The Bubble

My emotional life is still wrapped up in you.
I dreamed of you last night. the curve of your smile, that little scar above your lip.
Will it ever become easy?

I want so much to be close to you that I would just be your friend and honor that but....
inside my heart, I want to kiss you and keep kissing you for the rest of my life.

I close my eyes and think of all the little things I miss. One of my reoccurring day dreams,
is you working at your desk, so very focused and I come up behind you and kiss your neck.
A small romantic gesture, that quickens your heart beat. I feel your passion rise a little and then
your mock gesture to wave me a way so you can work and focus. I know and you know that if i had pushed a
little more you would have been in my arms beginning me to fuck you.

For me, its a sensual sexy moment that I miss dearly among so many others. Who knew that the last time I did that,
it was the last time.

I don't think that ache for you will ever release so I am ready to take what I can get from you even if it's
only short moments in time.

I don't want to hear about you life with Kate. That is your other life with out me. That is not part of my bubble with you.
I want to stay in this place of love and passion that is only you and I. No one will ever be able to reach us here. Ever.

There is no consolation

I can't talk to you anymore. The words are not coming.
When you spread your legs for another, I was done.
You said it was just sex and she didn't have your heart.
There is no consolation in those words.
Just confirmation as to how far apart we are in what we believe, in our characters.

Your safety, your comfort is to be obtained by any prostitution.
So terrified of being your own savior,of being your own strength you will rationalize and sacrifice your integrity.
and this is a truth..... I can't deal with.

You want to be my friend, you want me to answer your call as you miss me.
I know I will be cruel to you yet again, for I cannot accept who you are.
Do you truly want this in your life?

These may be harsh words and I do not say them to yet again pass judgment or hurt you... but to explain what I feel, why we cannot speak.
I am not your judge and only the universe will decide...

I am not strong enough or able enough to accept this part of you, so instead I keep my distance as to not hurt you any further.

I still daydream of you, think of you on a daily bases. There is no consolation in this for me.
Even though I cant see or speak to you, my heart remembers that sweet spot...that passion...the real you under all the brokenness....

and I weep.

So....

Sometimes I wake in the middle of the night with a line of poetry in my head.
It's usually about you.
Even now, I am still trying to understand why I had to leave.
Even now, the frustration of it all sometimes angers, frustrates and makes me want to scream.
I know what I wanted, I know what I want but I also know that it can't be.

I am grounded in my convictions. I am sure of my intentions. I know what will make me happy.

It truly is a dichotomy. If you take away language, thoughts and history and look at just the energy,....
then the love....the kindred spirits, were right for each other. Our souls connected and we were strong.

Put back in the pot, emotional scars, insecurities and life history and it all falls like a house of cards.

There is nothing holding us together. No solid footing.

We don't share the same vision of morality, integrity and truth but our hearts urn and ache every day.

What kind of God puts this burden on love? What possible reason was this put in front of us in such a way

that the carrot just dangles out of reach? You are a cruel God. Not to happy with you today.

The Thunder Whispers

Lush and vibrate is a memory of my youth,

of rivers white and blue of unknown adventures that made my heart beat a little...
life coursed threw my veins... the thumping of my pulse reminded me I was awake.
Pretend that the warmth of you is hidden away..
Pretend that it is almost at an end and there are no more wonders to be seen
Pretend that now you are at peace with the right now
for it is a camouflage of false safety..of false intent..the dream is unfulfilled
don't forget who you really are...the pretender, the realist, the dreamer and the lover.

keep to the road and the horses will thunder by and whisper the lullaby of life..
breath in the dusty foot prints left behind and find anew your true heart.
there is no one like you in the mirror. you are seeing it for real now. The true image that stares back.
There is no demon, no betrayer, no hater...there is only you facing what comes next.


I am cautiously alive.

Relationship Status....

Single white female. Older lesbian seeking....not a dam thing!

I am self contained...content...breathing deeply from my cocoon of self love.
I am happy in my bubble for now. Scars are fine lines of a healed heart.
When I speak to my God, I don't ask for someone with a list of requirements anymore.
I ask my God...what do YOU think? Who do you think would suite me....put that person into my life.

I don't ask anymore for what I want.For all I know, I'm on the edge of a new adventure and I will allow in whatever happens to me and
welcome it with open arms.

Moving on

As much as making love was/is our connection and for 2 days we were us again, in our private world, our bubble, there was also finality.
You asked me if I thought badly of you because of things you said about Kate, about our little affair about you following your dreams in Barrie.

No is my answer. I feel...

It is what it is.
Do I agree to how you you pursue your life, that at times you settle because its safe, because you rationalize that what you are doing
with Kate is okay, that you are both getting something from the relationship? That she is an ends to a means but its okay because even though your not in love with her, you care about her, that maybe love her a little?

This is your life not mine. If you can live with yourself and be okay with your choices, then it is what it is.

It is not what I would have done. I find your convictions and character to be questionable...weak at times.
In saying that, I also know who you are. I know what you have done to survive a life full of violence, upheaval and no real family to ground you. That changes a person. That makes you a survivor no matter what the cost. When you had Deja, she came first and that was all that mattered.
I know what your life took from you, what your life taught you.....

So no....I do not think badly of you. Sad that the choices you make are choices a skewed by history and survival. Choices that are manipulated and rationalized in your mind and heart to achieve a means.... an independent life. Choices that stab at your heart and add more guilt. Choices that put a little more of yourself in that place that says, that its okay what I am doing, it's an end to a means.

I know the real you and if your life had been just a little more...settled? happy?,your choices would have been so much different. I guess, even I would have made different choices if my life had it been different.

So in the end, we cant change our past and the truth is the world is not as black and white as I would like to believe it is.

I believe because I know you so well and you know me, that understanding and compassion goes a lot further than being judgmental. It is the only way to accept someone and life.

Dear Trish

Maybe I did have intimacy issues and was unhappy inside and maybe I was restless and unsure and maybe I just didn't know how to love you the way you wanted, needed and deserved but....
Isn't that what life is all about? Rooting out your weakness...exposing yourself to see the truth?

Did it matter that I loved you so much that I did put my needs aside to the point of misery? That hearing your voice looking into your eyes, talking with you was what really mattered to me. That I wanted you so close to me that it hurt to let you go?
That I wanted to make love to you, to the point of mad lust?

You seemed to be always saying good bye to me right from the start. That set the tone of our 5 years together....I felt rejected. My past played out again.
My heart hurt to be open...to trust love such as ours. I wanted that tenderness, I wanted you inside my intensity, in how I felt for you.
Were you always afraid of me? Of how I was?

It was a dichotomy. At the same time that I wanted you, I pushed you away out of reflex, out of history out of woundedness.

I wanted the ability to draw you in and not hurt or reject you.
I wanted to say I won your heart and then not throw it away because I was afraid to fail, that I Pauline Levesque, was worthy of this love.
I wanted to be able to accept another human being as they are without the smoke and mirrors of my dreamy mind that
dictated an unearthly reality.

I loved your smell., your sex...your essence. I loved how you were home to me. Restlessness and an unsettled nature took you away from me and now....
I am alone in my lose of someone that did truly love me and I loved in return.

I am sorry