Forward

Its been over a week. No communication. Not sure how I'm feeling about it.
Maybe one part relief, one part sadness and one part confusion.
I am finally moving forward. Not stuck anymore but still think about Trish every single day.
I think it will take me a long time to see someone else without seeing her first in my mind.
I do feel less anguish and pain but miss her so much.
Socializing again and enjoying it. Feeling calmer and a little bit happier and...
still missing her.
I know that eventually, my loss of her will lessen and it has already.
Going out next weekend to a theatre production for my birthday. I know I will have a great time but...
I will miss her.

So one foot in front of the other. Moving forward into the unknown. Submitting papers for a new passport next Friday.
Have to decide where I want to go and have already started saving for it. Truly feeling excited about the possibilities!

Sent a text to her last night. Had had a little to much to drink and then regretted it. I wasn't sure if I really wanted contact...what would I say? I was able to delete it. Old habits die hard. Stepped over a line with her and myself last week. Don't want that to happen again so I'm glad I was able to pull back.

Moving forward...

How can you not know?

Do you not know how you feel about me?
In your gut and in your heart?

When you anticipate seeing me, talking with me,look into my eyes,
do you not catch your breath a little and your pulse race?

Do you not have imaginings of me whispering in your ear, " Tell me "
My hands sweeping over you and touching your very essence?

How can you not know that your blood pulsates with life when my fingers
enter you, when my cock fucks you.

Do you wish to deny yourself the very thing you crave?

Maybe it's just too much. Maybe safe is better, quieter, surer.

But ...

I want you.

My blood boils for you. I am intense in my love for you. There is nothing less.

This scares you. I am unpredictable at times volatile but when we stare into each others eyes,

there is such love, passion and I am home. You are my oasis, my grounding.

How can you not know?

The Twilight Zone

I seemed to have stood still.
I still see her eyes, her naked body over me...sucking my nipples... fucking me
I am still trapped by her scent, her voice...my cock between her legs and she...

It was only yesterday that we kissed so passionately, knowingly...
we were so in love...

she has moved on...

I wait here for her as if she is just moments away.
I can't let her go. I'm trapped by my memories
stuck in hopes and dreams...what if's...plans...

she is busy, distracted engaged with another...

fucking her as we are no more than a wisp of time...
her memories of us are in the recesses of what once was,
I am just her past now...it's safer..

she is fucking another woman...

I am caught in The Twilight Zone..
I see her being fucked..my imagination plays tricks on me
I believe...I see her naked with someone else..the heartache is unbearable.
My mind warps time,
I am so weak..

Was it only yesterday that she was mine?

I am driving myself mad.

The Black Dog

It is nipping at my heals.
Images of my death in various ways play out in front of my eyes.
One scenario is from pills and my lifeless body lying in bed for a few days before anyone comes to investigate.
Would I be missed?
All I ever talk about these days is what I am not, what I don't have and so self absorbed, I cant hear anyone elses life.
Would I be missed?

Maybe everyone would be relieved.
Friends and family at my funeral speaking in hushed whispers. "She never seemed really happy". "Always in the background, always looking for the worse". So much self pity.

"Hopefully she has finally found peace."

Is there peace in death? Maybe it's a lie. Maybe as a good catholic girl, I do believe suicide brings your mortal soul to purgatory and maybe my purgatory is to live this life over again!? Replaying all my anguish, shame and pain.

Maybe that belief stops me from finally following the black dog to hell. My heart pain is so close to the edge that I can see the abyss. I feel no hope, no happiness. A broken heart, a broken soul is what the black dog salivates over.
Just waiting from the sidelines, patiently waiting

for me to truly give up.

Will I be missed?

I don't know

A love note

“I don’t pretend to dance in the rain

For in my heart water flows

I am and forever more

A broken glass

A fragile wisp of once was

I can’t remember a time

When the scent of you

Wasn’t in the very air

That I breathe”


I saw this on your blog and I decided I want it. I forget the beauty of my writting most of the time.

Thanks for reminding me.

I have forgotten

I forget sometimes I use to be in love.

I forget sometimes that you use to love me.

You slept with someone else and fell out of love with me.

Heartbroken doesn't even cover how that makes me feel.

It doesn't matter anymore my reasons for leaving you because all you feel and see

is I did.

I know how that is. I've spent a lifetime abandoning myself.

I miss everything about you. It drives me mad.

I want to write beautiful poetry again about your lips, your breasts, your voice....

your cunt...

I cant anymore...

My life as I know it is unravelling and maybe that is what is suppose to happen.

I need to shed this box I'm in...peel back the controller, the critic...and see who's really in here.

I'm afraid.

I've forgotten who I use to be, who I wanted to be. I'm afraid to find out.I'm scared of everything and don't think I

have the courage.


Poetry is no good if you can't live your dreams. Love is not a gift if you don't know how to receive it.

I'm full of cliches.

I want you back. I've never wanted something so much as you. You do fulfill me. I was scared of that too. I admit I'm

a coward but please don't hold that against me.

I never meant to be one. I was very brave once but it got beat out of me. That is my excuse. Not a good one but a real

one.

Come back to me and read me one of your stories. Come back to me and share your heart. Come back to me as I feel I am

too weak to go on without you.


or...just come back to me that no matter what I have done, you know in your soul, I am the one. I am Venezuela...I am

the one you want in your bed. No matter how many woman you sleep with...I am her.



I've said to much...shared too much...want to much...but after it's all said and done, it always comes back to you.


I have forgotten my love for you.

2014

Its a new day. Life must move forward or I die.

My heart is broken still but I will mend and with that mending, a place of joy will emerge.

This will be my new and inspiring truth.

The critic must move over.

Making arrangements to finally get my passport and this next year, I will travel somewhere.

I promise myself that.