There are claims of disillusionment,
my pulse tells me I'm alive but I don't live.
there are moments of pure sweet clarity
and it streams like water clean and cold.
I don't believe that what I have ...what I am...is no more flawed than any other.
Open the doors and let the light shine.
Cant begin to tell you how I feel.

Rivers of passion run wild in my soul,
I miss you to distraction.
I am too weak...I am to obsessed...
crave your touch...your heart beat...your rhythm
behind my eyes I see only you when I go to sleep...while I sleep
and with every waking hour.

This demon that possesses me, is relentless.

You have finally learned to tune me out...turn me off and the moments we shared
are memories put away to protect yourself.

You have become stronger....as I melt and anguish in my wants and desires and await for your return.

Vulnerable

I've been told in a very quiet way that I have to be patient, that it's going to be tough on me.
That it's going to be tough on everyone.
That there are no guarantees...I sense the distance...I do understand

but what I feel...what I experienced...I've never been good with grey areas.

I miss you after the bubble. Want more of course because it was light and easy.

When I experience such intimacy with you, it was very hard to let that go.

I'll be fine....just ....at the moment...vulnerable and feeling the distance.

The Bubble

My emotional life is still wrapped up in you.
I dreamed of you last night. the curve of your smile, that little scar above your lip.
Will it ever become easy?

I want so much to be close to you that I would just be your friend and honor that but....
inside my heart, I want to kiss you and keep kissing you for the rest of my life.

I close my eyes and think of all the little things I miss. One of my reoccurring day dreams,
is you working at your desk, so very focused and I come up behind you and kiss your neck.
A small romantic gesture, that quickens your heart beat. I feel your passion rise a little and then
your mock gesture to wave me a way so you can work and focus. I know and you know that if i had pushed a
little more you would have been in my arms beginning me to fuck you.

For me, its a sensual sexy moment that I miss dearly among so many others. Who knew that the last time I did that,
it was the last time.

I don't think that ache for you will ever release so I am ready to take what I can get from you even if it's
only short moments in time.

I don't want to hear about you life with Kate. That is your other life with out me. That is not part of my bubble with you.
I want to stay in this place of love and passion that is only you and I. No one will ever be able to reach us here. Ever.

There is no consolation

I can't talk to you anymore. The words are not coming.
When you spread your legs for another, I was done.
You said it was just sex and she didn't have your heart.
There is no consolation in those words.
Just confirmation as to how far apart we are in what we believe, in our characters.

Your safety, your comfort is to be obtained by any prostitution.
So terrified of being your own savior,of being your own strength you will rationalize and sacrifice your integrity.
and this is a truth..... I can't deal with.

You want to be my friend, you want me to answer your call as you miss me.
I know I will be cruel to you yet again, for I cannot accept who you are.
Do you truly want this in your life?

These may be harsh words and I do not say them to yet again pass judgment or hurt you... but to explain what I feel, why we cannot speak.
I am not your judge and only the universe will decide...

I am not strong enough or able enough to accept this part of you, so instead I keep my distance as to not hurt you any further.

I still daydream of you, think of you on a daily bases. There is no consolation in this for me.
Even though I cant see or speak to you, my heart remembers that sweet spot...that passion...the real you under all the brokenness....

and I weep.

So....

Sometimes I wake in the middle of the night with a line of poetry in my head.
It's usually about you.
Even now, I am still trying to understand why I had to leave.
Even now, the frustration of it all sometimes angers, frustrates and makes me want to scream.
I know what I wanted, I know what I want but I also know that it can't be.

I am grounded in my convictions. I am sure of my intentions. I know what will make me happy.

It truly is a dichotomy. If you take away language, thoughts and history and look at just the energy,....
then the love....the kindred spirits, were right for each other. Our souls connected and we were strong.

Put back in the pot, emotional scars, insecurities and life history and it all falls like a house of cards.

There is nothing holding us together. No solid footing.

We don't share the same vision of morality, integrity and truth but our hearts urn and ache every day.

What kind of God puts this burden on love? What possible reason was this put in front of us in such a way

that the carrot just dangles out of reach? You are a cruel God. Not to happy with you today.

The Thunder Whispers

Lush and vibrate is a memory of my youth,

of rivers white and blue of unknown adventures that made my heart beat a little...
life coursed threw my veins... the thumping of my pulse reminded me I was awake.
Pretend that the warmth of you is hidden away..
Pretend that it is almost at an end and there are no more wonders to be seen
Pretend that now you are at peace with the right now
for it is a camouflage of false safety..of false intent..the dream is unfulfilled
don't forget who you really are...the pretender, the realist, the dreamer and the lover.

keep to the road and the horses will thunder by and whisper the lullaby of life..
breath in the dusty foot prints left behind and find anew your true heart.
there is no one like you in the mirror. you are seeing it for real now. The true image that stares back.
There is no demon, no betrayer, no hater...there is only you facing what comes next.


I am cautiously alive.