Mirrors

I said what you wanted to hear.
I do have a nasty temper and I agree that I had work to do when it came to manipulation and controlling behavior but because I recognized it,that I loved you and I had always know this was a problem, I wanted to change and I did. As I worked on this area of my life, it was wonderful how the changes affected others that I cared for and how I was not hurting as much and how happiness started to move through me but you didn't see that because the truth was, you weren't happy.

You have stayed in the past and have never moved from there. I used an amputee as a metaphor in a poem I wrote and I feel it's pretty accurate. You can't let go and it is crippling you and ending us.

I love you very much but I will not be coming back this time when you get depressed and suicidal. I am not the enemy and I am tired of you making me feel like that how I am and love you is not enough. That how I speak is not good enough.

Here is the truth. You are the dominate one. You are the alpha and there is no room for another in your life. You need to be right and on top and rarely do you look in the mirror. You hate that I call you on your stuff and hopefully you meet and fall in love with someone that doesn't challenge your dominance. The only time you relinquish control is in bed and then..... you are sweet and beautiful.

When I say things like , look at "who is calling the kettle black" it is very hard to take criticism from you when you do the same things. Who are you to tell me I am controlling and critical and judgemental?.....do look in a mirror. You are unhappy, moody and negative. You will blame me because that is what you do.It is someone else's fault and you have to be right.

I know we are the only ones in control of our own happiness and I am not responsible for taking yours. I have apologized for the past many times and have finally forgiven myself. You claim that you have moved past it but you haven't and till you do, this cycle will continue.

I am in love with you and those feelings make it very difficult to leave you. I have tried so many times to pull away from you because the woman I love,( when she is present), is full of life, happiness and love. When you question me on my happiness levels, I know it's you you are talking to, not me for I am happy and getting happier,it is you that is not happy!!. I'm not as insecure as I use to be and I feel stronger and more in power of my life. I still have a long way to go but I do see light and that is a wonderful thing. Yes...I accept I can be critical and judgemental and sometimes when I say things I don't realize the tone I am setting but I am NOT my brother.

When you compared me to my brother and family, that is a knife in my heart and you know that would hurt me because you knew I'd take that very personally. Then I thought about it and realized I am NOT my brother or my mother. When my brother speaks to his wife on a regular basis, he yells, belittles, screams profanities and basically treats her with little or no dignity or respect for her person. She is a bug to be squashed and he NEVER relinquishes control. I think if you ever sat in his house for a minute you would look at me and be ashamed of making that comparison. He doesn't see his behavior as wrong and I do.

Yes...I do. I am not him. Even though I have take responsibility for what I have said to you and others in the past out of anger and frustration, I will never be like him because I am self aware....that I am wrong ...and I am overcoming and changing. If you ever compare me to him again, I will leave you for good.

So yes...I am making the assumption that you will eventually contact me again because deep down, past the Diva and past the alpha female that always need to be right, you love me and know the truth. That I truly love you and am not trying to make you unhappy, manipulate you or control you.

Only this time, I will not be coming back to you. If you want me for real, you need to make the next move. I am done trying. I am a good and gentle person that deserves your love and respect. Forgive me and yourself Trish.

I love you

P
xxoo

Let it go

I have done the work
I have opened my eyes
and i know what I want and where I love.

Shame on you for making me second guess
for making me feel like I haven't learned by my mistakes
that the progress I have made has made me....more not less.
For hurting me again with your drama

You confuse complacency with peace and harmony
You only want more conflict

You will cry wolf one to many times
What will happen if this time it's real baby?
What if you can't bring me back to your heart?
What if I walk away and never return to you.

You hang onto the past like an amputee. You know your arm is cut off and you know
it will never come back and over time,
You still feel the pain but it's a phantom...it's in your memory
of once was, having an arm..... but you always feel the pain
and never move past....
You never let it go.

Tranquility

Thoughts of self float softly
Through shades of blue and white.
Heart beating…..
Testing the waters of new innocents.

Smiling through full lips
Drink cool waters of purity
Placing my essence within the circle of life.
My life!

Travel To Coney Island

Travel my heart
See what is waiting for you
Gingerbread men meet Godzilla on the playing field
Lusting,fighting,crying,loving….Passion for you
Tinker bell smiles at me…
Knowing all my secret places

Travel to my mind
Walk the maze of intellect and emotion
Einstein playing chess with Linda lovelace
Tiger stepping into Pooh

Travel to me
Ride the cosmic roller coaster
Watch my past go by like a carnival
Throw your head back ….
Laugh and cry as hard as you can
You have reached Coney Island.

Storm of my Heart

Winds blow through me as I push against her force.
I feel her strength, determination as her breezes swirls around, into my heart.
Every breath I take...I can hear the violent rustle of the trees around me,
creaking, swaying at her power. That sound.....
I feel a thrill run through me...anticipation, excitement....
I am awed and inspired. She is truly now..real...powerful in her simplicity.

I feel blessed that I understand on a level that transcends description, words.

I am freed of my earthly confines for a few moments.
Understanding what is true...real and it is not what I have been taught.
What has been drilled into me since I was a baby.

I get glimpses of who I could be...become...I am so close, I can taste the peace...the tranquility within. All I need to do is surrender to it and I will know what bliss is.

I have no control and her beauty and power tells me so.

My hair is pushed away from my face by her strong winds and I feel no restraints, confines that I have placed on myself....I am.....


Free.

The last Plea

Why does she hurt me so?
Does she not want to be with me?
Why does being with me cause her such turmoil, moodiness?
She looks at me sometimes as if I have chained her.


I sense her conflict and so much time has been wasted in the aura of
her negativity.....does she see herself...really?
Does she know she has created so much of this?
Does she know she doesn't love herself?
Why does she have to be so defensive?
Why can't I reach her?

The only place I can touch her....feel her...love her...is in our intimate moments.

She changes after we make love.
Does she feel so vulnerable that she has to put her steel walls up back up?

Those walls I cannot scale.
She pulls her love away and then asks why am I so insecure, bullish...pushy.

I've never had you and yet....I feel so lost without you.

I have always touched your soul and you have always touched mine.
That...will never end.

Please, please see....please see what you need to do.... change...open your eyes....don't lose me..us.
I love you....

Carly and Chris's Engagment Party