Ode to P

My time is spent between what I want and what I need. Daydreams of love and what I desire are conflicted with reality and need. My dreams are filled with soft lips and smooth skin but my heart oh my weary heart.... tired and beaten by months and years of expectations, perfection and control. I am tired of my quest for perfection. It is time to allow life to be flawed, uncontrolled and needs, not expectations to be met. Long walks on the beach....slow kisses that go on forever...conversations of life, laughter and intimate desires should come to the front and breathed in very deeply. Always breath...say I love you everyday in my mirror...tell my little girl she is beautiful. She is.

The beginning.

The fog is lifting. warms winds stir my soul.
Sweet taste of life on my lips.
I smell sweetness again.

There is so much more than this...take a deep breathe
and let it out slowly...extasy

The mirror is me..I am listening again.

I remember her, that sweet child that was buried under hell

The mess she has spent a lifetime digging through, sorting through...fighting through.

I am told it is time for forgiveness, love and happiness.

A new journey has begun.

Planning and containment

I have given it my all.
Thickness around my heart...didnt plan for this!
Trying to keep it together and contain myself.

I'm walking through my life and not seeing clearly
whats around.
Everything is foggy.

Push forward....forget..ya...that's what I'll do.
It's not my fault she says.

Then why has this happened?

Move forward...plan, contain, don't think too much.
Don't feel....live in a bubble. I do that well!
So many questions, so few answers, i am falling away.

Will it be such a messy life..always?

For Me

I have put myself in a relationship that doesnt feed my soul.
I have put myself in a relationship that is reminisent of how my family has treated
me my whole life.
Self rightous, arrogant, mean spirited people who have moments of generousity and light but it's all smoke and mirrors really.

I attracted selfishnes and meanness to me because I am selfish and mean too? I don't know the answer but I do know that I don't want to repeat this cycle yet again. I have to find a way to be happy for me, to attract light to me. If I am happy, it stands to reason I will attract happy! Its comfortable in a weird way, these type of relationships because they are what I know but they don't create and nurture real growth and lighten my soul. I feel inadequate and unfullfilled by my own decisions to be in this place. Instead of seeing this as a fault, I need to see my life and my experiences with my eyes wide open and truly change my course.

I am the master of my destiny and the health of my heart and soul. Love thy self Pauline and all will come to you.

The 99% Speaks: Occupy Camps Receives Eviction Threat

The 99% Speaks: Occupy Camps Receives Eviction Threat: The municpal officials have announced their plan to evict the demonstrators of the occupy camps that have not been legally permitted to set ...

Fuck it!

She did it to me again. I am a fool to think she wouldnt. I came back this time because ....
I still loved her I guess.Still wanting to try. She accuses me often of being selfish and a loner but all I have done, all the changes I have gone through and the little things I do...for her...are not the acts of someone that is selfish.

I am a bully sometimes, controlling, most assuredly but I have never not loved her, helped her and tried to keep her safe.She has slapped me in the face yet again.
Blames me for her unhappiness and her inability to get her life together. Maybe for her, leaving me is best. She blames, blames...blames.

She can't seem to function around me. If this is all my fault, then so be it.

No more girlfriends and relationships. If I am all that is negative according to her and not the type of personality that does well in a love relationship, then an island I will stay. Fuck this love shit!

What an odd place to be in.
I am moving forward but not in a direction I thought I would. I am in love with a woman, whom I've been in a tumultous relationship for three years and it has ended. It was a rollercoaster ride that never seemed to find its roots.
I know now why and I also know that if we tried yet again, the same problems would continue.

We just see things differently and come at relationships from different perspectives.
Something Trish said to me the other day has haunted me and caused me to stop and really look at myself and my interaction with her and with other people in my life.

I am an island onto me. I am so self efficient and controlling I appear not to need anyone! The loner. Unable to freely give of myself and think of someone else first.


I've thought about that for days now. I do know that when I am in love and feel I am the center of the universe in that persons life that I will be more emotionally available than anywhere else in my life. In this relationship, I never trusted it from the beginning. As much as I wanted to put the past away and clear our slate as a couple and do a " Do Over", I never trusted. The damage was in an area of my heart and mind that not only had been damaged so badly in my youth but the wounds were revisted and reopened on an on going bases. The pain, rejection, abandoment was as real today as it was as a young child. I felt and tasted the fear and anxiety. Everytime Trish broke up with me, I revisted that cold sweat.

I also set Trish off. Putting her threw a variety of hoops to see if she was worthy of me and my love. Of course, like every other woman in my life including my mother, it was always a let down. No one was going to be able to live up to the expectations and judgements i had in place. They were destined to fail.

I created an enviroment of control and manipulation and pushed Trish down.

to be continued....