I'm not in Love

Finally I am free from the past...

Free within myself...confident...

I am not chained anymore to love...

Fucking for release.... fun...fucking from my naked self, for my freedom.


No one will make me feel guilty for wanting no attachments.

No one will have my heart for awhile...

My heart only belonged to her and now.....

It's mine again.

“I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chatted all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow;
And ne’er a word said she;
But, oh! The things I learned from her,
When Sorrow walked with me.”
― Robert Browning Hamilton
John Bauer (1882-1918) - Flora 1915

The first Date

I went on my firs date after 7 years of not being out there.

She was lovely...smart...grounded....had a great job...money and she is truly happy with herself and....she wasn't you.

went to her place on a second date and she tried to get close to me... I flinched...she knew it was a mistake.

I ran inside myself.

She reached out today and told me she knew what happened....that she knew she had moved on me too fast.

She's patient. ..caring...and she's not you.

she lives in our old neighborhood.

Shops in the places we shopped.

It was weird going to her place...it was one street over from ours.

Our memories...

She was what I wanted.

I threw it out to the universe and it granted my request and I feel nothing for her.

I only felt you.

I am poisoned.

A Chronic Case of Pain

I didn't think she could still bring tears to my eyes, to anger, to sadness.
I thought I was over all that.

Our relationship had shifted to a happier, friendlier place. We were able to speak to each other without
inflicting pain, without drama. With ease and compassion our language had changed.
Peace at last.

She spoke of marriage to another. That's all it took. No fault. Just conveying what had happened, how she felt.
I was taken from my comfortable place and stripped of my armor.
I thought I was over all that.

I sat nub at the news...staring into space. I don't know why I was so surprised. Kate is good to her.
She treats her like a queen and spoils her like a lover should. Why am I so stunned by the news?
It was bound to happen. A profound sense of failure on my part.
I thought I was over that.

She took her to Paris. Not our Paris but Kate is willing to carry the dream that she and I had carried.
There always seems to be a small stab to the heart. That I was unable to be more than myself.
Not sure why I am still open to this chronic pain when it comes to her.
I thought I was over that.

She did say no. Not ready she said. She still pines for me as I for her.
Thought I was over that too.

Aloneness

Alone too much in my bubble.
Memories of the past keep me safe, stagnate.
Not fear that holds me here. Complacency, unmotivated to move forward.
Why am I so settled here? I am bored and restless...have I lied to myself? Maybe it is fear?
I know not what to do.

Trapped in my memories, not realizing till now, it is me that has controlled this course.
Need to let go of the past...need new and exciting adventures.
Plagued by self doubt.

I feel very alone today. Need to set a new course or I will die here.

In my loneliness I have created an imaginary life that will never exist.
I do know that. I guess I have always known that.

I do want more for myself. Can't just be happy in my bubble.

My spirit needs more...needs love...needs a passion...needs....

I have isolated myself from everyone, controlled when I see my friends...
when I socialize...when I live.
Live?...I don't live...I exist.

The mirror is very big and sharp today and I see my reflection very clearly.
I stand alone staring at what I have become.

Reflection and Circumspect

Why do I still need to reach out to you?
Is it my memories or wishes of what is lost or could have been?
Is it because no one has stepped into my life to steal my heart from you?

Do I still love you? Do I miss your kisses, your eyes, your touch?
Day dreams of you lying with me...why do I do this to myself?

The art of letting go is not for the weak.
I am stuck in my memories and dreams of you. My loss and regret of you.
Maybe that's all it is.

I don't dwell on the things that broke us apart. I know I could have done better.
Been more....
we both could have been so much more...

At the core of it, my love still runs deep.
Ever present ache, emptiness

I wish for the blessed release of a new love. Someone that could end this cycle.Take me to a fresh new start.

I look down on this part of me, hoping that something will happen.
Anything, to move my heart again.

Who I am.

It's been awhile since I spoke about myself and my journey.
I guess I was enjoying my reconnect to self so much. :) It's ironic that I have ended up at the beginning. The child I was is now the adult.
I was always a strange duck. Quite introverted as a child.
very happy in my books,my drawings and playing fantasy games with my brother.

My Mother use to kick me out of the house as she was worried that I always had my nose in a book and wasn't engaging with other kids.

Not until my 20's did I become more social. Not because I had changed much just that I had found the key to being like everyone else....

drugs and alcohol.

When I drank, I was social, charming, engaging. When I smoked, I was comfortable in my own skin enough to play music for others
and to express myself as me. I didn't care that I didn't fit in or about what others thought.

Recently Lynx was home for 10 days. Haven't seen her in almost 2 years. It was so wonderful to reconnect.

We had one of our deep conversations in the tree house that I miss terribly and she asked me an interesting question.

What do I get from my relationship with Bella that I don't get from my relationships with woman?

It really wasn't that hard to answer. Unconditional love.
I have been involved with some amazing woman but I never felt they truly understood me. They needed me to be someone else. Someone more nurturing, more engaging than I was. There was an overall theme. I was too self absorbed and they felt left out of my life or I was unhappy with them.

Bella lets me be me. I yell at her sometimes cause her meowing drives me crazy. When I'm cranky, I shoo her away and she lets me be and lets me love her on my terms. She never gets offended or hurt and a few minutes later she's back to her old self.
Strangely this relationship hasn't given me insight into myself. She knows I love her. I shower her with affection. We have a regular cuddle time every evening and like most cats it lasts about 1/2 hr and she's off. lol It works. And because I am comfortable in this warm cocoon of give and take, I am happy and secure. We only demand from each other what we can give. No hurt feelings, no long talks about how I am not happy or not supportive etc,no guilt or being made to feel I'm failing my partner etc....

I am happy. I am me. Lynx suggested that there is someone out there that would accept me for who I am not. Remember the quote" You get more flies with sugar than salt?" That is me. If my heart is free to flourish at it's own pace, the more my partner receives from me. Love this chart.

In all that I have learned about myself and the peace I have found in my reconnection, there is still an emptiness. That place that belongs to her. I have daydreams, wishes of us reconnecting. Us both being happier people and being able to bring back what we have learned and accepted about ourselves....to each other.
I wish on a pretty daily bases that we were still together knowing what I know now. Wondering if we could accept and respect who we are without the drama and the angst. That we could love like we wanted....feel like we wanted....embrace being alive and happy.
Maybe it is a dream but dreams do come true. As always, I leave a light on in the kitchen in hopes she will reach out and say," Yes...she is ready".