My Last Love

I know you don't want to speak to me anymore,
It causes confusion and pain.
I know you are lonely and sad as
you miss me.... us....passion.
I know you miss our connection, our intimacy
and causes moments of great yearning and want.

I feel your pain everyday as I am still connected to every
emotion you feel.
Maybe I never loved you that deeply...the first love, hard to get over love
the love you feel you will never have again but I have had that first real love
and I know how you feel. I know how long it took to get over that pain.

but....

Maybe I didn't love you like you were my first love but I did love you like you were my last.
You were the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
You were the one, after 20 years of exiling love, I shared myself...yes my demons and my flaws
but...My love as well.

I opened my doors to you as much as I could. Doesn't that count? Didn't I give you what you wanted?
It never seemed enough. There was always angst, too much feeling, too much sensitivity, moodiness
just to much emotion? Just...too much.

I miss you everyday and think of you almost as much as I regret our distance.
You are my last love and you got away.

I may never see you again but the yearning will be with me forever.

Seepage of memories flow from my tongue like silk and wine.
Memories of split lips from wanting...wanting..
Memories of secret places and pussy's licked.
clamoring, never ending streams of film in my head...
fuck me...fuck me...only me...I want you to fuck me.
Tell me...whisper your pain, your lust..
I am rage...I am passion...I want to ripe you apart...
Anger seethes where love doesn't live anymore.
breath in and out, calm the beast, calm the yesterday of thoughts,
of tears of lust and regret.
Memories that flashback to you, the mirror of you, the last of you.

Just for her.

I am stronger now.
With a smile of irony on my lips,
I am now plagued by pain in my limbs as my heart becomes lighter.
Is this penance for a life filled with selfishness and indulgence?
Can not let thoughts of darkness cloud my light.
Nor allow regret poison my new found freedom.

I still read her though. Can't help myself. Such a glorious writer.
I wish she wrote more.
There is a spot in my heart that is evil. That is smug and happy that she is not.
We tortured each other with our prose. Still do I think.

It will never be over. Such a confusing flow of energy. An invisible cord
attached to us forever. There is no romance in that.

She never believed to this day, that I wanted her, that I loved her with all that I am.
Even in the dysfunction of our relationship, my blood pumped loudly for her.

My memory....my regret....every day there is a moment just for her.

There are claims of disillusionment,
my pulse tells me I'm alive but I don't live.
there are moments of pure sweet clarity
and it streams like water clean and cold.
I don't believe that what I have ...what I am...is no more flawed than any other.
Open the doors and let the light shine.
Cant begin to tell you how I feel.

Rivers of passion run wild in my soul,
I miss you to distraction.
I am too weak...I am to obsessed...
crave your touch...your heart beat...your rhythm
behind my eyes I see only you when I go to sleep...while I sleep
and with every waking hour.

This demon that possesses me, is relentless.

You have finally learned to tune me out...turn me off and the moments we shared
are memories put away to protect yourself.

You have become stronger....as I melt and anguish in my wants and desires and await for your return.

Vulnerable

I've been told in a very quiet way that I have to be patient, that it's going to be tough on me.
That it's going to be tough on everyone.
That there are no guarantees...I sense the distance...I do understand

but what I feel...what I experienced...I've never been good with grey areas.

I miss you after the bubble. Want more of course because it was light and easy.

When I experience such intimacy with you, it was very hard to let that go.

I'll be fine....just ....at the moment...vulnerable and feeling the distance.

The Bubble

My emotional life is still wrapped up in you.
I dreamed of you last night. the curve of your smile, that little scar above your lip.
Will it ever become easy?

I want so much to be close to you that I would just be your friend and honor that but....
inside my heart, I want to kiss you and keep kissing you for the rest of my life.

I close my eyes and think of all the little things I miss. One of my reoccurring day dreams,
is you working at your desk, so very focused and I come up behind you and kiss your neck.
A small romantic gesture, that quickens your heart beat. I feel your passion rise a little and then
your mock gesture to wave me a way so you can work and focus. I know and you know that if i had pushed a
little more you would have been in my arms beginning me to fuck you.

For me, its a sensual sexy moment that I miss dearly among so many others. Who knew that the last time I did that,
it was the last time.

I don't think that ache for you will ever release so I am ready to take what I can get from you even if it's
only short moments in time.

I don't want to hear about you life with Kate. That is your other life with out me. That is not part of my bubble with you.
I want to stay in this place of love and passion that is only you and I. No one will ever be able to reach us here. Ever.