I remember your beautiful deep eyes of mystery and depth,
your sultry sweet voice whispering in my ears,
It will be hard to kiss anothers lips as yours brought me to Ecstasy time after time.
I know there will be comparisons... even though my mind says its over,
my heart does not.
I remember your smell, your taste, your heart...
I smile when I think about those special moments that were Trish and Pauline.
They were our secrets...
Venezuela....
Michelle....
Pauline land....
Imeem...
Its hard to let go of your presence in my heart...my mind...
I still feel you with me as if you never left...strange that....
sigh.........I loved you.....I love you........there is nothing else
Friday, March 14, 2014
Saturday, March 8, 2014
Changes
So...how am I doing? I am actually okay!Its far better than miserable and even though I cant say I'm happy as of yet, Okay is a very positive place for me. I am truly single now. After my last interaction with Trish, I've realized that it is an end and I am ready for a new beginning.
I am and forever will have great memories of her. Even though there was plenty of heartache and pain, most of the experience was my choice. I chose to stick it out because I did love her and to be very honest, didn't want to fail at another relationship. In saying that, I have come to the realization that it is time to move on and alter my destiny.
I need to have a good time! Been a very long while. Secondly...believe that I am worthy and loved and thirdly, find someone who truly suits me. I am not saying anything negative about Trish but the relationship didn't need to be so difficult and painful but because as individuals,we communicated our hearts differently, that we were not grounded in ourselves and unable to find a common ground of peace, played a role in our eventual separation.
When Trish said she just couldn't be there for me, that she wanted her freedom and in truth didn't trust me anymore. Not only did I understand but I truly let it go. No more anxiety, pain and doubt. I felt relief for the first time because I knew it wasnt meant to be. Finally I understood what the universe has in store for me and it wasn't this.
If I want true love I have to find it within me. Then....find someone that is connected to me not only through passion but through all that brings you to your real love that mirrors your love, then....I will be where I should be.
In the meantime, keep working towards love and compassion. I do still love you Trish but its over and its time to say goodbye to the past. xxoo
I am and forever will have great memories of her. Even though there was plenty of heartache and pain, most of the experience was my choice. I chose to stick it out because I did love her and to be very honest, didn't want to fail at another relationship. In saying that, I have come to the realization that it is time to move on and alter my destiny.
I need to have a good time! Been a very long while. Secondly...believe that I am worthy and loved and thirdly, find someone who truly suits me. I am not saying anything negative about Trish but the relationship didn't need to be so difficult and painful but because as individuals,we communicated our hearts differently, that we were not grounded in ourselves and unable to find a common ground of peace, played a role in our eventual separation.
When Trish said she just couldn't be there for me, that she wanted her freedom and in truth didn't trust me anymore. Not only did I understand but I truly let it go. No more anxiety, pain and doubt. I felt relief for the first time because I knew it wasnt meant to be. Finally I understood what the universe has in store for me and it wasn't this.
If I want true love I have to find it within me. Then....find someone that is connected to me not only through passion but through all that brings you to your real love that mirrors your love, then....I will be where I should be.
In the meantime, keep working towards love and compassion. I do still love you Trish but its over and its time to say goodbye to the past. xxoo
Sunday, March 2, 2014
More thoughts and questions...
Self worth is a place I'm not familiar with. I have been so use to not getting my needs met it feels relatively normal until the anxiety steps in. It's much easier to focus elsewhere than on grounding myself.
I was in Chapters last week and was flipping through an astrology book. Of course I looked at the Pisces/Gemini relationship to see if anyone had written anything new and interesting. I read many times that this union wasn't a match for a variety of reasons but not something that truly made sense to me. I mean people have many challenges in a relationship but you would think with that much love between us it would be a breeze and it has not been. We have dissected it over the years trying to find the answers and then... I read something that made so much sense to me, I was surprised I didn't figure it out myself!
I was watching Bladze and Deb last night interact. I had come upstairs to watch a movie with Deb as she had opted out of going to a party that they were invited too but Bladze was still going. It was so easy for them to accept each other. I asked them. I asked them what makes it easy for them to be so grounded and sure and peaceful with each other? I think I surprised them with the question. lol but Bladze in all her glory quickly answered that loving each other meant trusting each other and accepting the differences. They spend lots of quality time together and that keeps the relationship grounded.
Grounded. Then I put it together. What I had read in that Astrology book had said that the reason that the Pisces/Gemini union didn't work was neither sign was grounded. Both signs needed to be with someone with a strong sense of self and was grounded in this world.
It made perfect sense but then a big question came up for me. What the hell was the universe thinking when it put Trish and I together? Why such a painful,passionate filled, emotional challenging union?? Was it suppose to teach us about something?? If we are too weak together what was the point? Choices? Why? Far too many unanswered questions for me.
Now...we have another shot at it. Of course I want to rush in and she wants to turtle.Neither of us have changed that much. We are who we are. Maybe a little wiser about ourselves but I still want her all the time and she is still running away from ...everything! lol
I think I am so much braver than her when it comes to jumping in but when I do, then what? Most of the time I don't know what to do when I have it! and Trish? Thinks it through constantly, steps slowly as if everything in life is a minefield and even then her decisions of the heart are one foot in, one foot out.
Despite our eccentricities and fears, despite our dysfunctions, depressions,lack of grounding and every other crazy behaviour that makes us uniquely us, we constantly crave each other. Want to be in bed with each other, want to be together always. Crazy shit!
I need to find in myself that place where I can ground me. Where fear isn't a daily routine pushed by my insecurities and abandonment issues. It is a choice. I found out through a conversation with Bladze that she and I were very much alike when It came to not being committed to any relationship. She decided that she didn't want to be alone anymore and made a choice to change her behaviour and then she bravely let Deb know her feelings for her. It was that simple and that hard for her.
It is choice after all and being brave within yourself. It is to not let your fears dictate your life.Its that simple and that hard.
I was in Chapters last week and was flipping through an astrology book. Of course I looked at the Pisces/Gemini relationship to see if anyone had written anything new and interesting. I read many times that this union wasn't a match for a variety of reasons but not something that truly made sense to me. I mean people have many challenges in a relationship but you would think with that much love between us it would be a breeze and it has not been. We have dissected it over the years trying to find the answers and then... I read something that made so much sense to me, I was surprised I didn't figure it out myself!
I was watching Bladze and Deb last night interact. I had come upstairs to watch a movie with Deb as she had opted out of going to a party that they were invited too but Bladze was still going. It was so easy for them to accept each other. I asked them. I asked them what makes it easy for them to be so grounded and sure and peaceful with each other? I think I surprised them with the question. lol but Bladze in all her glory quickly answered that loving each other meant trusting each other and accepting the differences. They spend lots of quality time together and that keeps the relationship grounded.
Grounded. Then I put it together. What I had read in that Astrology book had said that the reason that the Pisces/Gemini union didn't work was neither sign was grounded. Both signs needed to be with someone with a strong sense of self and was grounded in this world.
It made perfect sense but then a big question came up for me. What the hell was the universe thinking when it put Trish and I together? Why such a painful,passionate filled, emotional challenging union?? Was it suppose to teach us about something?? If we are too weak together what was the point? Choices? Why? Far too many unanswered questions for me.
Now...we have another shot at it. Of course I want to rush in and she wants to turtle.Neither of us have changed that much. We are who we are. Maybe a little wiser about ourselves but I still want her all the time and she is still running away from ...everything! lol
I think I am so much braver than her when it comes to jumping in but when I do, then what? Most of the time I don't know what to do when I have it! and Trish? Thinks it through constantly, steps slowly as if everything in life is a minefield and even then her decisions of the heart are one foot in, one foot out.
Despite our eccentricities and fears, despite our dysfunctions, depressions,lack of grounding and every other crazy behaviour that makes us uniquely us, we constantly crave each other. Want to be in bed with each other, want to be together always. Crazy shit!
I need to find in myself that place where I can ground me. Where fear isn't a daily routine pushed by my insecurities and abandonment issues. It is a choice. I found out through a conversation with Bladze that she and I were very much alike when It came to not being committed to any relationship. She decided that she didn't want to be alone anymore and made a choice to change her behaviour and then she bravely let Deb know her feelings for her. It was that simple and that hard for her.
It is choice after all and being brave within yourself. It is to not let your fears dictate your life.Its that simple and that hard.
Friday, February 21, 2014
Thoughts
I am trying to sort out my thoughts. We told each other we are not ready to be in a relationship as of yet. To much to sort out personally. As I was walking around today a terrible thought came into my mind and I don't want to talk to her about it because I really don't want to know...yet.
If Trish is still in love with me and I truly believe she is, is she still having sex with Kate? And what do I do with that? If you are in love with someone, should you not be intimate with them even if at the moment you both need your space? Wrapping my mind around Trish having sex with another woman is bad enough as I truly feel like a violation of the heart and spirit has occurred but for her to continue fucking her and being fucked by her after such an open genuine omission of love, seems wrong to me. It's just not a healthy place to start.Are Trish and I so different when it comes to how we perceive what should be done to create strength between us or is it simply as Trish put it, I am braver than her? Or that again, she is with someone safe who doesn't push her out of her safe zone?
She has asked me on numerous occasions, what is it that I want from her? I have answered that question with evasion and most of the time with confusion as I have never truly known what I wanted in any aspect of my life.
I want loyalty, love and respect from myself and from her and to achieve that is a struggle.I so want her to be brave and embrace me. I miss her just loving me and only me. If that is selfish then it's the right kind of selfish for me. I deserve her love and she deserves mine. I was NEVER worthy of love and never selfish enough to deserve love.
I deserve love. I deserve respect and a safe place to express it. Her fucking someone else is not safe or healthy for me.I do want to work on a friendship but the reality is that by being in love with each other, adds a dynamic to the relationship that will be a pretty large challenge. I don't need to cramp her style or space and I don't want to pressure her into anything but I do need her loyalty. Now that I have that all sorted out, I will have to talk to her now. Dam! :)
If Trish is still in love with me and I truly believe she is, is she still having sex with Kate? And what do I do with that? If you are in love with someone, should you not be intimate with them even if at the moment you both need your space? Wrapping my mind around Trish having sex with another woman is bad enough as I truly feel like a violation of the heart and spirit has occurred but for her to continue fucking her and being fucked by her after such an open genuine omission of love, seems wrong to me. It's just not a healthy place to start.Are Trish and I so different when it comes to how we perceive what should be done to create strength between us or is it simply as Trish put it, I am braver than her? Or that again, she is with someone safe who doesn't push her out of her safe zone?
She has asked me on numerous occasions, what is it that I want from her? I have answered that question with evasion and most of the time with confusion as I have never truly known what I wanted in any aspect of my life.
I want loyalty, love and respect from myself and from her and to achieve that is a struggle.I so want her to be brave and embrace me. I miss her just loving me and only me. If that is selfish then it's the right kind of selfish for me. I deserve her love and she deserves mine. I was NEVER worthy of love and never selfish enough to deserve love.
I deserve love. I deserve respect and a safe place to express it. Her fucking someone else is not safe or healthy for me.I do want to work on a friendship but the reality is that by being in love with each other, adds a dynamic to the relationship that will be a pretty large challenge. I don't need to cramp her style or space and I don't want to pressure her into anything but I do need her loyalty. Now that I have that all sorted out, I will have to talk to her now. Dam! :)
Sunday, February 16, 2014
Forward
Its been over a week. No communication. Not sure how I'm feeling about it.
Maybe one part relief, one part sadness and one part confusion.
I am finally moving forward. Not stuck anymore but still think about Trish every single day.
I think it will take me a long time to see someone else without seeing her first in my mind.
I do feel less anguish and pain but miss her so much.
Socializing again and enjoying it. Feeling calmer and a little bit happier and...
still missing her.
I know that eventually, my loss of her will lessen and it has already.
Going out next weekend to a theatre production for my birthday. I know I will have a great time but...
I will miss her.
So one foot in front of the other. Moving forward into the unknown. Submitting papers for a new passport next Friday.
Have to decide where I want to go and have already started saving for it. Truly feeling excited about the possibilities!
Sent a text to her last night. Had had a little to much to drink and then regretted it. I wasn't sure if I really wanted contact...what would I say? I was able to delete it. Old habits die hard. Stepped over a line with her and myself last week. Don't want that to happen again so I'm glad I was able to pull back.
Moving forward...
Maybe one part relief, one part sadness and one part confusion.
I am finally moving forward. Not stuck anymore but still think about Trish every single day.
I think it will take me a long time to see someone else without seeing her first in my mind.
I do feel less anguish and pain but miss her so much.
Socializing again and enjoying it. Feeling calmer and a little bit happier and...
still missing her.
I know that eventually, my loss of her will lessen and it has already.
Going out next weekend to a theatre production for my birthday. I know I will have a great time but...
I will miss her.
So one foot in front of the other. Moving forward into the unknown. Submitting papers for a new passport next Friday.
Have to decide where I want to go and have already started saving for it. Truly feeling excited about the possibilities!
Sent a text to her last night. Had had a little to much to drink and then regretted it. I wasn't sure if I really wanted contact...what would I say? I was able to delete it. Old habits die hard. Stepped over a line with her and myself last week. Don't want that to happen again so I'm glad I was able to pull back.
Moving forward...
Saturday, February 8, 2014
How can you not know?
Do you not know how you feel about me?
In your gut and in your heart?
When you anticipate seeing me, talking with me,look into my eyes,
do you not catch your breath a little and your pulse race?
Do you not have imaginings of me whispering in your ear, " Tell me "
My hands sweeping over you and touching your very essence?
How can you not know that your blood pulsates with life when my fingers
enter you, when my cock fucks you.
Do you wish to deny yourself the very thing you crave?
Maybe it's just too much. Maybe safe is better, quieter, surer.
But ...
I want you.
My blood boils for you. I am intense in my love for you. There is nothing less.
This scares you. I am unpredictable at times volatile but when we stare into each others eyes,
there is such love, passion and I am home. You are my oasis, my grounding.
How can you not know?
In your gut and in your heart?
When you anticipate seeing me, talking with me,look into my eyes,
do you not catch your breath a little and your pulse race?
Do you not have imaginings of me whispering in your ear, " Tell me "
My hands sweeping over you and touching your very essence?
How can you not know that your blood pulsates with life when my fingers
enter you, when my cock fucks you.
Do you wish to deny yourself the very thing you crave?
Maybe it's just too much. Maybe safe is better, quieter, surer.
But ...
I want you.
My blood boils for you. I am intense in my love for you. There is nothing less.
This scares you. I am unpredictable at times volatile but when we stare into each others eyes,
there is such love, passion and I am home. You are my oasis, my grounding.
How can you not know?
Sunday, February 2, 2014
The Twilight Zone
I seemed to have stood still.
I still see her eyes, her naked body over me...sucking my nipples... fucking me
I am still trapped by her scent, her voice...my cock between her legs and she...
It was only yesterday that we kissed so passionately, knowingly...
we were so in love...
she has moved on...
I wait here for her as if she is just moments away.
I can't let her go. I'm trapped by my memories
stuck in hopes and dreams...what if's...plans...
she is busy, distracted engaged with another...
fucking her as we are no more than a wisp of time...
her memories of us are in the recesses of what once was,
I am just her past now...it's safer..
she is fucking another woman...
I am caught in The Twilight Zone..
I see her being fucked..my imagination plays tricks on me
I believe...I see her naked with someone else..the heartache is unbearable.
My mind warps time,
I am so weak..
Was it only yesterday that she was mine?
I am driving myself mad.
I still see her eyes, her naked body over me...sucking my nipples... fucking me
I am still trapped by her scent, her voice...my cock between her legs and she...
It was only yesterday that we kissed so passionately, knowingly...
we were so in love...
she has moved on...
I wait here for her as if she is just moments away.
I can't let her go. I'm trapped by my memories
stuck in hopes and dreams...what if's...plans...
she is busy, distracted engaged with another...
fucking her as we are no more than a wisp of time...
her memories of us are in the recesses of what once was,
I am just her past now...it's safer..
she is fucking another woman...
I am caught in The Twilight Zone..
I see her being fucked..my imagination plays tricks on me
I believe...I see her naked with someone else..the heartache is unbearable.
My mind warps time,
I am so weak..
Was it only yesterday that she was mine?
I am driving myself mad.
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