughts all burst in on each other as memories bombard me.

 What if scenario's start popping up again...wishing... 

The darker part of my nature knows better. 

I haven't changed...I wish... I wish I could let go and be someone else but I am ...no one else.

 I have loved you so very deeply and you are always in my thoughts. My fear of the past, my fear of the future all converge. I think about the damage and the pain that was inflicted... I think about neither one of us giving an inch to be better... to be easier on each other...words flew around the room like on fire.. peace was always allusive, infrequent and yet....

I guess...there is still always... a wish...a want...a desire...for you....and only you. I could just be living in my head again. It's what I do. I have always had a lovely dream of you and I...

 but was never able to bring it to fruition.

 Maybe it was just to much work....one of us had to change, to adapt, be grounded. It just never happened so now...we both yearn for something from the other... 

Sometimes....sometimes...love just isn't enough or is it?