So..I'm getting a little numb from alcohol. It's a nice place. It's not hurtful or rejecting and it doesn't break promises and tell you lies. You feel brave and self assured instead of doubtful and insecure. I do understand the attraction. I understand wanting reality to cease and how for a moment, pain is pushed back even if it is, for the moment.
I will feel self pity for awhile and will drink for awhile and will push back reality for awhile.
Ultimately, I am a strong woman with issues. :) Abandonment and insecurities have plagued me most of my life and being in a relationship just amplifies those scars. I am amazed at how from my first relationship at age 17 to now that that feeling in my stomach when my triggers have been hit, still causes such anxiety and pain that it's as if I am that young wounded girl again!
I am frustrated by that fact. Have I not grown in anyway when it comes to my heart? Are the scars from my childhood run so deep that no amount of therapy, growth, age and wisdom has really affected my emotional development,my ability to chose healthier relationships and have a more balanced outlook of myself???
I guess not. That has to stop!!! This cycle is fucked. I'm not sure what I have to do to treat myself the way I want to be treated but this route is tiring, painful and the SAME SHIT as always!!
Time to move on. I know who I am but haven't been happy with that for a very long time.What do I want and need to be happy?
I need a home that is warm and inviting. Trees,gardens and peaceful.
I need my friends close to me.
I need my family
I need a job that gives me fulfillment
I don't want to be lonely, I can change that.
I need a relationship with a woman who wants what I want.
I need spiritual guidance
I need love
As I read this, what I want is not unattainable. I know this in my head and in my heart but if feels like a million miles away. Strange......I think I'll stay numb for a little while longer. :)
Thursday, May 13, 2010
I now know.....
It's not about alpha females or control or about being set in our ways or dysfunctional interactions or poor communication. It's about commitment.
It's about respecting each others feelings and mostly, it's about what we want from this relationship.
I have always wanted a commitment and Trish, has wanted a lover.She just couldn't believe you can have both. It is as simple as that. She left a 15 year relationship to get to know who she was. She wanted a lesbian lover and explore that part of herself and see where it led. She did not want to get into another relationship.
So..our experiment of living together is coming to an end and I doubt we will be able to salvage much of our relationship from this. We both have tried to make it work because there was great love and passion between us.
Now...I have to start looking after me again. Look after my happiness.No more distractions and dysfunctions and broken promises and hearts. It saddens me deeply that we couldn't make it work. That a love as great as this happened at a time one of us wasn't ready for it. It would have been a beautiful thing if it had been left to grow and breath.
I love you and always will.
It's about respecting each others feelings and mostly, it's about what we want from this relationship.
I have always wanted a commitment and Trish, has wanted a lover.She just couldn't believe you can have both. It is as simple as that. She left a 15 year relationship to get to know who she was. She wanted a lesbian lover and explore that part of herself and see where it led. She did not want to get into another relationship.
So..our experiment of living together is coming to an end and I doubt we will be able to salvage much of our relationship from this. We both have tried to make it work because there was great love and passion between us.
Now...I have to start looking after me again. Look after my happiness.No more distractions and dysfunctions and broken promises and hearts. It saddens me deeply that we couldn't make it work. That a love as great as this happened at a time one of us wasn't ready for it. It would have been a beautiful thing if it had been left to grow and breath.
I love you and always will.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Moving into the bachelor
It's been awhile since i blogged and I will say now that whatever rantings I may write, please understand that they are rantings of a sleep deprived dyke and I can't be held accountable.
I moved in with Trish officially, May 1st/2010. I say officially because I stayed over the night before but let's not split hairs!
So it's been 4 days and I need sleep. Real unbroken sleep! It's no ones fault.Trish and I have always had trouble sleeping together at the best of times. I snore, we are both light sleepers and now, add an injured knee to the mix. I twisted it a few weeks ago and it's taking it's sweet damn time to heal and it's brutal for sleeping as I can only sleep on one side and can only bend my knee a certain way or there is allot of pain. So of course, what do we do? We moved into her bachelor for a month as we are waiting for a one bedroom to come up in her building for June 1st. We know eventually we will need 2 bedrooms or 2 beds but this will do for now just to give us space. We can't sleep together long term so here we are, in her bachelor for a month and we are already walking around like a couple of zombies, barely talking and when Trish is tired, she is critical and sarcastic and when I'm tired, I'm impatient and moody. I think if we can manage some sort of normal sleep patterns in the next week, were good. So I am hopeful.
I moved in with Trish officially, May 1st/2010. I say officially because I stayed over the night before but let's not split hairs!
So it's been 4 days and I need sleep. Real unbroken sleep! It's no ones fault.Trish and I have always had trouble sleeping together at the best of times. I snore, we are both light sleepers and now, add an injured knee to the mix. I twisted it a few weeks ago and it's taking it's sweet damn time to heal and it's brutal for sleeping as I can only sleep on one side and can only bend my knee a certain way or there is allot of pain. So of course, what do we do? We moved into her bachelor for a month as we are waiting for a one bedroom to come up in her building for June 1st. We know eventually we will need 2 bedrooms or 2 beds but this will do for now just to give us space. We can't sleep together long term so here we are, in her bachelor for a month and we are already walking around like a couple of zombies, barely talking and when Trish is tired, she is critical and sarcastic and when I'm tired, I'm impatient and moody. I think if we can manage some sort of normal sleep patterns in the next week, were good. So I am hopeful.
Friday, February 19, 2010
The Rants of a mad woman.
I always have an underlying feeling of panic in my relationship with my girlfriend, Trish. I'm not sure what is wrong with us.It's like being on a high wire never knowing when you will misstep and fall. We are both talkers and talk things to death and that is problematic for the most obvious reason, some things shouldn't be analysed or dissected. I'm not sure what the hell this is about but one week were okay and then either she or I says something to the other that causes hurt feelings or feelings of disrespect or God knows what else! Then watch out! Our conflicts would make a drag queen shudder at the drama! Anger, anxiety, abandonment, insecurity etc...every possible negative emotion you can think off threatens our relationship almost to collapse.
Then we make love ( that is amazing by the way) and for a few days maybe a few weeks everything is kinda okay but after a year and a half of this, I feel like I'm shell shocked from an on going war. Whats the term? combat fatigue..lol
I think this time, I started it by asking her to move in with me. I knew by the look in her eye the first time I seriously proposed the move, she was like a deer in the headlights. Absolute fear! You may ask, why? Why would I put myself in this position? You must have know from your past experience in this relationship, it could cause a huge conflict?
To tell you the truth,my intent was love. I want to spend the rest of my life with her and no one else. How crazy is that? She calls me on all my shit and never accepts my bullshit manipulations and I want to live with her...go figure. Honestly, I like that! I am a strange bird but bare with me on this. No one in a very long time has ever really loved me enough to put in the effort, to put a mirror up to my face and say to me, "take a good look at yourself. Do you like what you see?"
Even though we are combative and struggle with each others baggage, I know what I have contributed to her has been life changing. She can speak for herself but we have walked together on that high wire and have opened up our secrets, our fears, desires, strengths and weaknesses. When you share the most vulnerable part of yourself with someone you would think it would bring them closer together? It does and it doesn't!
For two people to exchange so much between them there has to be great trust, loyalty and love. So you ask, what's the problem? I think I'm bringing up more questions than answers...lol "sigh"
But the confrontations....Man...everything from I don't listen, to judging her and never accepting who she is..I could go on. It doesn't matter she is right on most everything but the delivery of the message taxes me..... the drama and stress of these types of conversations cause such anxiety in me and then exhaustion. One of the side affects is no sex drive. Nadda!
I am a eunuch for a few days. A little of me drains from each battle and I'm guessing it's the same for her.
I want it to stop. I am tired. Don't get me wrong, I have had relationships that have been challenging before but never this combative since my first and then...well...I don't have to say much...it was my first. She was older and wanted me to be someone I wasn't ready to be. Enough said.
So what is wrong with us??
I want it my way and she wants it her way and never shall the twain meet? Is it just that simple? Or am I a complete control freak and need her to adhere to an ideal...an image of what I think a relationship should be...perfection?( her words)
Could it be her fear, doubts...her dark moods that consume her and cause me to lose my Trish to the devil each time? When she goes there I am fearful and so difficult to deal with.
At our best,we are love. We really are perfect! We are creative, imaginative children playing in a garden. There is such a flow of passion, love and compassion and best of all, when we are truly all grown up,.. for a few minutes...peace. My God, that in its self is worth some of the crap we throw at each other but it's getting harder and we both know it.
I am a resolution person. If something is wrong fix it. Do what needs to be done. If therapy is the answer, do it. If talking directly and coming to a compromise will fix it, then do it but fix it!!
She believes in tough love and she ain't kidding. As much as I manipulate her and I do, she manipulates words and she's very good at it. Not confrontational in person but look out when she writes. She'll cut you in half. Me? I'm an idiot..lol Meaning...I should just step away when she is in the darkness but no...I'm a glutton for punishment and worst yet...I stir the pot. Why you ask? Because it scares me and I panic. She shuts down and my anxiety levels go up and I turn into an insecure child and I push her buttons so she will talk to me even if it's anger and most of the time...get this...I'm the one who has put her there intentionally or unintentionally in the first place.
My biggest peeve....don't tell me what to do.I do have authority issues.... when she speaks to me in that, "Listen to what I am telling you, you are 12 and I'm the grown up tone," I could smack her silly!
I'm guessing here but I think her peeve with me is not taking responsibility for my actions and being immature when I need to step up to the plate. She will correct me if I'm wrong. :)
I do know her intent is out of love and she worries about me and I love that about her. I just wish....man...I am stupid! She says these things to me out of love and concern. Did you get that??
I am fat. Her and I both know it and I complain on a daily basis because I feel like a failure because I can't seem to get a handle on it.She is tired of hearing the negativity ( a note here...she never complains about anything! Drives me crazy) So she blew up at me..ranted on her blog which I should have never read and another war began. Another struggle of wills and the anxiety sets in.
Now...one more day to my birthday party. It's been a very rough week and I feel like my party is the gift at the end of a very long road..lol She organized all of it with some of my input but mostly, she took care of it. She has such a gift for giving of herself with out asking for anything in return, one of her many strengths. I know she needs me to be better and I do watch her and listen even if she thinks I don't. As much as she looks up to me as,"Super lesbian", because of my vast experience in love making and just all round lesbian icon, she is my mentor. She really doesn't know how much I admire and respect her and someday I do hope to be a much better version of myself.
So after all is said and done, what do I take from my rantings today? Well...there are no direct answers, I have come up with more questions and in just over an hour I will see her smiling face.
Choi from the mad woman
Then we make love ( that is amazing by the way) and for a few days maybe a few weeks everything is kinda okay but after a year and a half of this, I feel like I'm shell shocked from an on going war. Whats the term? combat fatigue..lol
I think this time, I started it by asking her to move in with me. I knew by the look in her eye the first time I seriously proposed the move, she was like a deer in the headlights. Absolute fear! You may ask, why? Why would I put myself in this position? You must have know from your past experience in this relationship, it could cause a huge conflict?
To tell you the truth,my intent was love. I want to spend the rest of my life with her and no one else. How crazy is that? She calls me on all my shit and never accepts my bullshit manipulations and I want to live with her...go figure. Honestly, I like that! I am a strange bird but bare with me on this. No one in a very long time has ever really loved me enough to put in the effort, to put a mirror up to my face and say to me, "take a good look at yourself. Do you like what you see?"
Even though we are combative and struggle with each others baggage, I know what I have contributed to her has been life changing. She can speak for herself but we have walked together on that high wire and have opened up our secrets, our fears, desires, strengths and weaknesses. When you share the most vulnerable part of yourself with someone you would think it would bring them closer together? It does and it doesn't!
For two people to exchange so much between them there has to be great trust, loyalty and love. So you ask, what's the problem? I think I'm bringing up more questions than answers...lol "sigh"
But the confrontations....Man...everything from I don't listen, to judging her and never accepting who she is..I could go on. It doesn't matter she is right on most everything but the delivery of the message taxes me..... the drama and stress of these types of conversations cause such anxiety in me and then exhaustion. One of the side affects is no sex drive. Nadda!
I am a eunuch for a few days. A little of me drains from each battle and I'm guessing it's the same for her.
I want it to stop. I am tired. Don't get me wrong, I have had relationships that have been challenging before but never this combative since my first and then...well...I don't have to say much...it was my first. She was older and wanted me to be someone I wasn't ready to be. Enough said.
So what is wrong with us??
I want it my way and she wants it her way and never shall the twain meet? Is it just that simple? Or am I a complete control freak and need her to adhere to an ideal...an image of what I think a relationship should be...perfection?( her words)
Could it be her fear, doubts...her dark moods that consume her and cause me to lose my Trish to the devil each time? When she goes there I am fearful and so difficult to deal with.
At our best,we are love. We really are perfect! We are creative, imaginative children playing in a garden. There is such a flow of passion, love and compassion and best of all, when we are truly all grown up,.. for a few minutes...peace. My God, that in its self is worth some of the crap we throw at each other but it's getting harder and we both know it.
I am a resolution person. If something is wrong fix it. Do what needs to be done. If therapy is the answer, do it. If talking directly and coming to a compromise will fix it, then do it but fix it!!
She believes in tough love and she ain't kidding. As much as I manipulate her and I do, she manipulates words and she's very good at it. Not confrontational in person but look out when she writes. She'll cut you in half. Me? I'm an idiot..lol Meaning...I should just step away when she is in the darkness but no...I'm a glutton for punishment and worst yet...I stir the pot. Why you ask? Because it scares me and I panic. She shuts down and my anxiety levels go up and I turn into an insecure child and I push her buttons so she will talk to me even if it's anger and most of the time...get this...I'm the one who has put her there intentionally or unintentionally in the first place.
My biggest peeve....don't tell me what to do.I do have authority issues.... when she speaks to me in that, "Listen to what I am telling you, you are 12 and I'm the grown up tone," I could smack her silly!
I'm guessing here but I think her peeve with me is not taking responsibility for my actions and being immature when I need to step up to the plate. She will correct me if I'm wrong. :)
I do know her intent is out of love and she worries about me and I love that about her. I just wish....man...I am stupid! She says these things to me out of love and concern. Did you get that??
I am fat. Her and I both know it and I complain on a daily basis because I feel like a failure because I can't seem to get a handle on it.She is tired of hearing the negativity ( a note here...she never complains about anything! Drives me crazy) So she blew up at me..ranted on her blog which I should have never read and another war began. Another struggle of wills and the anxiety sets in.
Now...one more day to my birthday party. It's been a very rough week and I feel like my party is the gift at the end of a very long road..lol She organized all of it with some of my input but mostly, she took care of it. She has such a gift for giving of herself with out asking for anything in return, one of her many strengths. I know she needs me to be better and I do watch her and listen even if she thinks I don't. As much as she looks up to me as,"Super lesbian", because of my vast experience in love making and just all round lesbian icon, she is my mentor. She really doesn't know how much I admire and respect her and someday I do hope to be a much better version of myself.
So after all is said and done, what do I take from my rantings today? Well...there are no direct answers, I have come up with more questions and in just over an hour I will see her smiling face.
Choi from the mad woman
Thursday, February 18, 2010
July 31, 1994
Come and take me away
to that black abyss,
Where dreams are dead and words are useless.
Alice doesn't live here anymore,
They've taken her.
to that black abyss,
Where dreams are dead and words are useless.
Alice doesn't live here anymore,
They've taken her.
Dear God
Shades of gray, who am I now?
When did I become so ridged and judgmental?
Did I grow old overnight?
What happen to the fun me?
Who am I to say what is right for you.
The question I should ask myself, "is it right for me?"
I want love. I still need challenges to push me to be better but
can they not be tempered? Dear God....why so much?
I asked to be loved and you gave that to me.
I asked to not be alone but that came with strings attached.
I know you are with me and there are moments when you fill me.....
but peace is still ever allusive....and I still carry a restless soul.
I need answers. you say to me, stop thinking and just sit with you.
Do you know how hard that is?
There is an ache and sadness that has followed me all my life.
I was able for years to cover it with distractions, sex, alcohol and drugs.
I am humbling myself....Will you finally let me come to you?
I want happiness. I want to know who I am, accept it, and then embrace me.
I don't understand the lessons you are providing me.
No job, no money, the woman I love can't stand me and the relationship is in jeopardy and a birthday around the corner...
What do you want from me? Because I know it's something....
You have put many obstacles in my path over the years and you and I have been very angry at each other.
I think I've been more angry with you. :)
I have used the skills I learned from childhood to survive.
I have lied, cheated, manipulated and outsmarted people to get by.
it's what I know and I am very good at it.
Now....I am truly alone. You stand outside as usual watching me. I feel your eyes observing.... If I put this in her path, will she learn? Learn fucking what?
I know you want me to strip myself down. To take off all the armour and just be.. but I'm not that strong. Really...I'm not. I'm lazy and don't want to do this work. It's to hard! Goddamn you!!! I hate you for what you are putting me through and yes....just for Trish... I am playing the victim.
How about I take up drinking again? That would dull your voice in my head because yes...I do hear you God. Loud and clear.I wish you would just shut the fuck up!
I am so tired of fighting. Is that what you want? For me to lie down and accept what comes? If you continue this lesson, I guess that will be an eventuality. For you know how stubborn and willful I am and it does take time to break down my barriers but the barriers do come down and then what?
I have cried and had temper tantrums and have tried to manipulate you God. Now that is funny don't you think? Little ole me, trying to negotiate and manipulate a higher being who could snuff me out in a second!
Now that is arrogant!
Please help me make the right choices. I do need your guidance and I am truly tired of the struggle. Instinctively I know that when I understand and accept the lessons, that I won't feel alone and my life will be a happy one. So help me to be strong and brave. Help me see what is in front of me instead of what is behind. Lastly, help me find my worth and love within.
Amen
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