The Thunder Whispers

Lush and vibrate is a memory of my youth,

of rivers white and blue of unknown adventures that made my heart beat a little...
life coursed threw my veins... the thumping of my pulse reminded me I was awake.
Pretend that the warmth of you is hidden away..
Pretend that it is almost at an end and there are no more wonders to be seen
Pretend that now you are at peace with the right now
for it is a camouflage of false safety..of false intent..the dream is unfulfilled
don't forget who you really are...the pretender, the realist, the dreamer and the lover.

keep to the road and the horses will thunder by and whisper the lullaby of life..
breath in the dusty foot prints left behind and find anew your true heart.
there is no one like you in the mirror. you are seeing it for real now. The true image that stares back.
There is no demon, no betrayer, no hater...there is only you facing what comes next.


I am cautiously alive.

Relationship Status....

Single white female. Older lesbian seeking....not a dam thing!

I am self contained...content...breathing deeply from my cocoon of self love.
I am happy in my bubble for now. Scars are fine lines of a healed heart.
When I speak to my God, I don't ask for someone with a list of requirements anymore.
I ask my God...what do YOU think? Who do you think would suite me....put that person into my life.

I don't ask anymore for what I want.For all I know, I'm on the edge of a new adventure and I will allow in whatever happens to me and
welcome it with open arms.

Moving on

As much as making love was/is our connection and for 2 days we were us again, in our private world, our bubble, there was also finality.
You asked me if I thought badly of you because of things you said about Kate, about our little affair about you following your dreams in Barrie.

No is my answer. I feel...

It is what it is.
Do I agree to how you you pursue your life, that at times you settle because its safe, because you rationalize that what you are doing
with Kate is okay, that you are both getting something from the relationship? That she is an ends to a means but its okay because even though your not in love with her, you care about her, that maybe love her a little?

This is your life not mine. If you can live with yourself and be okay with your choices, then it is what it is.

It is not what I would have done. I find your convictions and character to be questionable...weak at times.
In saying that, I also know who you are. I know what you have done to survive a life full of violence, upheaval and no real family to ground you. That changes a person. That makes you a survivor no matter what the cost. When you had Deja, she came first and that was all that mattered.
I know what your life took from you, what your life taught you.....

So no....I do not think badly of you. Sad that the choices you make are choices a skewed by history and survival. Choices that are manipulated and rationalized in your mind and heart to achieve a means.... an independent life. Choices that stab at your heart and add more guilt. Choices that put a little more of yourself in that place that says, that its okay what I am doing, it's an end to a means.

I know the real you and if your life had been just a little more...settled? happy?,your choices would have been so much different. I guess, even I would have made different choices if my life had it been different.

So in the end, we cant change our past and the truth is the world is not as black and white as I would like to believe it is.

I believe because I know you so well and you know me, that understanding and compassion goes a lot further than being judgmental. It is the only way to accept someone and life.

Dear Trish

Maybe I did have intimacy issues and was unhappy inside and maybe I was restless and unsure and maybe I just didn't know how to love you the way you wanted, needed and deserved but....
Isn't that what life is all about? Rooting out your weakness...exposing yourself to see the truth?

Did it matter that I loved you so much that I did put my needs aside to the point of misery? That hearing your voice looking into your eyes, talking with you was what really mattered to me. That I wanted you so close to me that it hurt to let you go?
That I wanted to make love to you, to the point of mad lust?

You seemed to be always saying good bye to me right from the start. That set the tone of our 5 years together....I felt rejected. My past played out again.
My heart hurt to be open...to trust love such as ours. I wanted that tenderness, I wanted you inside my intensity, in how I felt for you.
Were you always afraid of me? Of how I was?

It was a dichotomy. At the same time that I wanted you, I pushed you away out of reflex, out of history out of woundedness.

I wanted the ability to draw you in and not hurt or reject you.
I wanted to say I won your heart and then not throw it away because I was afraid to fail, that I Pauline Levesque, was worthy of this love.
I wanted to be able to accept another human being as they are without the smoke and mirrors of my dreamy mind that
dictated an unearthly reality.

I loved your smell., your sex...your essence. I loved how you were home to me. Restlessness and an unsettled nature took you away from me and now....
I am alone in my lose of someone that did truly love me and I loved in return.

I am sorry

Most of the time I'm happy.

I am glued to my goals and find solace in my own company.

When I am feeling most grounded, you enter my thoughts and I feel that familiar ache.

I want you so bad, I can taste, feel, smell you to distraction.

I want to yell out," Can't we forget the past? Cant you just come back to me...to Venezuela...to Paris?

It could be different...couldn't it?

I miss your sex..your eyes that pierce my soul....your touch.
Do you remember the laughter, the fucking in the kitchen..the making love to Mechelle.

Did I romanticize you, did I make you up in my head...were you ever mine?

Was it all a dream....an attempt at true love that slipped through my fingers.

I miss even the crazy just because that would mean we would still be together.

So many beautiful moments destroyed by needs and wants.

I loved you so much.

I just wanted to say this to myself.

It’s amazing how the transition and weight loss of my body has affected me both physically and mentally.
When I first started this program, I have to admit the first 3 weeks were hell. Everything from the sugar and carb withdrawals, to my food budget doubling, eating very differently and my Sundays being taken over as a prep day.
After almost 3 months of being on this diet, I’ve become accustomed to this eating lifestyle. I still get massive cravings especially with the changing weather to cold but instead of reaching for potatoes and gravy, I reach for mashed cauliflower and kale chips and because I’m not addicted to sugar any more, I am satisfied. I also notice that my knees don’t hurt as much, my sinuses are better and my energy is fantastic!
I have a birthday to go to this weekend and I’m not worried about eating at a restaurant anymore as I know what to do and how to eat but the real surprise last night, was I fit in clothes I haven’t been able to fit in for years and that I can wear to this event.
I know my friends and family are very proud of me and I love you them all for their support but finally, I can say I’m proud of me and that…well…that’s just fuck‎ing‬ fabulous!

Remember

Sometimes its unbearable...
I awake and its palatable,
Your lips on my lips,
Your eyes seek out my eyes,
I

remember every curve, every crevice, every scar,
I soak in your scent, your touch,
I lick your pussy and remember your taste,

Its unimaginable that you are not lying next to me...
sucking my nipples and fucking me...
Then I open my eyes and you are gone and that emptiness returns.