I'm Sorry

https://youtu.be/YQHsXMglC9A

Ghosts

Asleep in my bed caught in between awake and asleep,

a mist moves slowly in through my window and swirls around my head.

Memories are awoken and I can smell you so close...I can touch you.

I feel lips on mine ever so gentle and eyes that I remember from long ago,

pierce mine.

Your body lowers...I can feel your heat....your heart beat...so palatable...

I resist the urge to speak....to touch... as I know this apparition is not real...I must be dreaming

then as quickly as the mist appeared...it is gone and I am alone.

A lone tear escapes my eye as I fall back into a deep sleep.

Maybe...

Your not over her.
That is what she repeated when I wouldn't be the woman that she wanted.
Emotionally distant and cold were regular verbs in our discussions.
I will never fall in love with her because my heart belong to my Ex.

Mmmm...



She represented everything I wanted.
Financially stable, grounded in who she was, funny, attractive, smart etc...
but she wasn't her?

Maybe...but...

She was also demanding and insecure and spoiled...lol


So young and old at the same time...

Maybe I'm not over my "Ex"...such a strange word that falls from my lips

or maybe Im not meant to love her...

Maybe she was my transition...

Maybe....

Or maybe she was right all along.

Karma is a bitch.

Morning Tide

It is undeniable that my heart is torn.
I don't remember a time when it wasn't...
I am never settled in my needs and wants
my emotions flow and ebb like the tide at dawn.
it does make it difficult to settle in one place ...to make permanent decisions.

I know who I am but the knowing doesn't always mean it is easy.
One day I feel this way the next...so easily changed.
I still thing of you, you know...I still think of all the others I have loved and lost.
An endless stream of memories that haunt my early mornings of insomnia.

Aging has become a book of daily memories.
I worry that life is never enough....and I will be alone always
I blame others for my dissatisfaction...I blame others that life doesn't fit.

I am happy but...like the morning tide, that changes daily. My feelings ebb and flow...
Reflection and melancholy are like old friends that come to visit now and again just to let
me know that yes....sometimes...most times...life is never enough.

I always need...want...more.

There is a strange sort of comfort in sitting by the shore...by knowing where it comes from...
by knowing this about myself....

As I write these words, others...friends, people I have loved and love now,
may read this entry and say, " That is why! I always wanted to know if there was anything else I could have done?"

The answer is no....it was never you.

The tide always moves in and engulfs my heart and mind and takes me out to sea.

The Reinvention of P

There is a renewed strength in me.
I no longer accept what is not right for me.
I no longer will accept complications
I will no longer accept less than what I deserve to fill my heart,...what I want.

I stand up for the healthy confident me.
Single again because I will not accept less than what I deserve.

It's frustrating at times but liberating as well.
It only took a few months this time to realize, toxic doesn't work anymore.
Manipulation of words....manipulation of me to fit someone elses ideal...doesn't work anymore.

This is me. All of my baggage...all of my strengths...simplified in this one moment.

aah...sigh.

No more waiting

Now that I am free of what ifs...of hope that you will return,

I am at peace.

You were never going to come back to me in this lifetime.

Trust was broken, feelings hurt and words...words...words.

So many words, in so may ways but no true direction.

Tell me what you feel...you finally did but in so many words.

You are a turtle in everything you do.

Infuriating.

You just should have come back to me dammit!

Fuck the trust issues! Fuck our history. I told you I wanted you back... you loved me...

and yet....

you stayed away.

That is your fault not mine.

You waited too long. I can't wait anymore.

I'm not in Love

Finally I am free from the past...

Free within myself...confident...

I am not chained anymore to love...

Fucking for release.... fun...fucking from my naked self, for my freedom.


No one will make me feel guilty for wanting no attachments.

No one will have my heart for awhile...

My heart only belonged to her and now.....

It's mine again.